i honestly think this is the worst sadness i've been in in a while.

Four more days.

Four days is not enough time to spend time with someone you have grown up your whole life with before they leave and to let them know that you love them and hope that they love you as much in return. To tell them how much they meant to you and make them make promises to come back soon.

There is not enough time in the world to do that, nor would I ever want to have to do that. And the saddest part is... that's all the time I have left to do it all.

to the breaking of a heart.

      It's late night. I'm sitting in on my bed, leaning against my wooden headboard. I'm dressed in my comfy sleeping clothes with my hair tied up in a ponytail, glasses on. The only light in my bedroom is my bedside lamp. I know I should be studying for my final exams - after all, it is my senior year in college - but I can't. Instead, I'm sitting there with another kind of book in my hands. This book was given to me as a gift by my cousin, who is more a brother. As I gently skim my hands over the cover, I catch a glimpse of the authors name, Aldrich Amador. I can't help but smile as I read the different and numerous praises given by several acclaimed people and organizations, and of course, it's a best seller. Just as I knew it would be. I laugh as I realize that my cousin wrote this book.

That he made his dreams come true.

_______________________________________

     For some reason, tonight, more than any other night, I've become nostalgic. I can't seem to sleep with memories flooding through my mind. Memories of happy times with him. I hold fast to these dear and precious memories, hoping they won't ever fade. But I know that in time, some of them, sadly, will be forgotten, like a  toy that a child has left to collect dust. For some reason, it just hit me tonight that next school year, he won't be there to help me with school. He won't be there to help me with my problems. He won't be there at most family parties. He won't be there when I need him. He won't be there to be the big brother I never had. He won't be there.

I cry silently as I realize that he won't be there.

     Instead, he'll be off, more than a thousand miles away, pursuing his dreams. Of course I'm happy for him. After all, he was the one who taught me to follow my dreams and not everyone elses. But I can't help it if it pains me to see him go. After having him by my side for all 16 short years of my life, why wouldn't it pain me? I grew up walking upstairs to his house everyday, always looking forward to playing with and his sister. I'm sure it's plain to whoever's reading this now that I don't want him to go. Of course I don't want him to go. Does that make me selfish? I could beg and plead with him not go, but that won't change his mind. I don't want him to leave us behind him. This short entry doesn't even began to express my sadness. But I know that if I want to see him happy, I have to let him go, even if it hurts. I wonder if he'll ever read this.

Probably not.

i guess this is the point in my life
where life and reality comes crashing over me.
when i realize that more people than i would ever know or
like to know are depending  on me.
when too much pressure starts to take its toll.
when i start dreading being alone, for
fear of losing it and just crying.
when reaching an endless list of goals
not even made by me, seems impossible.
where the path to my future seems rocky,
endless, tiring, with many sleepless nights ahead.
when an unending, nver ceasing amount
of expectations strip me of my life.

it doesn't matter what i want or how i want it.
it never matters once reality sinks in.
this is my life now and how it has always been.
that is how i must live it. forever.

guysss.
my award ceremony is tomorrow.
i'm kinda nervous.

=]

haha.
it's funny how i learn things from a t.v. show.
how pathetic is that.

one year six months. Y