i know you don't like cat power, but this is a great song

How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you, but my words
Just blow away, just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
And I can't think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, I'm always walking with you
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you
I'm always talking to you, and I'm sad that
You can't hear, sad that you can't hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
When I look and you're not there
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
Feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
And - each night and day I pray, in hope
That I might find you, in hope that I might
Find you, because heart's can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you....
It always ends up to one thing honey
And I can't think of right words to say

mmk. here it goes.

i haven't written in this in..a long time. i read some of the old entries, and i seemed so happy and carefree, and in love and i miss that. i wish i didn't get all serious and stupid and hard headed. if you love someone, you should just love them. why hold anything back? why pretend you're not in as far as you really are. i was scared. scared of getting myself hurt again, scared of telling him how i feel and getting trampled because of it. and now, it's like it's too late. it's like i held it all in and it was poison for us, and now i'm trying to take it away. i'm trying, i'm trying so hard. you fought for me, why can't i fight for you? and really, you didn't have to fight too hard, i was hooked. you adored me, and i you. i still do. i still adore everything. every. single. thing. every time you smile at me, i melt. the way you always smell so good. every time you laugh at something i say, i laugh too. the way i feel like everything is perfect when i hug you and you kiss my forehead. i could lay next to you and just listen to you breathe. i love when you're just looking at me and then you attack and you're kissing me and i'm laughing and you probably think i'm laughing at you or i think you're dumb--but really i'm laughing because no one has ever been so passionate, no one has ever attacked me with love like you do. that's why i was scared. i've never been loved this way, i didn't know if i could handle the feeling of losing you. i'm feeling it now, every day. i know we see eachother, but just knowing that you're not all mine, knowing that you'll go your way and i'll go mine--it breaks me apart inside. i feel like i'm missing pieces, i have all these little holes that you filled, and now i can't breathe.

so...

not much to say, really. i've been home for a week and a half, it's nice. i guess. i get to see my Lee every day! that's the best part. being home always reinforces the fact that i feel too old to be staying with my parents, but too young to have my own place. it's a weird feeling! i'm ready to see my summer friends and get a big fat tan. 

work is..ok. on the border is really unorganized in many ways, and that frustrates me.  how can they expect us to be efficient with customers if everything in the background is chaos?

anywho-

that's it really.

g-parents come in town tomorrow. eek

i'm a sentimental person.

at the end of the semester i get a little twinge of sadness.  even if i basically hated the class, i always feel a little sad because i won't see those friends again, i won't laugh at that professor again, i won't get pissed off from the grades that i made.  i always feel like i'm leaving with nothing more than a grade, and maybe i would feel better if i had a little something more to take away with me. something tangible.

i also noticed that people get fat in college. i saw a girl i used to work with, she used to be the tiniest thing, and she had rolls. of. fat. i felt kinda sorry. and kinda glad that i haven't gained more than 10 pounds in 4 semesters of school.

wow. i've been in college for 4 semesters. how crazy is that. i don't feel old enough.