so.
i had a wonderful/sad, but wonderful dream last night. not that anyone reallly cares, but i'm writing it down so i don't forget. max is in illinois, so i won't be talking to him really til monday or tuesday so i don't want to forget.
ok.
it seemed to be back in the forties, though the time period wasn't mentioned and the war going on was unnamed. i assume so because of our old fashioned dress, the dancing, etc. my friends and i were all college aged and happy in our relationships, but my girlfriends had only been seeing their boyfriends for a few months. "ryan" (i don't really remember his name, but he was played by ryan phillippe i think.) and i had been together for two years, were utterly, completely in love, and were waiting until the summer to get engaged. we were like the couple everyone envied but loved. as we were walking to the movies, max, who was only a very good friend, ran up to me and asked me out, and i said "no, i'm sorry, i have a boyfriend" as ryan put his arm around me. he left quietly and the rest of us continued on our walk. the next day, the boys had been assigned to base. as us girls were walking to the base, we saw an explosion. we ran towards the base, but weren't allowed in. as we awaited the news, my heart began to pound. the man in charge came and informed us, they were seriously injured, and we would be hearing more later. later, as the news came, i was informed ryan had been killed in an unsuspected bombing. i dropped to the floor in disbelief as my heart began to curl and ache. i started sobbing and screaming - he was the one i was prepared to share the rest of my life with, we had planned on having children, and were truly in love... i couldn't imagine loving anyone else. it was the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking, totally consuming hurt i have ever felt. i gripped a necklace he had given me and cried and cried. as the clean up around the base began, all i could do was watch and sob. (i woke up a couple times sobbing - like heaving sobbing) my friends tried to comfort me, but they didn't understand how i felt, they didn't know what it was like to lose the one you were so devoted to, they hadn't lost their men. as weeks passed, i clung to his memory, seeming to think there was hope he'd come home or it wouldn't be true. those around me started to get mad that i was still upset, and tried hard to get me to move on, but i just couldn't. as a few more weeks went by, my heart began to heal. i decided to finally go out to the local dance hall where a movie was supposed to play to learn a dance. we went and as the tape started to roll, it was clear that the tape had been mixed up. it was footage of the "bombing" though it wasn't a bombing at all. it was a crash of two army vehicles containing explosives and i saw ryan lose his leg and fall to the ground. he was seriously injured but not dead. as he started to crawl to the ground, he caught fire from the gasoline-induced flames. and with that the man in charge announced they wouldn't save him. not because it was hopeless or risky, but because the effort it would take was more than he was willing to give. in seeing this all the grief and agony i had felt returned. i screamed and cried "you could have saved him!" over and over, and i couldn't believe that he could still be alive if it weren't for them. i spent the next weeks again sobbing in grief, devastated over the fact that the man he followed and trusted let him die. as i tried to go out again, i went into the garage to find it filled with fumes. the "man in charge" was trying to kill himself. as angry as i was, i couldn't let him kill himself. i dragged him out, giving him cpr, and leaving him on the pavement as he breathed fresh air again. it seemed to have been a year since ryan was killed, and i was beginning to get angry at myself for not being as sad. i didn't think about him all the time, and, while i missed him, i couldn't get back to that agonizing grief i had once felt. though i still felt as though i couldn't love again, i felt almost normal again - normal with a little piece of me missing. i went to the dance hall with my girlfriends and their men. and as much as i wanted it to be, it wasn't as hard for me to see them happy and in love. it just made me lonely. we began to dance, and for once in a long time, i began to feel happy. i turned towards the doorway as i saw max and his fiancée coming into the hall and in that moment, my world stopped. there was only the faint sound of everyone dancing in slow motion, as he made his way into the hall. and i knew something inside me jumped and was warm again. i felt happy and i could see him in a way i never had before. like he was growing older before my eyes, and i wanted to grow with him. like he was capable of loving me in a way not even ryan would
iever have been able to. to truly care for me and help me grow and raise a family with me. i walked towards him, not knowing what i would say. he politely said hi, but had this sadness in his eyes i hadn't seen before. i put my hand on his chest, and ran it down his arm, finding that the only words coming out of my mouth when i looked into his eyes were "will you marry me?" everyone in the hall stopped, gasped and turned toward us. my heart pounded. "what?" he asked. "will you marry me?" i could tell he didn't want to be the rebound guy. he didn't want to be just someone i wanted to ease my loneliness. but in fact he wasn't. "max, you're the only person i could ever see myself being happy again with. the only one i could ever love again. the only one i want to be there to see me in the morning and to raise children with me. and i think you know that too." he looked at his fiancée, and she took him back out the door. i waited there, as my heart stopped, awaiting his answer. he came back in the room, and stopped in front of me. he paused and took a breath as he took out his car keys. "let's go get my stuff."
i know that's kind of a rough telling, but the end was the happiest i have ever felt in a dream. :) and now i am getting ready for work at starbucks.
worldpeacelove.
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