My weight loss leader posted off list to me. "What's wrong? Why are you struggling?" That's paraphrased. It was several days ago now and I don't remember the exact words. I got the impression she interpreted me to be having a lot of emotional issues or something. I have to admit that, though I didn't want to vent on her, I gave her the long story short.

There are issues. Doesn't everyone have issues? The spouse gives a hassle about why is he the only one who can carry the trash to the garbage can. The kids want to know why they have to do anything around the house if their dad doesn't have to. Elderly parents need help here and there. Like right now. I called to talk to Dad about something only to find he is not well today. So I will set aside my "stuff" and go to see him and Mom. You will understand if this entry is not a long one...and perhaps why I'm not here at this blog as often as I would/should/could be. Somehow the energy of my golden year, the ambition of my PurplePassion50 blog has been affected by all of the responsibilities that I feel I have to bear. But as Mom has always told me, "It won't always be this way."

Come visit me another day...I will be back!!

Dear Daughter #2 is 30 today, as of 12:02 a.m. She wondered at 12:01 a.m. if her family was gathered in one place because all of a sudden her cell phone tone for text messages (actually a doorbell) went off not just once but five times...and no, we weren't gathered in one place plotting. LOL.

She had to have a physical for the in-home daycare business she's starting. The doctor said, "You didn't tell me today is your birthday."

"Shh!" she said. "Don't say it out loud."

"Why?" he asked.

"I'll never see my 20s again."

"Oh, you women," the oriental commented with a smile.

I can't go back to an earlier time and redo everything I've done. I'm not sure I really would want to because I'd still want all of my children, which means I'd have to have the same husband to have the same children all over again. And I'd have to have the same parents to produce me in the exact same genetic state.

This now 30-year-old daughter listened to me grumble last week about all the things I should have done right when I was raising her and her sisters. She said, "Mom, you did the best you knew how at the time. I hate it when you blame yourself for things that aren't your fault!"

Well, OK. Maybe she's right.

On the drive home from somewhere the horizon was still just a bit light, I noticed as my husband drove us. Wow. Just the two of us. Even now when the two of us are alone, it seems so odd because we aren't alone together much. But I think it would be a lot of fun if we were. But he's still working full time...maybe he'll get to retire in eight or 10 years from now. And I'm writing much more these days since the kids don't really need me all that much. And I'll write til they steal my pen from my cold, dead hand.

But it would be nice if we could take that vacation to North Carolina next month. Uncle Sam...Mr. Bush and his oil baron friends...they're working pretty hard to get the price of gasoline to $4 a gallon. And with Venezuela's action today, taking over the oil concerns in Venezuela from American owners, well, I wonder if Mr. Bush and his oil baron friends are going to feel a pinch themselves, just like they're putting on the average Joe and Sue American. Or will the pinch just get tighter for all of us regular people.

I have to wonder what it would take for all Americans to join together on the common ground of what's right and just for all instead of just the monied. Why do I suspect that we're all about to become hostages of the Venezuelan oil situation. Why shouldn't Venezuela make the kind of money from Americans that the Saudis do?

Oh, my. I've become politically incorrect, I suspect. Or maybe I'm just thinking that the founding mothers of the United States had the right idea. If you don't know what I'm referring to, read Founding Mothers: The Women Who Raised Our Nation by Cokie Roberts, (c)2004. I found myself thinking, "We need to host another Boston Tea Party!"

(c)2007 Cathy Brownfield

Friday night and feeling...

...confused.

Or is it lost?

I'm trying to figure out the next direction that I should go. I mean, my children are able to take care of themselves now. I decided to go back to college and complete my bachelor degree. I'm only one hour from senior standing. In three semesters I could complete my bachelor's and be ready to go for the master's in creative writing. Why? Because I want to finish what I started.

There's some disagreement among my friends as to whether I should do a bachelor's in general studies or English. Charlotte doesn't think a general studies degree will further my career. I'm thinking that at age Purple-3 I don't really have to impress a potential employer. How many people are really going to be interested in hiring someone my age? I know, I know, age discrimination is illegal. But it happens. Look at the U.S. government. If you are older then 37 when you apply, you won't be hired because you have to retire after 30 years.

Maureen's bachelor degree is a general studies degree. She's doing OK. She was working on her master's in writing when she became seriously ill.

Patti disagrees with Charlotte. She thinks the general studies is a viable option for me. But she also has encouraged me to look into the bachelor's in English.

Here's the thing: To go to school, I need a car. To get a car I need a job. I don't think I can work full time, go to school full time and be a wife full time. Nobody can do three full time jobs. Of course, I don't want to work full time. But the newspaper reporter job that I'm thinking of applying for is a full time job.

What do I want to do? Write. What am I doing? Procrastinating. I can't get everything done that I want to do so I sit in frustration and do anything but.

At this stage of the game, I shouldn't be in this position. I should be doing whatever I want to do!

So, what do I want to do? Not make mistakes? Geez! I've done that all of my life. It's time to try something different.

Losing web logs

I hate to think my age is showing. I know I started a blog about Alzheimer's to track my mother's condition. I also remember thinking that it might violate her privacy for me to write publicly about it. So, I might have deleted it. I can't find a trace of it anywhere. But I think I would have printed it out before I deleted that stuff, wouldn't I?

Sometimes I think, "I must have Alzheimer's...early onset Alzheimer's." DH says, "Keep it up. You'll talk yourself into it." I don't think one can talk themselves into Alzheimer's. I think it's something that happens...something beyond a person's control. Who, in their right mind, would want AD? I read recently that a lot of people who are care providers for loved ones with AD begin to wonder if they are suffering from it, too. It sounds like it's very common.

One of the symptoms of depression is "forgetfulness." Well, that one might fit. Yesterday DH said, "You have no sense of humor." As I am wont to do, I mulled that over for awhile. Seven or so hours later when he came to bed and shut off the light, I shared with him why I don't have a sense of humor. He said, "Now you know how I feel."

"I try to encourage you. I look for reasons to give you something positive to hold onto. But me? I don't have anyone encouraging me. Nobody notices all the things I do. But let me miss one thing and that's what I hear about." I'm sure I'm responsible for every thing that goes wrong in this corner of the planet. I must be because nobody else is stepping up to take responsibility for all of it.

I don't go out much. He never takes me anywhere because "we don't have the money." I can go around this house and gather up all the trash, bag it, tie it and put it by the backdoor and he'll say, "Why do I have to take this out? Everyone else walks past that garbage can, too." Same with clean laundry. I can carry it to the basement, wash it, dry it, fold it and carry it to the dining room for everyone to take their stuff and put it away, but they don't understand why they have to do that when Mom is around for just that purpose.

I finally told him, "I'm sorry for my attitude. I'll work on mine if you'll work on yours. No double standards. If you don't have to work on yours, I won't work on mine, either." And that's how we left the conversation as we turned our backs to each other and went to sleep.

My parents...the Alzheimer's causes stress between them. And I try to arbitrate to get things calmed back down and peaceful. Sometimes, with everything else, it's stressful for me. But I can walk out the door of my parents' home and don't have to go back for a day or two or five or ten. They have to live with it day in, day out. They need me to come in and give them a change of scene and activity to break up what has become their way of life.

So, here I am, writing in my zest for living blog, very openly discussing my life instead of hiding beneath a cloak of anonymity. What is the matter with me?

I want sunshine. Lots of it. I want heat and humidity. Lots of it. I'm talking summer time. That's when I'm at my best. I want balance...body, mind and soul. I want peace...inner peace and peace within my family and home. I want passion in my life.

Some of it I can do for myself. Other of it is out of my control, out of my hands. So, I guess I'll take one day at a time. And since it's doing typical March weather today...snow earlier, then rain, now just gray and waiting for more of the wet stuff in whatever form...I guess it's time to turn on all the lights and simulate sunshine...lots of sunshine.

And about the Alzheimer's Journal I was writing online...I guess I'll worry about that another day. I'm thinking maybe I did delete it. But I can start it again if I want to. Anonymously, of course.

Purple 3 and counting

Ewww. Who wants to count?

I managed to get through my b-day without injury. I didn't have to be locked in a round, padded room with no windows. I've broken the pattern. Life is good.

The humidity was terrible for a couple of weeks. The temperature was near triple digits. It's below 90 degrees this week. We all should be running around with sweaters on, I think. Just kidding.

The world seems like it's gone completely berserk. There is some bliss in the ignorance of not knowing what's going on in the world since we don't (gasp!) have cable TV and haven't had it for two years. No, no dishes, either. Nothing. We use the TV for DVDs and Nintendo. That's it.

Still, we are aware of the globe being "on the verge of World War 3". We're aware of the conflicts between Islam and everyone else in the world. (Don't flame me for speaking the truth. And you know that I am.) If you and I aren't part of the solution, we're part of the problem. But there likely is no solution to the Christian vs. Islam, Christian vs. pagan, Christian vs. anything. God is the authority and we all should be listening to him. We all should be striving to know him better, because how can you love someone you don't know?

I'm concerned about a few things. I'm concerned about my family in relationship with WW3. With the military stretched out around the world either involved in conflicts or monitoring conflicts and potentially explosive situations, what will happen if there is a need--even draft--to fill the military with personnel? Will our youngest daughters, both single, be called to serve? Please, God, no. Will our veteran son-in-law be recalled to the Marines? Will my veteran DH be recalled to the Army? Will my younger brother be drafted? Will his wife be called to duty because she is a nurse? Or will it even matter if some madman hits the wrong button and initiates nuclear war?

Understand that I'm not upset in the least as I write these words. I am thinking...pondering...considering. I know that God is in control and knows what he is doing with his creation. But there are so many who don't understand that and they are scared to death of what is ahead, panicking and cocooning safe at home under a false sense of safe.

I'm thinking too much. I suppose it's my writerly ways. So I will stop here and free you from reading any more of these thoughts.