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The_Retard_Girl
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Name: Frances
Birthday: 3/24/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: Music, creating things.. BLOOD
(well, I used to, before Ian).. biting.. drawing.. smoking anything I can inhale.. poetry.. playing guitar.. writing shitty songs.. Charles Manson.. Sid and Nancy.. NIRVANA, Hole, Marilyn Manson, Sonic Youth, the Pixies, the Breeders, Bush, RHCP, NIN, the Beatles, the Doors, Bikini Kill, the Distillers, the Ramones, L7, Smashing pumpkins, Alice in Chains, Anti-flag, the White stripes, Alice Cooper, and on and on.. pretty things.. being so cold that I can't feel anything.. playing around with my lipstick.. staying in bed.. fucking myself with screwdrivers and knives.. guns.. and Ian. My life would be invisible without him.
Occupation: Retired
Message: message me
AIM:  Dollparts49
AIM: http://www.myspace.com/the_retard_girl?on_url=http://www.aol.com:80/aim/gr/online.gif&off_url=http://www.aol.com:80/aim/gr/offline.gif) (myspace thingy) http://www.myspace.com/the_retard_girl
Member Since:
2/2/2005
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| "DON'T NEED YOUR DICK TO SUCK!"
My dreams came true! Courtney is writting an autobiography/journal. For more info, suck this: http://www.moonwashedrose.com/dirtyblonde.html
Well, I have made it back to the computer world. It's not anymore appealing than it was before, but in some ways, it's my only way to communicate with people.
I've put off seeing nearly everyone from school. My reason for this doesn't explain much, other than I just didn't have the mental strength. It's hard to face things that you've tried so preciously to get away from, but even harder trying to face it after succeeding. Half of my summer was enjoyed through pipes and red walls. I've only seen a few people, including Ian, and I went to visit Max I guess a week after school ended, and Jeffrey finally called a week ago and came to see me. This quiet time has literally drove me crazy, sort of like that show Solitary. I'm sick so fucking sick of having to have a mirror near me just to pretend there's someone else there. And even this shit! COMPLAINING!
Silence was all I wanted last year. I wanted alone time, more time to focus on my problems and future, more time to waste. Ian has been working his ass off trying to work and then deal with me. I'm so weird. I have nothing new to talk about, since I don't fucking do anything. I don't think anything. And I'm dizzy for the most part from lack of sleep. I've got to save myself. I need the people I've killed.
Anyway.. the only good news I can share with you is that Ian finally got his apartment Friday. I've been going back and forth over there everyday since, helping him and cooking and cleaning for him. Trying to find a joy in the experiences of a house wife. His mom and I hung out Saturday and we found a puppy walking down the side of the road and we knew we had to take him with us. So we went back and he ran right up to the car. I named him Lou. Then we went shopping for house hold things and went to Ian's while he was at work (I've got a key) and set up everything. The apartment itself isn't the best one. It faces the University of Police and the air conditioning only cools off half of the room, and he had a number of plumbing problems. I love him to death, but I'm glad I had today away to be alone. That's it! That's my problem. I get tired of being around people day after day. I always want to have time to be alone. I need to learn to divide time spent alone and time spent with people. My last post was sort of the end of that sort of people every day thing.
Well, I'm getting sick of me too, so I'll hopefully talk to some of you guys again. | | |
| A birthday and spring break gone to complete waist.
My 17th birthday sucked incredible ass. I hung out with Miki and then we went to Mark's. I drank a 40 and then magically got sick. I was coughing and sneezing like I was about to die. Finally, Ian and I went home at 6 in the morning. Ugh.. being sick sucks. He got me a small glass pipe and a dime, so that was comforting, even though I couldn't even smoke a fucking cigarette without killing myself.
Beans got me nothing.
And for spring break, well.. nothing happened. Ian and I dallied all week and got stoned everyday. I didn't see anyone, as in friends. It feels like I'm shoving all my friends into a corner. Kyra spent the night Saturday and we hung out at the Grind for a while Friday. We watched Live Freaky/Die Freaky. Ha, that movie was funny. It was the first time I saw everyone since the party. Which I'm still not cool with.
Nothing new. Nothing smart.
Oh, I bought a Hole video with all their videos, a few performances and 2 interviews, Courtney on Howard Stern and Barbra Walters. It's pretty neat, I guess. Since no one else fucking likes Hole or Courtney.
Geez, it's as if I've lost my ability to communicate. | | |
| Oh my, oh my.
How does all of this stuff even begin? It seems like time is rushing to make my life as a 16 year old as fucking crazy as it can before I turn 17.
Well, Miki and I went to the Grind Friday and met a lot of new people. Jason even showed up and I was glad to see him. I don't remember all of the people's names, but little did I know how soon we were going to be seeing all of them again. We left to go to Burger King and I spent the night with Ian, had a little breakdown (I was so emotionally unstable this weekend) and then Saturday, Miki and I got bored so we went to the Grind AGAIN. She brought along 2 of her friends who seemed to not be having a good time, but oh well. Then, Kyra, Cade and all the other's we met the night before showed up and Cade decided to throw a party at his house since he lived alone. So me, Miki, her 2 friends, and 8 other people went. I didn't know any of these people, they were complete strangers, but I thought, "What the hell? What else is there to do?" Of course there's plenty of vodka and beer and of course Frances has to drink. I drank a couple of beers and then a tall glass of orange juice and vodka. Let's say I put far more vokda in it than orange juice. Alice in Chain's Dirt was playing and I was so lost, dancing around the room singing, "What's my drug of choice? Well, what have you got?" and everyone was in a circle, playing Spin the bottle. I ended up kissing Kyra, Cade and this really creepy guy that looks like Brody Dalle's husband from Queens of the Stone Age (I hate that guy only because he knocked Brody up.. stupid, I know) and some other people. Then everyone started getting naked. It's expected, I suppose. But not me, boy, not me. And not this other guy who didn't even want to play to begin with. So since I didn't want to participate in having oral sex with anybody there, I decided to go fix myself another glass of vodka. Ooo, bad idea. There was no more orange juice, so I just filled up a glass of straight vodka and downed it as quickly as possible. My ass was way the hell too drunk to even walk. I went outside to smoke a cigarette or 5, when Kyra came out naked, and I held her while she cried. Then I got depressed. I went back into the living room, and I fell, knocking myself out on someone's elbow, knee or head (something like that) and I guess I was sprawled out in the floor, chanting about how much I really do love Courtney and I kept asking if anybody'd seen Kurt (yes, Kurt Cobain) then I went off on that creepy guy, telling him to keep his dick away from Brody. I almost hit him, because he kept trying to touch me and from what Miki said, even tried to take me in the back room to "lay down with me so I can sober up" So then Miki, creepy guy and Cade dragged me to a bedroom and Miki made them all get out of there and I started crying. I'm telling you, I was extremely depressed. What I went on about, I don't know. But I wanted to know where Ian was appearently. Everyone told me I kept asking, "Where's Ian? God, please! Someone get Ian for me! I'm sorry.. he's going to hate me. He won't love me anymore. Ian..." and one guy told me I kept comparing us to Kurt and Courtney and Sid and Nancy. Yes, that's how truly drunk and obsessed I was. But I cried to Miki, telling her about EVERYTHING. I even told her that I cheated on Ian a while ago. I'm glad she stayed with me, because I would have died without her. I don't know if she was drunk, but she stayed awake the entire time. After I passed out, I guess she left to rejoin the party, and I woke up, took off my shirt (I remember that I wanted to take off my pants, but I know I didn't because I crawled back into bed, so I thought) but then a while later, I found myself outside, wrapped in a blanket, smoking a cigarette. I seriously don't know what I did or how I did it. Today, a guy came up and said, "Are you okay? You were so drunk the other night. You were on the floor without any pants, screaming that Ian won't love you anymore. And you kept talking about Courtney Love. You said you wanted to be famous, etc." I seriously don't remember being on the floor with my pants off. I just don't think I'd do that because of how self concious I am. Maybe without my shirt, but no way. I don't even believe it. Miki didn't let anything happen to me though. She kept a close eye on me like I did her until I got too drunk. Some of the guys there were not so trustworthy and she was prancing around with her tits hanging out but told me to make sure she didn't have sex with anyone and that no one took advantage of her. She was downing hydrocodone and beer, so I was pretty worried. When I woke up, I saw her laying beside me, and I had my pants on, pretty sure that I never took them off. There was also the sounds of someone fucking in the room beside us. It turned out to be Cade and one of Miki's friends.
But yeah.. that was that. Miki and I swore we wouldn't tell Mark or Ian (who were only a few yards away from where Cade lived ironically). She was more scared than I was because Mark would really hurt her if he found out what she did. Ian wouldn't care so much, but man, all I could think about was saving him, loving him, being with him. I didn't want anyone there to touch me. I ended up stealing this Marilyn Manson picture book when we left, though. I like to take things with me from anywhere I go to remind me how I got them.
So, today at school, I'm having a slight hangover. I puked yesterday and stayed in bed and worked on my book. That's about it.
Please, I just want to turn 17 already so this in fucking sane year of being 16 is buried inside my book.
I wonder if I had sex with anybody. | | |
| *SOMEONE, ANYONE... if you know anything about Michael Shultz, please contact me. I've been trying to get a hold of him since I haven't talked to him in like half a year, so if you have his number or know the name of his apartments, let me know*
Finally... I'm using this class period to update and since I have a good enough grade, I can spare a day.
Well, like I said in the last post, I moved back in with Beans a month ago. I still don't fucking like him, BUT I can smoke in my room and have all the privacy I want. So I guess we're even. He wanted me to move back and I wanted more freedom.
My life has been completely crazy in this past month. I've had new experiences in narcotics a lot more than ever. Well, since Miki and I became good friends, I've been "going to spend the night at her house" every weekend, but really going to spend the night with Ian. In the time that I wait for him to get off work, at Mark's, I've engaged in doing some pretty hard shit. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I will say that even though I don't believe drugs are bad, one should be aware of what and how much they are taking. It's just a wise suggestion.
I've read some great books along the way, as well. SCAR TISSUE was absolutely wonderful. Anthony Keidus is a lot more interesting than I ever thought he'd be and this is one of my favorite books. It also got me heavily listening to RHCP.
MANSON IN HIS OWN WORDS was interesting. I just got finished reading it today, actually and the next time you hear anyone say that Charlie killed all those people, you go tell them to read that book. In reality, he only shot one person and killed one drug dealer. The whole thing started with a bad drug deal and the guy Tex. It's actually a lot like the John Holmes situation. It all begins with drugs.
JIM MORRISON: NO ONE HERE GETS OUT ALIVE sucked. Well, it wasn't horrible, but I don't have many good things to say about it. It's just very factual and boring. Good pictures, though.
And I'm about to read this book called THE HAPPY HOOKER. Ian bought it at the same time as the Jim Morrison biography (which he thought I'd like). So yeah. If you like reading, check out Scar Tissue and Manson in his own words.
Um... outside of all that dumb BS, nothing else has occured. I've gotten extremely far in my own book. Ideas have just been spilling out of me, with no inspiration.
Well, I guess I'll get around to commenting you back. Hopefully I'll be able to get the internet back at home. Sadly, I fucking miss it. | | |
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