| I'm too fat to be anorexic.
This is true.
Or at least ana tells me so...
My diet has really been a method of starvation. so what can i say, deal with iton your own please. i'm still alive. but i'm not naturally 84 pounds. i wish. i've had to go through everything from drugs to diet pills to fasting. it's my realality and it is so very real to me. getting "better" would mean to fight my reality. i may be able to go to the doctor and change my eye color from blue to brown, but the fact is that my eyes will always remain blue. that's what ana is like. insert her thoughts into your mind and litterally change it. i think doctors are full of crap. they can help with every effort possible, but like i said, my "eyes are blue" i think the world has "brown eyes" or is of a different seeing color.
I need control. Without it, then my heart will continue to desparatley ache for the torment. Filling my outsides (with food) causes my soul to waste away; thus, to waste the flesh may fill my insides with contenment. It's a compensation. I can't explain it, but i do know that i need this. It's a sese of purpose. Feed me nothing, so i can grow to feel i am something. i don't want to go back to that fat body full of chaos. nothig can take that away from me. There is no reason o fall down by weight whe i can float so high.
(this was taken above when i weighed 15 more pounds ewww)
i'm going to stay like this. i know it'll kill me. not the drugs, not the smoking, not the endless hours of exercise, or the empty stomach. the pain is going to kill me. i can't afford treatment, not now. no insurance, no money, no one knows the truth, and ana likes that you know.
when it comes down to it, i'd kill to go back into treatment, but for know i'm just killing myself. for just too long, i have been a slave to my demon of self-starvation. i'm just sick of crying and screaming alone because i think i found "new fat" on my bones. it's simply exhausting my soul. as much as i crave and "love" my eating disorder, if i could just get a glimps of whats on the opposite side of faith, i would take it. but, for now, i can't imagine a life without anorexia. nothng else seems to matter. nothing. not my family, close friends, work, school, the world, or even myself. no one knows whats it's really like. they can never comprehend this if i were to be raw. to get down to the nitty-gritty.
I may be liking this too much, but it's never enough.
For how am I to breathe as it endlessly consumes the pores
beyond my soul??? When it all comes down to it, im just alone.
why did so many run when i needed them the most?!?
because it was better for me and helped? I don't think so.
i only wanted to get better, because everyone said
i needed to.
but it's hard, and with the thought of looking like that
"chubby girl" i once was, it dreads my soul.
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