This world will never be What I expected And if I don't belong Who would have guessed it

Heh, bet you all thought you'd never see me again.

Proved *that* one wrong, didn't I. Man, it's been frikkin ages since I've been on here and done more than perused the subs list. Hell, it takes me a minute to figure out how to do anything, I don't care for the new setup, that's for damned sure. Umm, a lot has happened since Winter, but that's to be expected.

I got tired of AZ. Things weren't going well between me and my parentals (mainly Jeffry), so I decided it was time to skedadle. And so me and Britt packed up and moved out to Dayton, OH. Granted, we actually wanted to move out to Columbus, which actually has stuff going for it, unlike Dayton, however a couple of things prevented us from doing this. First being Britt's family. We were in Terra Haute, and I called her aunt to let her know we were gonna be in the next day, and she was commenting that we would be staying at britt's gma's, which we'd told her multiple times that we couldn't, and so she got pissed at us because we weren't "Communicating" well with her. So we were getting into Dayton with nowhere to stay. Luckily David saved our asses, and we stayed with him.

Course, the road trip should have shown us how Dayton would be- we hit amarillo, and got a blow out on the freeway in the middle of the night. Had to wait for a damned tow truck to get us, and we had to completely unpack our car on the side of the highway in the middle of the night. Not easy. So yeah, that blew.

Ummm.. so back to Columbus- turns out it's super expensive, and a lot of it is shitty, so we decided to not move there, also due to britt's crappy family that happened to live in Columbus and N Dayton.

So where did we move?

South Dayton, away from most everyone. If I had it my way, I probably would have moved to Cinci, just because there's more there. Ohwell, coulda, woulda, shoulda. Got work at Linens N Things, and it sucked. I didn't care for the music, the hours, the climbing up and down ladders to change boxes and displays. Crappy crappy crappy. Plus, they gave me next to no hours. |-\ Ugh.

So that was in April/May area. Fast forward to August. Britt got a job as a videographer and we hauled ass to Las Vegas, the beacon city that we wished we had gone to in the first place, instead of Portland. So here we are, in LV. And boy is LV expensive, but it's less exp than LA and NYC, and has more to offer than Phx. So yeah, what can I say. You win some, you lose some.

Uhh... Other than that, I'm workin as an admin assistant while helping with website maintenence. Learning crap about frontpage. Sacrificing some of my hours and pay to gain knowledge.

I'm a knowledge whore. Yup.

In other news, my cat put a hole in my air matress this morning. Sucky fucky. We have like, no furniture, so it blows. My brother and I wound up patching things back up, though I think I mentioned that. He went into the army, and he's now in Seoul, or at least, I'm guessing he is, since he said he no longer has a phone I can call him at. Leh sigh. And my sister in law still doesn't talk to me so I can't ask her.

Oh wells....

So yesh, I luv it here in LV, I'm broke as fuck, but I like the feeling here more than I did in Dayton or Ptld. And while I liked it in Phoenix, I like it here more. So wee for me.

I also have fish. I like-ah my fishies.

Welp, that's about it. Have fun what few of you are still haunting this area (Crys and Goal is probably all lol).

Adios.

Here I stand the accused With your fist in my face Feeling tired and bruised With the bitterest taste.

So I'm here to vent more than anything else. Today has blown, and I'm tired, bitter, and ready to lay my vengeance upon anyone who dare stand in my way.

The past few weeks have sucked. I truly wonder if I would have been better slowly dying of frostbite and  hunger in Vancouver would have been better. This place sucks the life out of me, and my parental figures don't help. Had a dream about Rick last week. I was yelling at him through most of it. Senior told meto call him and talk to him, that it was showing me I needed to communicate with him. I did. Turns out, he got married. To some South American lady who is on a visa.

Ugh. It makes me ill. I feel sorry for Tavia, I really do.

Looks like Oklahoma isn't going to work out. The lady told Britt that she wasn't qualified enough for the job. We never got notice that we weren't hired, but the job is no longer posted on our apps pages, soooooooo... We've been appliing to anything we can get our hands on, it's really slow on this dial up, but whatever, if it gets me the hell outta here, I'm for it.

Mom cut down my cactus today. She didn't just trim it, oh no. There's two nubs left, or like, one and a half nubs left. She didn't even leave a whole pad left on the thing, just cut them all off. And she didn't water it. She just threw all the pieces out by the burn bin. Could have transplanted the pads, but no. Just left them to die.

Fucking Bitch.

I know, that's harsh, but that's how I feel right now. The only damned plant that's actually alive out here, andshe hacked it up. Wouldn't have cared if she would have tastfully trimmed it back, but no.

Hacked. It. Up.

I'm grumpy. I know. Dinner was uck. Because of it, I'm low on the sugars, so I'm bitchy. No two ways around it. But if someone practically killed your plant, you'd be pissed too.

I found a really  great website today called ThinkGeek.com They have this shirt that lights up when there is a wifi connection. I want that shirt. A lot. But... I don't have $30 to spend for it. So no shirt for me. But one day, Iwill get it.

Ummm... other than that, not a whole lot. Well, that's not entirely true, but since this is a party line, I'm not divulging everything that  runs through my head.

Until next time.

I'll bet you think this song is about you, don't you?

I pulled that song lyric out of my ass. I have no idea what to use. I don't much care.

Sooo....... it's been, what, almost two months? Yeah. That's probably the longest I've ever gone. Yay. Alot has kinda happened. But yet not. Thanksgiving, Britt got sick. So we stayed home. Annett brought us food, but it was only so so. We decided that we were gonna move around that time as well. I think we left the monday after Thanksgiving. Sounds about right. We left as the snow was heading towards us. If we would have waited a day, we would have been snowed in. So it's good we left when we did. The getting ready for the return trip was anightmare. Went to see GGma before I left, and she wanted to take us to dinner. I couldn't tell her no without getting in troubvle, so most of our packing time was taken up by eating with her. So yeah.... plus, we couldn't take a lot of stuff with us, due to space. We managed to take all of our tables, but had to sell the bed, our light, and the kitchen table. Had to give up our gamer chairs and tv cart. Coudln't keep the pans, some of our wall hangins, one of the lights, and a myriad of other smaller items.

Live lightly, I suppose.

So we got out late, because of our need to create more space. Britt had a bit of a mental shut down, and it was frustrations all aroudn. The trip was fairly smooth, thought Britt may not agree. We were fucked over by Medford again. We got separated, and I was forced to move to a side road by stupid motorists, and a highway patrol stopped to ask why I was idling as well. So stressful. Not the best thing to have right before you hit CA. We went the I-5 route most of te way. Mainly because a lot of Northern CA is under construction. Going through Weed to Redding... oh my god. It's a winding road, and it's only two lanes. You're sharing it with trucks that are going 55  in one lane, and I'm trying to keep a 75 mph on a 6% grade in a laden down stick shift.

Fuck. Me.

It was a bitch. And then, just outside fo Sacramento, we stopped at a rest stop, and some creepy guy started following us, so we peeled onto the highway and flew as fast as we could. We lost him when we got off at the next exit to go eat.

Freaky.

And you wouldn't believe, we made it from Vancouver, WA allllll the way down to Lost Hills, CA. That's a long drive. Up at 5 or 6, and didn't get off the road until 1am. Sucky. We then went through Pasadina, thereby missing all of LA, thank god. However, it was still nerve racking, trying to 75 on teh freeway, making sure no one gets in btwn Britt and myself. Ugh. Never ever ever moving to CA. Never. I hate driving there.

Since then, been sitting at home. Trying to stay outta trouble with my parents. Jeff's been assholic, and mom is the ever stressed out "I have no work! And you cost money! Ahh!!" It's annoying. Still haven't heard from McAlester, but we're hoping that they'll contact us soon one way or another.

Christmas was uneventful. Mom didn't get us much because she wasn't sure where we'd be going, etc. I told her I wanted a Nintendo D.S. She said I didn't need it. Ugh. That's the point of Christmas. SHe bought Jeff shitloads of crap. It's no wonder she spent so much money on Christmas (she was complaining) and it's like, well look at where your money went. It's your fault.

Going up to Payson tomorrow to see Haile Paile. It'll be interesting to catch up and see what's going on with her. Wee.

That's about it with the history update, but I want to go on a separate rant that I've been mlling over for a few weeks. For those of you who watch A&E, there's this new show called Paranormal State. And i have issues with this damned show. It makes me sad, that most of these paranormal shows are so fucking Christian based, which that's fine, Christians/Catholics can be spirit ppls too. But I think what made me go ugh and hit my head was when they were cleansing this house, and they were calling upon saints and crap to cleanse and protect, and my biggest thing was-

Why do Wiccan's get such a bad rap?

I mean, hell, these frikkin Catholics are doing the same things that any witch would do. You call upon Michael and Gabriel, I call upon Anpu and Isis, etc. I just don't see why witches are so bad or chastised, when the damned church does the same thing with different names.

It's retarded.

And tat's my rant.

Ummmmmmmm........ I'm not sure what else ot talk about for right now, so I'm just gonna go.. and maybe eat something. adios.

Oh yeah, I'll leave comments when I'm not on dial up- that's why it's taken me so long to update- cuz dial up  blows.  

Life is like a mean machine, it made a mess outta me.

I'm back. With very little to tell you that is new. Most of this post will just be mental musings, because I've got nothing else right now.

So Bob died on Sunday. Gpa is letting him be buried in Patagonia after all, and we'll use the plot next to Mary for someone else in the Gatlin fam.
Wee.

SUnday was also Doyal's birthday. We showed up, uninvited, unexpected. It was fun.

Friday morning, Britt got a call for an interview for today. So that's what we did. Went to meet with Annette, ate lunch, waited around, and she went to the interview. She said it went well. And wouldn't you know, when she got home, she had another invitation to interview with ITT Tech as a teacher.

I applied for that job too. In fact, I applied for both. I got denied for both. This blows.

Tomorrow I'm going to the mall, to try and get work there- in retail. Yes, you heard me right- retail. I hate retail.

Can't stand it.

Because people are so fucking stupid and rude, thinking they own teh place. Ugh. But I need money. Slowly dying due to lack of funds. Need. Money. Now.

Did you know that Christmas is about 38 days away? Freaky. I don't know how I'm gonna get anyone anything, or *what* I'm gonna get them. Mom's job ends Friday. I need work soon.

What else.... It's getting colder. Today averaged about 50 degrees. IT's cold. Doyal gave us rabbit ears for our television. So we now get 4 channels... in good weather. *ahem* I'm hungry. Still no ideas for a project. Britt says she'll help me come up with something, and we'll make it together, so we'll see. I Don't know, I want to be productive, but anymore I just want to go cry in the corner. I've been melancholic since we got up here. Hell, since the day we left. I've been told that I need to think of a christmas present for britt's parents to get for me. I don't think I'll suggest anything. I feel bad asking for anything, esp. considering I'm only partially in their favor. I already know what I'll be telling everyone in AZ... money. Lots of it.

Trying to keep my ass calm. Trying to ignore the impending doom hanging over my head. Trying so hard. Failing so hard. I hate my life right now. Or pretty close to it. It's sad, cuz I don't quite hate my life, but I hate the circumstances. I hate my bad luck, the fact that I have to fucking fight for just about everything. I hate my father. I hate the way this world is run off of money. I hate that no one is willing to hire any juniors. I hate LA and the people that are coming up here to take our jobs. Hate hate hate. So much hate, it flows like venom from my veins. I'm trying to get rid of the hate. The precarious situation that fate has thrown me into that has spurned on this hate. This situation that makes me cry almost every night. THat's right- every - fucking - night. I get worried when I get like this- sad all the time, words flowing out like poetry. It makes me think of then. Then is bad. Let's not go back there.

A messy messy maze. For the few of you that still read this that are still in college- believe me with all your being when I tell you that it only gets harder after college is out. Esp if you picked a field that is hard to get into

Like art.

This is the time that I wish she was still here. I could easily sit there, talk, spew my worries, all of them. Wouldn't have to worry about her worrying, she'd tell me that I'd get out of it, wouldn't tell me that I made a mistake coming up here, or in choosing my degree. Anyone I talk to, they have invested something into this ordeal. I'd make them worry, and I don't want that. That's why I don't talk.

Even by posting this, I'll have made at least one of them worry. And I Don't want that. I'm just stressed. I gotta go somewhere.

Now I won't lie. Today was pretty good. I was excited that Britt's interview went well. That I got a free lunch. But when I came home to find that I still had no responses, and that she had another... it makes me sad. Esp for something that I feel we're both equally qualified for. Makes me very sad.

Very very.

I've worked my ass off. And still. Nothing. I just don't understand it. Keep waiting. I know. I will, I do. I haven't given up. It just makes me sad. Oh so sad. And I Don't think Laika is gonan come knocking on my door. Just for the record.

Gah. There I go again. I worry too much.

Sunshine, puppies, happiness. I miss my cats. Just so you know. Everyone told me I'd cry, leaving my family behind. I miss most- my cats. I wish I could have taken then with me. I do.

Saw a huge flock of geese today. They make me smile. Like squirrels. I love squirrels.

I wish it wasn't so cold outside. I'd love to go walkting, but my god is it COLD outside. And I can't afford to lose my body heat. Thank god we have unlimited water to take showers to heat our asses up. I'm a pansy anymore when it comes to the cold.

Maybe I need to just lay on the ground and cry until I can't anymore. Leak out all the tears from all these years, and then, I won't want to cry anymore. Maybe. I've been told that I need to come to terms with my crying and past and other shit, so that I can get further in my meditation work. But when I get the urge to cry the most, someone is there to say "don't cry" so yeah... need to get my timing so I can do that. So I can get better in my nonmundane. Cuz I love that stuff.

Welp, I'm off to do other things. See ya.

They looked at eachother- as though they had a deep understanding of eachother. She gazed into his amber eyes. She thought "He really loves him more than you, doesn't he?" The cat looked back at her and said "More than both of us."

Okay, three websites you all need to get your asses over to:
Blackle.com
Freerice.com
Cosmeticsdatabase.com

Blackle is an alternative to google. They use a black screen, and it uses less energy. So if you're not looking for photos, maps, videos, etc, and just using the plain search, go there. You'll save some energy.

Free Rice is a free game. Every time you win, you donate 10 grains of rice to poor peoples. Go be nice and donate!

Cosmetics Database is cool- it shows how harmful certain products are for you and things they can cause. It's pretty cool.

Okay, back to our normal posts (go visit now!!).

So this past week or so has been hectic. I'm hoping it'll get better, I really am. Looking harder for PT work, since it doesn't seem like I'm going to get any art jobs soon. However, I'm still hitting CL multiple times each day. So I'm not giving up in that area either.

Been partially sick-mentally and physically. The mental I think is jsut due to stress overall. Yup. I'm hoping though, that troubles will soon stop, and things will turn for the better.

Trying to get inspiration for a motion graphics piece, but it's so hard to find. Anyone got any ideas? Any thoughts you'd love to see on screen or a plotline you like? I'm wanting to do something a bit abstract, kind of like a lot of the Target commercials. I'm hoping I'll think of something. I need to.

Found out today that my Ggpa has pnemonia and will probably die within the next few days due to CO2 buildup. I dunno, I'm not that worried or sad. I'm more worried about gpa Dud, he's taking it harder than he expected. He and his dad never really got along. She's all big on how I'm gonna be the same way with my dad. I dunno, I think I've been more than patient and resonable. I don't see how I'm gonna regret not spending time with him, when he's the one not talking to me.

So who knows. Either way, someone somewhere is gonna get be upset.

I need something to do with my time. I'm bored, a lot.

Blarg. I need inspiration. I want sleep. Now. Ugh. Not likely.

Okay, I'm gonna go kill time elsewhere.