Sunday, October 12, 2008

  • I haven't fooled around on the piano in a while. Now I'm remembering how much easier it is for me to create melodies on piano. It's very novice piano playing, but in terms of just getting out a melody it comes to me so much easier than on guitar.

    All the music theory that I learned in the past is gone. I just play by ear now, so I really have no idea what I'm doing. haha.. but it's still therapeutic and peaceful despite all the mistakes and conflicting notes and chords. I wish I had the house all to myself more often. I don't like creating new things when my parents are home. I don't know why. I think I feel like they make too big a deal out of it. I just want to be left alone in silence and even after I'm done I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone about it. If it's just my brother, he does his own thing and doesn't bother me so he's okay. Is that weird?

    Trying to decide if I should put up my 15 minutes of random piano playing. I realize to real piano aficionados out there it will probably just sound like a mess of noise so I don't want to hurt their ears. The other thing that makes me hesitant.. aside from criticism when I already don't claim it to be some kind of masterpiece.. is someone stealing the melodies. I know it probably sounds stupid. Maybe no one would want to steal them or maybe I unintentionally stole them from other people, but yeah...

    Hmm... I'll have to think on that. I think I might put it up.. maybe. It's long random piano playing though. Maybe it's too long. I want to cut out all the bad chords/notes. It does make even me cringe a little when I make mistakes because the sound is just so much like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. It's not pleasant at all. haha

Friday, October 10, 2008

  • Random: Isn't it interesting how most people have the same idea of what a good looking or hot person should or would like, but it has nothing to do with attraction? Not everyone likes the hot looking guy or girl. They might be nice eye candy or maybe not even for some people. To others they may be boring looking even though they can tell that the world would classify them as "hot".  So does that make you want to be a hot guy or girl? lol
  • Orignally written/privately posted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008 @ 8:34 PM

    I finally wrote a song I'm pretty happy about and don't think it's complete garbage. It's not the best song ever and definitely not a hit, but tolerable. lol

    I think I need a break from listening to music. Maybe I'll write more instead then. Inspiration is hard to come by. Playing chords and stuff is easy, but the words are hard for me. I'm too wordy for my own good. I don't know how to write what I want to say so that it works in a song. Too many words and things going on in my head. Melodies are easy-ish and first ones are usually boring. Good, interesting melodies are hard.


    Today/Now

    I'm at work and running out of ideas for concepts for a campaign I'm working on so I thought I'd spend time listening to Patty Griffin and just write for a bit.

    So this song I've been working on... each time I play it I change it a little. It's hard. I can't decide what I like more, what I want to keep. Not ready to share it with the world. Don't know if I ever will.

    Lately, this past week I've been writing a lot, jotting down notes and thoughts. Every time something comes to me or I feel an emotional surge of sorts and I find some words to go with it I'll open up Notepad and just type it out and save it. I feel like this is songwriting 2.0. Instead of using pen and paper, I use Notepad. lol... Maybe I should start carrying a journal for these short phrases and thoughts (preferably one with a lock to keep them personal. haha).

    That's how I ended up writing this recent song. It started with a feeling/thought and just evolved as I dwelt on it. It might sound generic, it may be corny, but it is what it is. It's mine. I never realized how scary it actually is to write songs. It makes me feel vulnerable. In terms of the tune itself, I really can't tell if the melodies are originals and unique or if I'm just grabbing bits and pieces from songs I've heard. I'm not intentionally trying to do that, I just wonder if that's happening. I hope not. haha

    I've been recording bits and pieces of melodies and words, but that's all they are right now. Perhaps down the road I will return to them and finish them. I did write a worship song a month or two back. I haven't really revisited it. Writing songs for God, I find hard. Everything seems so cliche to me. It just feels like anything that can be written about God has already been written. There just aren't enough words. I dunno... anyway, yeah so all the bits and pieces I've been writing have just been really personal stuff.

    I have to say... even if I don't ever share the songs.. just singing them to myself is theraputic. It's like time travel. Emotions and feelings come back and I'm reminded of why I wrote it, what I was thinking at the time. I just feel like I've been going through a lot emotionally and just like... inside me. Just a lot of things going on, a lot of... words and thoughts running through my head. It's a good time for writing. It's still not easy, but I guess I'm more inspired by it all.

    I really wish I could play piano a lot better. I love the piano. Guitar is easier for me, but I think if I could choose which one I'd want to be really good at it would be piano. I just love listening to it. There's something.. grand about it. It's beautiful. I know there are amazing guitarists and other types of musicians out there and you can just sit there listening to them in awe, but I think when I hear someone playing a piano, it doesn't take much for it to really touch and move me. It's a sound I don't think I could ever tire of.

    Currently Listening
    Living With Ghosts
    By Patty Griffin
    Moses & Every Little Bit
    see related

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

  • Seeking distractions... or just a life? The cold is killing my motivation to be out and about more.
  • Most of you have probably heard  "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson by now, but have you seen him perform live? I like the song, but today was the first time I saw a video of him and I have to say it really creeps me out. Just watch below.



    Is that not creepy? The way he moves and his smile. I don't know... it really weirds me out. I wouldn't want to see him live. I'd listen to him live, but I would wear a blind fold or something. CREEPY!!!

    Also, Joshua Radin was kinda creepy too, but not like that. I felt like I was having staring contests with him. Being in the second row.. he made a lot of eye contact with me and it was uncomfortable every time he stared, but I didn't want to give in so I just stared right back. I didn't want to lose to Joshua Radin! hahaha.. He made a lot of eye contact with the same people, about a dozen maybe, and just STARES into your eyes, and not in a flattering way. He just kept staring at people!! You knew exactly who he was looking at each time he changed people and he'd spend a good 5-10 seconds staring right into their eyes as he was playing and singing. It's really unnerving. He didn't seem crazy though, whereas Matt Nathanson.. well... he looks crazy. Catchy song though! lol

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

  • I feel like an untouchable.. and not in a strong way.

    I think I'm tired of being me all the time. I don't feel like I'm someone I would like much if I met myself. I'm tired of my incessant smiling and laughing. I mean it's not a bad thing, but at the same time is it weird to feel like it's holding me back? It's a natural thing for me and I'm not forcing it, but that's why it's almost annoying to me sometimes. Too happy around other people? I guess that's why I want to spend more time alone on purpose. I want to get away for this reason. Isolation, quiet, just me and my thoughts. Desert quiet.

    I don't know if I wrote this before or if anyone has already thought this before about me, but I think I'm actually pretty emo on the inside, don't you think? Behind the smiles and the laughter and obnoxious loudness..

    I think I'm in a very selfish place in my life right now. I'm all about what's wrong with me. I don't think I know how to be a good friend. I know how to be nice, but that's not the same thing. I don't know why I'm so.. bad at being a real friend. I feel like a lot of the time I can't be the friend that others need and want. I can't even be the friend I want to be. I don't know how. Most of the time I just want to be left alone when I'm at home. I'm finding myself less and less interested in making polite conversation online. Actually.. I don't know. It just depends on if I'm in the mood to be typing to someone. Last night my brother was at someone else's house talking to me and... just blew him off, told him I didn't want to talk anymore. I feel bad, but I really wasn't in the mood. I think there were other reasons, but yeah.

    In all my relationships I either have or give one thing or the other. I don't think I've ever had a relationship where I could be everything at once, give all sides of me to one person or even just a bit more than usual. Each person gets a certain side of me. I feel like in every relationship I have, including family, I give only 60% of myself. Which part(s) of me and how the 60% is allocated can vary per person, but in any case it's always only 60%. For whatever reason it's like I won't or can't allow myself to let go of that last 40%. I don't know if that makes sense at all. I think I find that with strangers or with people I barely know who don't seem creepy or psychotic.. I can be more open with myself and I don't hold back any certain part of me so much. Maybe they get like.. 10% more. haha.. I dernooo... I don't get myself.

    I don't really know what I'm doing. I think I'm just making excuses for myself actually.. or I've managed to convince myself that what I need really is what I NEED as opposed to really, really, really want.

    Sorry this is just a bunch of unconnected thoughts. Well, they sorta connect as in all of it combined is making me feel what I feel right now. Maybe it's just emo PMS. lol.. I really do feel like I've been acting and feeling a bit more crazy in the last week.

    I'm finding myself easily irritated this week and it's only Tuesday. It has to be PMS. Oyy... just lovely ain't it? Actually, I don't know if this is the PMS talking too, but I kind of want to just piss everyone off so they will let me go. I think I may be bi-polar. lol.... AHHHH... why am I so freakin' weird in the head these days???

    I wish I could take a break from EVERYTHING. Is it possible to take half a year off work and come back to the same job? I feel like I only have two choices: just do it, all of it, get it over with and not worry about the consequences, or wait it out till the craziness subsides. Both seem impossible to do at the moment though.

    I write too much at work, I know. lol... I need real work to do so I don't have time to dwell on my thoughts. My goodness, if I have this many thoughts while at work I'd probably really go insane if I were left in a desert alone.


    Pictures from the concert below. Yes, there are a lot of Missy pictures.



    Jerllin called it best, "Missy withdrawal". I guess we're both going through it right now. I'm glad it's not just me. I've never been so blown away by a concert/performance before and never felt so attached. It's so sad. If I had money I might actually consider just dropping everything and just following her to her small venue shows and maybe one big one. There were actually some girls on line in front of us who talked about going to her shows across the country and such. I thought it was insane, and I still kind of do, but I understand the impulse, it's just that they actually do it from time to time.

    Withdrawal of any kind just sucks, however stupid it may be. I'm actually just watching/listening to the playlist of the concert I made on youtube. It's as close to reliving the night as I can get from work, lol, but it's a far, far cry from the real thing.

Monday, October 06, 2008

  • I uploaded all my videos except an incomplete one from the Missy Higgins concert with Joshua Radin supporting that Jerllin and I went to this past Saturday out in Harrisburg, PA. I'm sorry, but that place was a little wacky and almost creepy. They had this weird sound that kept going off whenever the crossing sign changed. It was so annoying. For a state capitol it was kind of deserted, and on a Saturday too! Although at night there were more people inside the restaurants and bars. 98% of the stores were closed, even Starbucks!! And the one that was open closed really early. lol

    So click on the image below to checkout the videos first or CLICK HERE to just start watching/listening to the whole playlist on auto-pilot.



    It may be a while till I can see Missy in concert again, but she is really amazing live so the next time she's around I'll definitely try to go again. I really liked the intimate venue too. Not crowded and rowdy and no drunk people. haha

    Pictures. Well, I guess I'll post a few up when I get home. It's just a handful of Josh and a lot of Missy looking pretty much the same so I'll just pick out some.


    When did the Facebook login page start looking like this?



    I almost never have to see this page so it was a shock to me this morning.

  • I don't feel like doing anything.

    You ever want something so bad that you think it just has to happen? Like it would be logical for it to happen because, otherwise, why would God let you want it so bad? If not, then it all just feels like a cruel joke and leaves you feeling broken. I mean I don't really believe deep down that it should be like that, but it does feel kind of more logical to me. There have only been a couple times in my life where I have really felt this way about something, that something felt so right it would just be unfathomable if it did not happen. Actually, no, maybe just two including right now.

    On the other hand, there's always the saying: "Be careful what you wish for. It just might happen."

    The truth is the first time I felt this way I'm glad I didn't get what I wanted and thought was so right. I know God knows better, so maybe it's just another time I just need to go through it all again until it becomes the past. It's still tough though and almost seems cruel.

    IDK...

Friday, October 03, 2008

  • I think no matter how hardcore a christian you appear, believe and think you are.. there's still a very human side of you and to deny that is just.. rubbish. In a way it's cool, but like.. those people who can only talk about God and spiritual things... kind of annoy me. I mean I like talking about those things, but that's when even I'm like... gosh, if all christians are like this.. then we'd really be boring. Not boring because of the topic itself, but because that's all there is and you don't really do anything else.

    I mean if that's truly how you are and you're not just suppressing your own true self, then that's fine. It's just that sometimes I think people try too hard. "Own true self" not meaning giving into sinful desires and nature.. but just being the person you innately are, as unique as God created you to be.

  • I am confused. I am in this heightened emotional state. I haven't watched a chick flick in a long time and I just watched Made of Honor. Listening to Stolen by Dashboard Confessional makes me tear on the outside and cry on the inside.

    You have stolen my heart...

    Is it possible to love without knowing the object of your love? These are the only words that make sense to me right now.

    I feel like getting into my car at this very moment and just driving away with this song on repeat. That's all I have to say.

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