i have a new xanga.. not gonna use this one anymore.. i have retired the babiebubblez... buh bye babiebubblez03!

UGH. I'm so confused. You know, I dont want to let go of donnie.. its hard. But it seems like that's what i'm gonna have to do. Things were bad this weekend. I thought we could deal with this, but we almost fully broke up on Friday. But he spent the night then saturday I proposed an idea to him.. that he said he would take into consideration. Then we kinda acted like nothing was wrong that night.. then he went home and I visited him sunday night while he was at work. Now for today. Its so confusing because he doesnt want to let go either, and I can tell.. but I know that what he wants contradicts with what he thinks he wants?! If that makes any sense. Who knew that this would happen to us!? We were perfect.. no doubt about it. I keep trying to make stupid excuses as to why he wants to leave. Like maybe it would be easier if he would just treat me like shit. Maybe it would be easier if he would just tell me that he cheated on me. BUT HE DIDN'T AND WOULDN'T. And thats even worse. Because he's this perfect guy... and ugh. Last night I was thinking that maybe if I just let go it would be easier? Maybe if I just said, "okay, no need to think any longer because I know waht you need and it isnt a girlfriend right now." Ya know? But i cant. I've been so stressed about this that I cant even eat. I have this sick feeling in my stomache. And even though things arent that bad right at the moment, like we still talk and we are still together, but the thought that he could be gone within the next few days is just so upsetting. I hurt. It's like i'm losing part of myself or something. At one time he told me that he was picky and that I'm the only girl he's found that meets all of his qualities he wants in a girl.... but if that was true then why would he walk away? Ugh.. kharma is back to bite me in the ass... thats what it is. I will blame it on Kharma! lol. Gosh. I dunno what to do. I want to let go, but i can't. Like for thanksgiving, i'm supposed to be going over there.. and he said he wanted me to.. I mean, I'm his girlfriend.. I should go over there. But I dunno if i can. I want to... but I dont all at the same time. I'm so torn between emotions and it sucks so bad. I'm lost. I'm confused. And its not like i'm just losing a boyfriend.. i'm losing the only thing that has been there for me since i got here. I dunno what to do. I dont wanna be here anymore. I mean, in texas. I do, because I have a pretty good job and if I fullfill my one year then I will be able to get a job somewhere else making a whole hell of a lot more money. But its hard not to give up... really hard. I wish it was easier than this. I keep thinking that there is really no one else out there like him.. noone else who wants the same thing out of a girl as he does. Most guys just want someone to sleep around with.. but he doesnt. I'm afraid of losing him. I wish I could just rewind and redo the past few days. I keep blaming myself... over and over again. Sa tells me that its not my fault. But it is... it has to be. Or maybe I shouldnt blame anyone or anything. Maybe if I just tell myself what I tell everyone else... that there really is someone else out there. But the vision that donnie is the only one that i want and can have just wont leave my mind. And all the fun times that donnie and i have had over the past 6 months just keep replaying and replaying like a stupid broken record. I cant eat.. I cant sleep. I took benedryl last night just to sleep... granted I really cant ever sleep, but I was WIDE AWAKE last night. I'm a very strong person, but this is hard. I dont know what to do. The more he stays in my life with the thought of him leaving.. the more its gonna hurt when he leaves. I'm trying to make myself think that i can do it.. that i can let go and move on.. but i cant. Everytime I see him, everytime I even freakin smell him.. the memories of the past 6 months just keep coming back. All the things that hes said and done have just been so wonderful. GR. i dunno. Well it sucks even more because my dad is back doing drugs again. I blame that on adam because had adam not screwed me over then my life would be fine and dandy... financially. But thats another story. So, my dads life is well near over because of all of the shit he's going through.. so hes resorted to doing drugs.. again. I yelled at him last night for it... but it doesnt help. He's hopeless. I dont understand why he would do that to himself AND me. I'm stuck in this really bad position. Sa was talking on saturday night about how family is really important to her, that no matter where you are, you should always have someone to run to and know who you are running to... so family should always be there for you... the sad thing is, my family isn't. So, who do i run to?! I run to noone, because no one is there. Well, donnie is there... and always has been for 6 months... but doesnt look like thats gonna go on for very much longer. So, who do i run to now?! TIFFI! HELP! lol. Maybe I will move to washington with tiffi... I mean, heck, whats my loss right?! NOTHING. lol. I would make more there right?! but dont think that would work without a car. lol. Gr, i want to make this sick feeling in my stomach go away. but it doesn't. Donnie is at my apartment right now. He came over after his shift at harris county... then he is gonna go to Monkey county.. then come over after he gets off tonight. I know i want him to come over... but it hurts all at the same time. When he kisses me good bye or good night, i still feel the same as I always did whenever he would kiss me. But this time it hurts. I just want to go home right now and cuddle with him and be with him. He said last night that maybe everything is stressin him out so much because he hasnt actually had a day to relax.. he;s been working and going to class so much that its got him so wound up. That gave me a lil hope. and maybe he's right.. maybe we're both really stressed because we havent had a day to ourselves?! I had this weekend.. kinda. But that didnt work because all I did was think. Blah. This would be easier if I had more friends here for back-up and support. But I dont... I have one friend who helps me.. but she too is going through a lot. So, it doesnt really work as well as having a big group of friends to run to ya know? I mean, I have friends.. but they are all far apart.. in different states. I'm stuck here in houston... with no one. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason... and donnie was my reason. The more I write this.. the more i think... but i cant stop writing because if I do.. I just stare and think some more. But i'm not even solving anything. I'm waiting on donnie to make a decision. Just like 2 weeks ago we had the conversation about breaking up becuase of lack of time.. and he sat there and said that he didnt want to lose me!! He would have done anything to keep me in his life. What has changed?!?! I just feel so hopeless. I dont feel like i'm getting ANYWHERE! Alright, well i'm done.. becuase you people get the hint that I dont want donnie to leave me.. and i have to go write up a packing list.. so i shall talk to you guys later!! BUH BYE

well... donnie and I talked last night. Wasn't the greatest talk in the world.. lotsa tears. We sat back and looked at reality.. that he doesnt have time for a girlfriend. He said that he feels bad for me because I never get to see him. But thats not what I'm even worried about. The hard thing is.. i cant let him go. I'm scared... he's the best thing in my life... he's helped me through so much shit. I dont think i could have done it without him. He's never hurt me in anyway... and he's always been the one that i've run to. But I think this is it... I think he wants to end it... due to time of course. He spent the night last night though.. and everything is still at my apartment. But that could end soon. I dont want this issue of him not having time for me to get in the way. He told me last night that he has never loved anyone before.. and I just lost it. He is so wonderful... and I dont want to lose the best thing in my life. Granted, time will be constrained for a year and a half.. but you know.. he's so freakin worth it. It's hard to tell him all of this because we wont get to see each for a while.. and you cant really tell someone this stuff on the phone. Plus, he seems like its hard for him to talk to me. I dont know what is gonna happen. I mean, we were between thoughts last night before he left to get his paramedic uniform from work. Then he came back and he was so tired that he feel asleep soon after he got here. You know.. i've been through some shit... but this could be harder than losing eric. And I was with eric for a year and a half. So, lord knows Donnie has got to be something special. I mean, I lived with a guy and the only reason why I cried is because I wasnt gonna be able to make it on my own. I had already left him in my heart.. so it def. wasnt hard to lose him... but he hurt me.. so that also made it ten times better. Donnie hasnt hurt me in any way. I mean, we're going on 7 months and we've had ONE fight. Maybe Sa was right.. maybe there is some sort of 6 month contract. God, I'm sitting here at work trying to pretend like I'm working and I'm about to cry. It's hard to watch the person that makes you smile through ANYTHING walk away... but not only that.. its even harder to pretend that you dont care. I tried that.. that fell apart as well. I tried to stay strong for his sake because i didnt want it to be even worse.. but i went downhill... then I just started thinking about how i'm about to lose someone who i never imagined losing. I mean, this was a problem for a while... but we kept setting it on the back burner... so now its come to this. I'm willing to set back and let him do his thing.. but I dont want to lose him. The hardest part is that i cant tell him any of this right now.. and its driving me insane.  I called him at 8 and he said that he would call me back after they ate breakfast. It's 9 now. I hate sitting here thinking about all of this. I generally like to voice my opinion the second I get the thought in my head instead of pondering on the idea and making crazy thoughts and accusations. So, I hate sitting here... because then I become a girl. GAH. I dont wanna call him again though because I dont wanna drive him insane. Hm.. catch twenty-two.. my life is full of those. I just want to tell him that we should try it once more. I mean, there are ways that we can work around the rough situation. Here soon i'm getting a car (i've said that for forever now..) but I am really gonna get a car soon. Which then means I'm getting a second job. Cant have a car without a second job. Which means more time that I will be out instead of sitting at home. Then I can go ahead and get a computer. Actually I could probably get one right now. But I need a car as well. Then if I have a computer, he can do his business stuff at my apartment. Blah. I dunno. I'm so confused. Hm.. Dawnie confused.. nothing new there. For crying out loud.. I mean, his birthday and thanksgiving are next week. What a horrible month. I mean, its been so crazy. I'm ready for it to end.. the month that is. I just want to go curl up in my warm bed.. and do nothing. But i have... 7 more hours before I can do that. UGH. I hate hurting. It sucks. Especially when it has nothing to do with someone else