so, it's already thursday, december 15, 2005.  where did the time fly away to?  it feels as if the semester started just a couple weeks ago, when in fact it's just about finished.  i've come across so many people, made so many memories, and simply learned so much about myself and the world around me -- through good times and bad.  so why is it that instead of progressing and moving on in so many aspects of my life, i feel like i'm digressing and letting myself fall victim to this naivete that slowly but surely drags people into this state of oblivion.  am i making sense?  i feel like i am, but it's just so strange to me.  why is that i've been so willing to make do of whatever comes at me since i've been in philly?  am i really just that understanding?  i didn't think i was 'til i actually got here.  back home, everything was just different.  i think things just were on a whole 'notha level there.  either that, or the time on my own, here in philly, has actually given me a chance to grow.

how do i know this?  the simple fact that i was not exactly the strongest person emotionally.  i started off strong, but if you figured me out, it was all downhill from there.  if i held you dear to my heart, i would do whatever possible to make you happy.  if you messed up, i was always willing to pick up the pieces and start fresh.  but, when it came to actual feelings, i just could not be alone.  maybe i was just petrified of the thought of not having a "real" love in my life.  (sorry for the deepness but...) was it that i could never really call my house a home?  i mean, my mother was always at work, and i, well, i was always out, or inside with this circle of friends who shared a common goal -- to get lifted and be amazed.  i think it's cause when it happened, there was no care in the world.  life seemed so simple and great for that moment in time.  but outside of that picture, i wasn't too sure about where i was in life.  looking back, i think that i relied too much on pleasing a certain individual, that i didn't find time to make myself happy.  i found "happiness" on making this person happy, cause apparently bringing this person all types of happiness brought me mine.  and boooy, was i fooling myself.  i felt my worth, confidence and character slipping.  i was all about sacrifices, and i made some unhealthy ones.  one of which i performed repeatedly, and one of which i needed to get away from.

so that's where my move to philly being a smart one, comes into play.  it was a fresh start.  new people, new surroundings, new occurances.  i could find my place again.  bring myself up.  make myself smarter.  build up my almost depleted confidence, yet again.  AND i have.  everything that has happened to me in philly so far has been great.  i've come across some amazing people who i know are actually looking out for me, and i'm glad i have.  they've tested me mentally, emotionally, socially, as well as physically, and i'm so grateful.  i've started to learn to really take all of life's trials and tribulations one step at a time.  i've learned to deal with issues that once used to break me down.  i've learned to deal with all sorts of people.  and most of all, i've learned more about how to simply be myself and be happy.

and boy, i do think that was the greatest lesson of all.

good [EDIT 031505]

well let's see.  my lovely readers, my life hasn't been the best at all lately.  but i'm sure you already knew that by now.  it just kinda sucks when you think the ones you can "trust" are the ones that you shouldn't, and those that you hardly, if ever, acknowledge are the ones you should.  stubborn as i am, i've finally come to realize many things i've done that i shouldn't have, and vice versa.  however, i'm not one to regret things like that, because i definitely have learned that everything happens for a reason.

with that frame of mind, i've noticed that the past - no matter how ugly or great - should be looked on as a continuous learning experience.  at one point in your life, you'll be at the right place at the right time.  at another, you'll be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  you'll come across love & hate, happiness & sadness, winning & losing, the high & the low, the best & the worst.  either way, never congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.  remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults.  find that hard? so does everyone else around you.  find and experience love.  cherish it.  it's a great feeling.  let it go if you have to.  find hate.  see how it feels.  let it go before it consumes you.  don't be wreckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with those who are wreckless with yours.  it's funny how i said that, but learn to get over things.  really learn to move on and get on with your life.  know when enough is enough.  it's not the end of the world until it really is.  accept the truth.  realize your faults.  deal with the hand you're dealt.  learn to forgive, but never forget.  it's impossible.  it's called denial.  don't put someone else in charge of your happiness.  only you can make yourself happy.  overcome your fears.  do one thing everyday that scares you.  the things you fear the most have already happened to you.  don't waste your time on jealousy.  sometimes you're ahead.  sometimes you're behind.  in the end, it won't even matter.  don't let that green eyed monster consume you.  enjoy your body.  find that place where you feel comfortable to be yourself.  learn to trust yourself.   fight for what you believe in.  make decisions.  you're choices are half-chance.  so are everybody else's.  dream.  never say never.  reach for your goals.  do what you're good at.  do what you're bad at.  do your best.  have fun.  don't be too serious.  live your life to the fullest.  use what you've been given.  find the spotlight at least once in your life - it's exhilarating.  take chances.  take the opportunities that you come across.  that same opportunity may never occur again. when times are hard, be patient with those who supply advice, but be careful whose advice you actually use.  basically, be careful who you trust.  catch up with old friends. make new ones.  try to build bridges, not burn them, but know that friends can come and go.  sometimes, it's necessary.  even those that you've known all your life might not be who they really seem.  with that, keep your friends close.  keep your enemies even closer.  act naive once in a while.  you'll learn quite a lot about the people around you.  ask a lot of questions.  you may be surprised by the answers you get.  if people don't ask, don't tell.  learn to keep secrets.  knowing something other's don't will make life interesting.  be aware of what goes on around you, but don't assume certain things.  assumptions usually get people into trouble.  things aren't really what they seem sometime.  don't waste your time.  you'll never have that same moment ever again.  try to spend time with others once in a while.  watch a good movie.  listen to good music.  have inside jokes.  they are guaranteed to make you laugh.  enjoy the wonders of life and nature.  travel.  be adventurous.  explore the world around you. it's refreshing to get away from what you're used to seeing all the time.  sing.  dance.  draw.  paint.  play a sport.  try something new.  who cares if you're good at it or not.  have fun.  express your feelings.  you'll feel a lot better.  read horoscopes at the end of the day rather than at the beginning so that you don't subconsiously make it come true.  you may realize how accurate horoscopes can really be sometimes.  smile.  it'll make everyone wonder what you're thinking.  it may make a difference in someone's life.  laugh.  it's life's best medicine.  hold your head up high.  even if you're down, you'll feel better about yourself.  seek happiness.  sometimes it's all in your head.  keep other people on their toes.  don't regret anything.  find time for yourself.  contemplate.  remember those who've made an impact on your life.  thank them.  look back at all your memories.  they are what make you who you are.  live your life.  get the most out of it.  expect the unexpected.  it may change your life.

wow, okay, long entry.  love it or hate it.  doesn't really matter to me.  it's not like you'll say it to my face anyway.  hey, if you can, then kudos to you.  you're one of the few who can actually do that.  whatever.  things may be added to this when needed. 

so yeeees, i decided to leave this entry here for ya'll to take in.   minor edits here and there, but it's basically the same as it was when i originally posted it on 021505. 

sooo yes, in addition to what is written up there, you all should really take the time to realize the opportunities that come your way.  dig deeper than the surface.  really pay attention to those around you.  you may not realize how important one can be until you really give the time to find out.  learn to accept people for who they really are.  i mean, opportunities are around every corner, you just have to be open to them.  ladies and gentlemen, live life to the fullest.  don't take life for granted.  no one is guaranteed to see tomorrow or even the next minute.  be grateful for what you have.  hey, even be thankful for what you don't.  enjoy the good moments that are given to you.  hell, enjoy the bad ones as well.  they all can make or break you.  they make you who you are.  your decisions are important.  never make decisions when you're mad, sad, or aggravated.  later on you may wish to take them back.  don't assume either.  assumptions without consultations can kill.

[edit 081305:] so here i am.  i reread what i wrote up there and it was definitely a refresher.  however, i have some things to add, so here i go:

never make someone a priority if you are only an option.  a "no" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "yes" merely uttered to please.  time enjoyed wasting is not wasted time.  never apologize when you show feeling, when you do so, you apologize for truth.  judge a man by his questions, not by his answers.  what people say, what people do, and what people say they do are entirely different things.  change is good, but only when it's for yourself.  and simply, CARPE DIEM.  [/edit]