Somebody (Part One)

How is it that I live in such a big city, constantly surrounded by moving bodies, and feel so alone? Well, it's not exactly that I feel alone. I'm lonely. I think there's a difference. I have God, and my friends, and my family. So I'm not alone. But I feel so detached from everyone. I walk down the streets and everything's pulsing. Everyone looks so alive, all coupled up and laughing, glowing under street lamps. I feel like I'm missing out on something. Like my hands are useless if they're not being held and my smile means nothing if it's not beaming at someone else.

I know I write about this feeling a lot, but it's just one of the most difficult things to shake. I used to be so independent. It's as if I've tasted love, rubbed a bit of it on my gums, and am now addicted.

More and more often I imagine what it'd be like if I just moved to Texas and married Patrick. Forget what I have here and live a secluded life, just me and him. At night, I miss the way it felt lying in his bed, in his arms. It was so simple. And I was perfectly content. It'd be so easy if all of me wanted that. As much as I love him, I'm too confused and silly and young to just make a huge decision like that.

So I'm trapped in the middle of true love and true loneliness. It kills me.

I'm tired of hearing people tell me that I'm gorgeous and funny and sweet and smart and talented and can have whoever I want. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and repeating these things people tell me. I know I'm a great person and I have a lot of respect for myself.

But, I can't help but think, "If all these things are true....why the hell am I spending all my time alone?"

I feel like I'm wasting my youth or something. I'm only going to be 18 once. I sure as hell don't want to look back and not remember anything special about my eighteenth year on this planet.

I pray for God to give me patience because I'm torturing myself without it.

Possible Facebook Statuses

Kayla...

Is facing forward for once

Really wants a kitty

Is impressed with herself for impressing the director of the runway show she'll be in this December

Is killing in school, which makes her a little anxious because she wonders if it's supposed to be this easy

Hasn't caught her biannual change-of-seasons cold yet :)

Is tired of hearing people who didn't vote complain about the election results

Is growing up

Is going to start a short exercise routine scheduled for 6pm to see if it'll improve her sleeping habits

Misses her siblings

Is planning an It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Marathon for next Friday and is excited to meet the people who plan to attend

Prays a lot

Spends too much money on food (But I always justify it when it's Panera because...it's Panera)

Will be babysitting these next two days (Yes! Cash in hand at the end of the day!)

Has a Lady Gaga disco ball keychain. Jealous? You should be

Has a swollen left eyelid. (Maybe it's time buy new mascara...)

Doesn't care what you think

Has been drinking a lot of Chamomile tea lately

Is reading Tweak by Nic Sheff and loving it

Really wants Analeigh to win America's Next Top Model

Is dying to flip off every greasy hispanic guy who stares at me and smiles while I walk down the street

Loves her xanga and all who leave comments

Is pmsing. Booo.

Is writing a cultural analysis paper on Miley Cyrus and how she is unknowingly corrupting young girls

Has her hair up in a bun, bangs pulled back. It's been a while since she's seen her forehead

Really needs internet at home but actually doesn't mind spending time at the local library

Is comtemplating a career in fashion. She loves it too much to ignore the fact

Is gonna go home, eat, and watch Garden State

Wants her very own Lloyd Dobler but is willing to be patient

Is okay with things the way the are right now and that's all that matters.

Doing The Deed

I'm voting.

For Obama.

It's a conscious choice.

Not to follow a crowd.

I've had my mind made up for a pretty long time.

I've done my research.

I'm not an idiot.

I'm not an idiot.

I'm not an idiot.

I have a fucking brain and I'm using it.

I have intuition and I'm following it.

I've prayed about this with everything in me.

If you think I'm a heathen, so be it.

If you think I'm a loser who's been swayed, so be it. (I did say something like that in my last post so I guess I can't blame you.)

Yes, I've realized that the truly loser-ish thing to do would be not to vote.

Later, boners.

Loser

It seems like a lot of people I love and/or respect are McCain supporters. I am not. From the very beginning, I've supported Obama. I don't trust McCain. Simple as that.

But now I feel like a fool.

First of all, I don't even think I should be voting. I've lived in this country 18 years and only know the straight up basics when it comes to history and government. I barely know how voting, campaigning and bla bla bla works. I'd much rather watch Gossip Girl than a presidential debate. So who am I to choose the next president?

Second, I'm doubting my confidence in Obama. (See the first sentence of this post).

I've always been pretty intuitive and I always screw myself over by not trusting my insticts and going with whatever someone else tells me, only to have them say, "You were right" in the end. I don't want that to happen all my life. Obama just feels right to me. If I could explain, I would. Seeing McCain as our next president brings about the same feelings I experience when walking down the street all alone with a suspicious man behind me. It's unsettling. I know that sounds silly. That's why I feel like choosing Obama is silly. People very close to me are saying that it is.

And I'm a loser who is easily swayed.

So I think I will stay home on election day. Here I am, wearing a white tee that says "Vote" in big, bold letters and I don't have the guts to do so. I'm a stupid teenager who just can't take the pressure.

Unemployed Bastard

Dennis: Get a job!

Charlie: Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I just strap on my job helmet, squeeze down into my job cannon and fire off into Jobland where Jobs grow on Jobbies!!

- It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Ugh. Is it so much to ask for? Will no one in the wonderful, thriving city I live in hire me?

No love. No love for in the inexpierenced 18-year-old with limited skills.

I need to start kicking some doors down. Shove my talents in somebody's face because, dammit, I will be somebody. And I'll make some cash too.

"Who are you? I step on you. I step on you and then I clean you off my shoes at night. And then I throw that shoe away and that shoe that I just threw away is worth more than your worthless little life, mister. And I'm pissed because I loved that shoe, you dirt. You piece of sub-human shit. I'm gonna have you fired, dickhole.Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea? Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? IS THERE ANY KIND OF THOUGHT ROAMING AROUND IN THAT THICK-SHIT SKULL OF YOURS?"

- Sweet Dee (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)

Haha. Ok, I'm done.