Currently Listening We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things By Jason Mraz lucky see related

My own worst enemy...

Played hooky today... decided on saturday while i was at work staring at yet another discharge summary... thought to myself 'F*** it, i need a day off before i jam this damn needle in my eye'. Called my supervisor, told him i had a family matter to attend to and got Monday off. Got my friend to cover me on Sunday which meant i had 2 whole days off and half of saturday (which was spent sleeping so essentially its only 2days).

turned out to probably be the worst decision yet, or maybe the best. I'm not sure yet. I'm going thru one of those moments, the wave that comes every so often, though it hasnt been around for a while... The wave that comes and just makes u hate yourself so much that u start to hyperventilate and finally u just cant breathe. Funny how this wave usually coincides with that time of month. Its amazing how this damn hormones swimming inside us can magically give us the ability and the insight to see how crap our life really is and rubs your face in it.

Discontent. I hate my life right now, no matter how much i remind myself of how much I have to be grateful for, its never enough. I hate my job, not the job really, just this current department i'm in cuz i feel like i'm not making a difference. I wana do more. I wana make a difference and not see the same damn patients over and over again with the same damn problems because they're to stupid to realize that they're slowly killing themselves. Stop f**king wasting my time if ur not gonna listen to what we have to tell u.

I spent the day with myself, hoping some retail therapy would make me feel a little better. thought that maybe some shiny brand new CD's cld make me feel better, if only just for a while. Jason Mraz made me breathe slower, calmer, though some songs made me wana puke and others just served to remind me of things i dont have. I also bought John Mayer and James Morrison, who I listen to when this wave usually strikes, because though they make me feel more depressed, I do find comfort because I feel less alone. Is that stupid? Probably. I'm going out of my f**kin mind. I actually already have John Mayer and James Morrison, but its been played over and over and its dying.. wasn't an original CD anyway... I liked the John Mayer cover for Continuum... which is why i bought it. Shiny new CD's are always better than the fake kind.

I also bought a shirt from Marks and Sparks... St Michael cookies that costs nearly 20 bucks but what the hell.. thats what retail therapy's all about... fruity burner oil to make my room smell nice and 2 books - 2 brand new books which i have every intention to read but only God knows when thats gonna happen since i barely have time for anything anymore. Its the thought that counts.

Spent the rest of the day watching 1) Made of Honor. Patrick Dempsey is yummy. It was a nice feel good movie initially but subsequently only served to remind me of what I dont have. 2) Wanted. Well. That was that. Action movies rarely make u think. Its near the end of the day and well, I dont really feel any better... I feel worse if thats possible. Meeting up with my friends for dinner, which I think might be a Godsend. They wont understand (will they?)... they'll probably feel sorry for me, which is not what i want but then I dont know what I want. I just know I want more. Now i sound like a spoilt brat. But going out with them means I wont sit around and feel sorry for myself and hate myself.

Truth is... THE truth is... I feel this way because of him. Not him per se but rather what he represents. Not just him, everythings playing a part and its all thrown together with a big bang. But him, he makes me lie to myself, he makes me keep everything inside brewing until its time to explode. Patrick Dempsey struck a cord in me when he said all that crap about lying to himself.

You know, in a different life, you and I could have been together forever. But instead, instead this is where I am. Stuck in a so called relationship thats not meant to go anywhere. U asked me if I would miss u if u weren't here, and coolly i said, well, yea... probably. Then u asked me if I was emotionally attached to u cuz well, we both agreed didnt we that nothing can happen and this would probably only go on as long as we both understand that this is nothing more than fooling around cuz it wont go anywhere and the moment it becomes more, someones gonna get hurt. And nonchalantly (I wish, maybe I was too quick to say) I said of course not. And at the exact moment I heard a voice inside my head saying 'LIAR!'. i wonder whose voice that was. I wish it would just go away.

I do understand. I do. I've gone through each and every step of grieving since that night u left, every step. I've cried until my tears had dried. And I have accepted. Thats the final step no? I've accepted. I know we cant be together. I know nothing will happen. I'm an adult, I know what I'm doing (most of the time). But i think I've gotten myself emotionally attached again. I do love u. Its hard to un-love someone without good reason. But I'm not in love with you. I know we cant be together. I have no expectations. But i've gotten used to having u in my life that I dont know how to go about it without u. U keep me sane, u listen to me talk crap and bitch about my job, and u always make me feel good about myself. I dont know what I would do without u. THATS the truth. the truth which I never stop long enough to admit to myself. I've been lying to myself. So many lines we're not supposed to cross, so many cautions to keep track of thats all become a blur.

I want more. I want something with someone thats got a chance of ending up somewhere. I wana stop living in the 'now'. Ur not good for me, because I'm comfortable with u in my life and its keeping me from moving on. It gives me something to fall back on cuz I know ur there for me. But I cant bring myself to walk away. That strong independent person I used to be disappeared when I met u because u taught me that i didnt need to be strong and independent because we would share the load. Now... Now ur still here but at the same time ur not here and I hate that.

I want more. I need more. I think I know what I have to do... but I would miss u too much. Cuz u keep me sane... and somewhere along the way u became my best friend. And I cant find that strong independent person anymore.

Currently Listening The Black Parade By My Chemical Romance see related

My Chemical Romance Kuala Lumpur

I have 2 pieces of Wrigleys Doublemint chewing gum thats been on my desk since the last time I saw him.  I see it at the corner of my eye everyday as I sit in front of my computer. Day after day I pretend its not there. I dont really want to touch it. I dont want to eat it. I dont want to keep it. I can't bring myself to throw it away. 

It reminds me of him. Of the last time I saw him. I see his face in my mind, I remember the expression on his face as he reached for it... comfortable, like we've been together forever... the way people look when they know that they dont have to ask because nothing is either 'yours' or 'mine' anymore... its 'ours'. I remember staring at him, him unaware, smiling to myself thinking this is it... this is the One. Looking at the gum makes me miss having him in my life. I cant really move on no matter how much I try to make myself believe that I have. He is that gum.

The last 48 hours have been really fukd up. Like things are too heavy for me to carry anymore and i cant move forward. All I wanted to do was run far far away as the tears came. And all I cld think of was how much I wish I cld talk to him. I need to talk to someone but he's the only one I want to talk to. But I know if I call him he'll say something stupid like he misses me and all the progress I've been holding on to will be blown away. I'm missing him so much today its painful. When will this stop? When is my crazy head going to stop relating that damn piece of freakin gum to him?