I've come to the realization that it's okay to be an old woman at the age of 22.

I've also come to realize that I'm a very opinionated person; though, I'd like to think I'm not one of those people who pushes their opinions on you and holds them above all others. I also realize that this is an important sign that I am more myself than I have ever been.

And, after a wonderful evening with the gals, I also now realize that I am surrounded by amazing people who love me for being exactly who I am.

Could a girl be any luckier?
<3

_______________________________________

Girl's Lament

In the years when we were
all children, this inclining
to be alone so much was gentle;
others' time passed fighting,
and one had one's faction,
one's near, one's far-off place,
a path, an animal, a picture.

And I still imagined, that life
would always keep providing
for one to dwell on things within,
Am I within myself not in what's greatest?
Shall what's mine no longer soothe
and understand me as a child?

Suddenly I'm as if cast out,
and this solitude surrounds me
as something vast and unbounded,
when my feeling, standing on the hills
of my breasts, cries out for wings
or for an end.

--Rilke

i feel bored.
is this what life is about?

..don't get me wrong: i LOVE being in control of my entire day- when i wake up, what i eat/what hour i eat, when to take a shower, if i want to paint, run, read, or shop...no commitments.

this past year, full circle from june '07 to june '08, was...crazy. indescribable. unimaginable. hard. happy.
but i find myself




here.





in all this white space.

In spite of its corny-ness...I feel very sentimental, and ultimately very empowered by the girls I could not imagine having never known. No, I'm not talking about the several amazing girls I call my best gal-pals. I'm talking about Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda. Their cliche lives and generalized personalities may be very Hollywood, err, I mean, New York, but their stories have some touching, moving, and memorable morals.

I walked back into my apartment, having been gone off and on for the last several weeks. It was quiet and dimly lit, and smelled like magnolias, with a hint of historic wooden walls and flooring. This place I have called home for a year. Hard to believe...

In the past year I have changed so much. I have lost and gained in a multitude of ways. I have dreamed. I have cried. I have felt the pit of disparity. I have felt overwhelming confidence and accomplishment. I have loved and have been loved. I have moved mountains and had mountains moved in me. And the one thing that I seem to have forgotten is most valuable...is Me.

Carrie reminded me to be true to myself; to not get caught up in the big show, in dreams, in extravagance, ideas, perfection, desire, emotion....
but to remember what I stand for and who I am. To do what I am called to do. To live life simply, and enjoy the beauty.

It's easy to create a guideline, a pathway, to the end goal; a step-by-step procedure based on logic and reasoning, and formulas that have worked for others in the past. But life is so different than that. Sameness is not living. Mediocrity is not experiencing. To go through life following someone else's "guidelines to success" defies our very existence. We were created- each of us- unique. We think different from one to the next; even logic itself is not always consistent. It's just a mean, an average, a suggestion.

All my life I've lived by guidelines. In spite of being 22, living on my own, and in a secure and long term relationship, to this day I am bound by them. Sure, there are reasons- like, Honor your father and mother, or, sex is for marriage. And these are good reasons. They wouldn't be rules if there wasn't a negative consequence to avoid. But when do I take the reins and determine my own path? And how do I do so and still hold true to religious or ethical expectations? Why do I have to follow the norm?

I've always said that if you feel something, then really feel it. If you love someone, say it. If you want to do big things, then dream big and follow through.

I'm trying to give myself a pep talk, some encouraging words to keep my passion strong and my eye on the goal. I want to live life. I don't want to be bound by rules, a job, money, obligations...

Carrie married Big in the end. They'd broken up multiple times; messed up in every way possible. Carrie made her living as a writer, paid by the word, for a column so taboo and so defining of our generation. Samantha broke up with her model boyfriend and celebrated her 50th birthday looking better than I ever will. But most importantly, she realized that she loved herself more than any idea or object, and that she was worth it all.