Wow I'm sorry, I haven't posted in so long.. My life has changed so much. I lost two friend who've been dear to me for so many years but I've gained such an awesome friend in Jeremy that I'd like to say it makes up for the two I lost, but I dunno. Honestly, Jer has been an amazing friend and I hope nothing happens to our friendship.

But anyway, I've been going to a lot of shows and concerts lately, and its jer's fault ;) haha.. I went to Warped Tour two weeks ago today adn that was absolutely wonderful.. I was in the Mosh pit with Jer & Sara during Senses Fail and My Chemical Romance.

I've seen MCR twice now, because on May 9 I went to the Green Day concert and MCR opened for them. Anyway, Jer got knocked out during MCR because we were right up front and the body surfers nearly knocked me out too. Warped Tour was fucking amazing, though.

Anyway yeah.. Haven't been up to much more. Its summer now, I'm starting to lose my senses and stuff I think. Last night I wrote poetry for over an hour, if you can call it poetry.. here it is:

Dont know really what to call this.. I wrote it over a couple hours, I was goign crazy.. most of its serious, but towards the end its just totally crazy stuff..haha.. and dude, I can't believe I'm posting this crazy shit straight fro my mind to you. haha. I couldn't punctuate some of it, afterwards, because I really don't remember writing some of this and that's crazy that I got that much into the zone. Damn I'm fucked up..

But anyway this is in-depth me-shit. So umm yeah dont expect to udnerstnad some of it.. or a lot of it. please comment though and let me know which mental disorder I have. Just kidding. I dont want to know what mental disorder I have. Just. Yeah.


Im alone here, I've got nothing.
I do?
No, indeed I don't
I'm alone
no one to call my own
no one really for me to talk to
no one really
and all I am,
is no one really
just a no one
a nothing
a speck on this earth
not worth a dime
in the grand scheme of things
but thats ok
isnt it?


I wish I had something
something to define my life
speaking poetically cannot hide things i feel
yet it cannot define
i cannot find what i want
i cannot see
confused and dazed,
as I am so often.
If only I could find a way,
a way to make things,
make sense.
but nothing makes sense
not even this.


I search for definition
I search for something real
I search for solace
for something for me to have
to hold
to love.
me:
without love
while the whole world seems,
to abound in it
I can't ignore this pressing feeling
I long for the touch of another
I long for something more
more than anything else.


Somethings wrong, i cant write poetically.
I'm trying to force something you cant force
but such is my life,
trying to force relationships into perfections.
perfections that are my imagination
and nothing more.
Selfish I am,
to want things so wonderfully my way,
Selfish I am,
to think anyone would care.
Why can't I have the attention of anyone else?
Why cant anyone love me?
Why can't my life be good?
Why do I need a guy to make my life complete?

This all seems so hopeless
so futile
so lifeless
I am.
I drag myself through these days
no purpose,
just alive.
No reason,
just alive.
No certainty
just alive.
Wanting things to happen,
that probably never will
I lack the courage,
the tolerance
the everything,
to make anything work.
Nothing works so wonderfully for me
so perfectly for me,
so lovely for me,
so wondeful.
If only.

I'm here I'm silently crying out
I try to be something,
I try too hard,
I'm at my end, not knowing what else I can do..

just stop trying.

I should.
theres no point to trying anymore.
I obviously cant get a guy, its so hopeless..

futile.

I'm not sure what to say anymore,
not sure how I can express myself,
how I can EXPLAIN myself.
If only explanations were unnecessary.
If only the world had intelligence.
I feel like one of a numbered few,
those that have intelligence and good sense
it seems to be faltering in this world
oblivion is ever nearer
and I dont know what to say to it.
the edge.
the end.
What to say.


Im so angry
I cant understand why.
I have this anger.
this untold anger.


Dream.....
I did!
Of something never before experienced.
I was held,
by another.
I was held.
made safe.
worry-less,
and safe.
it felt so grand
that I couldnt believe,
I indeed had to wake up;
to come back to this reality.
This harsh reality where I have no one
and my bitterness,
and self-pity,
grows pathetically by the day.
Im sure I'm killing myself slowly,
not being able to tolerate lonliness anymore.


I'm starved
im hungry
dying here by myself with no one to hear me or care
i feel hopeless and alone
im lost
and unfeeling
but i sense a whole world of feeling
out of reach, out of reach
beyond my desparate grasp
my selfish grasp,
my suicidal grasp,
i cant stand to be alone
so alone for so long
no one seems to understand
no one knows how this tears me up.
why I cant find someone
why I cant find anyone. And I feel so lame,
so pathetic,
so selfish to bring this up
im undeserving
i have no reason
no answers
no questions.
no thoughts.
am I dead
I feel dead
losing all touch
losing all sense
of time
of place
of life
of how to be
and how not.
How the world is now
how its been
how its ruined
how my life is
how its been
is it ruined?


quick and easy,
this poem is so..
its so quick
its so simple.
but hard to explain
i cant understand
maybe my silent audience knows?
but probably not
this is my problem
they cant help
quick words
oh
so
small.
and then,
the madness-
and my insanity.
why must,
i be cursed so?
its
so
simple.
and you know,
its so quick..
to know,
but not know.


Confusing of course!
what other way,
would you have it?
COnfusing!
Indeed.
Quite right it is,
confusing.
this whole life
and I cant understand
why on earth,
id love to figure it out
thats when i die.
when Ive reached perfect understanding
therefore, I live forever
Im immortal
just for that
just for that,
for not understanding
not accepting
never understanding.
Im unable.
Incapable.
Completely.
Yours.

Plaiyng on words now,
i think i have too much fun with this
too much fun
well thats my life
not caring
but then caring
Im so contradictory of myself
you'd think I was insane
but really I must be
what else could be wrong?
insanity.
playing.
i do love to play.
not understanding is my game
confusion is the rule.
are you surprised to find this?
this thing?
this.. whatever it is, this madness..
this flow from my mind.
not creative,
but dull.
not poetic,
but bland.
its silly,
that i could think anything.
silly,
that I can want to think anything.
silly,
that I should think of being sensical.
when what,
I am so good at.. just
could be..
nonsensicality.


i should throw some things out the window
for instance
understanding
where has it gotten me?
I dont even know.
What the hell.
Indeed, to throw things out the window
not to deal with them again.
but thats the same
as shutting things out.
and that's
the cowards way out,
to ignore things
continuously.
I do wonder what Im playing at..
I dont even know, you see,
where this little ditty is taking me
this trip through my mind
this trip through my mind
I dont know where it leads me to,
or fro,
or indeed,
to-fro.


establish:
im crazy
confused
witty
but not.
And confused.
confusion; such a strange word.
it describes my life..
daily.
never ending
confusion
is all I seem to be.
thats me.
I cant escape,
I can't deny
would I want to,
oh no.
I'd love to have clarity,
to know a purpose;
but that seems impossible,
for a me like me.


Dazed and out of it,
that defines me.
sure,
but unsure
you know that story,
a dozen times.
come on.
it doesnt change,
always the same.
so cliched.
so similar.
heard forever,
echoed a thousand times
down a dark hall
down a dark alley
whats prettier
whats simpler.
whats so hard to understand
but so hard to misunderstand.


this is what i like,
this release.
alone.
but understood
by myself.
but not quite
never quite
not ever
impossible, it always is
always seems-


interrupted,
I forget
my track of mind
my state of mind
it varies,
each second.
it changes.
i forget,
what i want,
what i think.
but i know,
and i know,
but i dont know.
and sensicality has no place here..
of course,
because im me;
and weve reached
that understanding before,
you and I,
whoever YOU happen to be.
indeed I believe
I've lost my mind
for really, having no sense
is to have no life.
no understanding.
but what is life?


so misunderstood.
but so much to say,
to be understood
it hardly seems worth it.


If things were so simple
they wouldn't exist!
but ive twisted my mind
around so many things,
so confusion abounds,
and clarity subsides
into the recesses of my mind,
into the recesses of the world.
the end of the world,
that lurks in my mind.
it honestly does.
I think the end really could be soon.
theres no point to life anymore
so many people,
that any accomplishments seem futile in the light of ever greater,
ever more wondeful people than you
small triumphs.

THings you cant ignore.
things you cant ignore. so many
i cant ignore
i cant deny
i cant believe
what i say
i dont understand
im confused.
if only i had clarity.

it is here that i get redundant.
i reach insanity.
clearly,
misunderstood
lifeless,
pointless,
no reason
or sense.
theres really no purpose
but try to live on
to the fullest
through this madhouse
humanity has created
this craziness,
this world..
what is it?


I dont know what it is,
what im looking for
and if the answer was so simple
im sure it wouldnt be worth the thought
and i feel so brilliant
with that little deduction.
i should just shut up
because really,
whats the point?


This horrible thing
I keep saying,
"whats the point?"
To answer,
there really isnt a point
but to delve into imagined reasonings..
oh its fun,
oh its wonderful,
its great....
but no,
horrible of me,
to be so cynical!
though thats not the word i want,
its what i'll use..
because im me;
thats what I do.
Nonsensicality at its finest.

boo boo boo
sense
no sense
we have no sense
there is no sense
what is sense
there is no sense
not for me
not for you
not for your damn fish..
oh i love fish
they are quite the delight
they can swim.

Im being so real now
so deep
so me
so clear-
not clear.
but in a way,
it is clear
this is as close to me,
my core,
as you get.
i can suppose.
but who knows.

ok ok ok
ok
looks fun!
ok!
ok ok ok
doesnt this look fun
ok :)
ok.
ok, so poetic.
two letters.
o.
k.


stupid fucking fish what the hell is wrong with me.

Oh yeah, did I mention my birthday is on sunday? :D