This is it!

Well, this site has been the start of something, and whilst the readership has died down now, the pain of using the Xanga system, combined with the fact that xanga seems to only encourage pathetic dribble and so on, there will be no more entries on this site.  Ever.

Don't worry though, if you thought this was worth reading and want to see more of the same, then go to my nice new, non-crappy site, here.

All the old content is there and that's where I'll be from now on, don't be sad though, it's not the end..only the beginning.

Living With Humans

Well, things have changed since I've been away, in the realm of exams and general nastiness. I return here, only to find that my comments section has died and well, maybe it's time I started updating more often.  So a nice new entry for all of you, enjoy

Now, as the title of this precious and well researched paper suggests, this detailed work of art details with the subtle difficulties of living with humans.  Humans are a strange creature, they possess two arms and two legs and a lot of attitude.  As a result of these attitudes, opinions and selfish nature, living with a human can be quite problematic.  Allow me to take you through some of the more disturbing aspects of this theory.

Of all the problems encountered with humans, almost all of them are about money and sharing, by far the worst example I've ever seen consists of a case of two such homo sapiens living together.  Now, pretend you are such a beast for a second, hard to do, I know, but we scientists must try.  Got it?  Can you feel the inadequacies, the false confidences, the general inconsideration towards other such creatures?  I know it hurts, but it won't be for long.

Right, now being this pretend human thingo that you are, now pretend that you live with another.  Imagine you share half of your space with another.  You pay half the money for said space, buy your own food and try (within the limited capacity that humans can), to consider your living partner when making certain decisions.  For example, generally it is not good to play extremely loud music when others are trying to sleep.  Obvious to us, but not so obvious to the human character.  A simple arrangement, and one that would seem hard to make uncomfortable, but if you are still pretending to be like these horrible mutants, you will realise that it is an extremely tenuous arrangement.

Now, the first thing you will immediately notice, in your emulated state, is that there are obvious ways to exploit the sharing nature.  You can use more of the resources, eat all the food, not clean up after yourself in shared areas, make excessive noise at innapropriate times, find excuses not to pay your half of the rent by not being there, but the really obvious method is that of guests.  Humans being the supposedly social creatures they are (a strange concept really, considering how utterly inconsiderate the human is), they often require others around them, this said, they often invite guests.  Now, it is an unsaid agreement that you may invite guests to a shared accomodation, it is fair to offer them shared food or even to use shared resources.  The problem is that when a guest becomes a regular the situation becomes slanted.

Still being human?  Good, keep it up, because it's the only way you'll ever comprehend this.  Now imagine that you invite a guest to stay over for an entire weekend.  Stretching the agreement right?  Well, not really if it's a once off.  It is however, if they come over *every* weekend and most days of the week, leeching all things and taking up space.  If they stay there all the time, bring sleeping arrangements, personal equipment and clothes they are technically living there and as such should pay their way.  The worst thing is that some, lowly disgusting humans, expect to do this without compensating their living partner in any way.  If a third person is living in an abode, they should pay rent too, otherwise it is freeloading, and nothing more than a blatant slap in the face of the living partner.

Even worse than this is the treatment that can sometimes occur when this sort of lopsided arrangement occurs.  Usually if a guest is around, and the guest and host intend on doing something, it is customary to occasionally invite the living partner every now and then, to show some form of respect for the living arrangement.  Even more so, it is important for the guest and host to be careful not to impose too much on the other tenant.  For example, giggling, excessively, loudly, all the time and driving your living partner to the point where they must escape is extremely inconsiderate and is punishable by death in some countries.  Doing this, forcing a person from their own home without compensating them in some form of rent or even asking if said guest can stay for such an extended period is simply beyond belief.  Even in your emulated human form, I could never expect you to believe this is possible, unless you see it for yourself.  In fact right now, I am revitalising just such as escapee, who managed to narrowly escape from a land of selfishness, inconsideration and blatant exploitation for at least a month now.  Maybe soon this poor, badly treated person will some day be able to live in the wild again, but for now the damage will take some time to undo.

I have seen this, in all my experimentation, observation and carefully plotted theories, once.  One time, have I seen a human, so inconsiderate as to perpetrate such a henious act.  It was made far worse by the act of leaving the apartment alone for holidays and not paying the half of the rent, a crime not only punishable by death, but by hanging drawing and quartering in several continents.

I only wish that I had been the living partner.  If it was me, I would burn all property of this filthy human, I would forcibly remove them from my habitat, and I would never talk to them again.  Unfortunately, humans being the nasty little critters they are, this one managed to find a perfect victim, who even still considers this lowly creature a friend.  Even in an emulated state, I cannot perceive how this is possible.  My only wish is that something truly dreadful happens to this human, or they in some way understand their hideous doings and try to right the deep wrongs they have committed.

Bearing this in mind, I have prepared a following list, a guideline for living with humans:

1. Make sure all unspoken agreements are spoken and preferably put down in writing
2. Keep foodstuffs separate, make sure that there is an obvious divide between 'mine' and 'yours', otherwise before you know it, an entire weeks worth of food will disappear into the deep beyond.
3. Anything bought for the apartment should be done so entirely by one person.  One person should buy the fridge, the other the TV etc.  Then when you move out or kill the human you know exactly what belongs to who.
4. Don't!  I have yet to see a living arrangement with humans where someone is not disadvantaged.  Humans are not social creatures in the true sense of the word.  They will hurt or even kill each other to further their own ends.

Thank you for attending the lecture, be sure to pay for the ticket at the door.

The Meaning of Nothing and Everything

It has been sometime since my last update of nutrient filled goodness, but I have been the victim of a research assignment and nazism in general.  Needless to say I tire of all things engineering and hope that one day the world will consist entirely of chocolate, because then world hunger would be cured and everyone would die of happiness, or in the case of the diabetic amongst us, starvation.

Well, I've been thinking.  Mostly about things which are not very fun to think about, but when not thinking about unfun things I was, in fact, thinking about fun things.  But this doesn't really relate to our discourse for today, oh readers.  No, today we will talk about underlying meanings, and the amazing way in which much of the population of this green and blue coloured thingy manage to completely misunderstand it.

Now, the thing is about underlying meanings, or hidden meanings, if you will, is that they are hidden.  Sometimes referred to as symbolism, and mostly used in entertainment media, such as films or books, these underlying meanings are the intricate lace that makes a film or book watchable many times over.  In these times of chaos though, hidden meanings can be found in anything.

When the terminator says "I'll be back" it is in fact a campaign promise for Arnold Schwarznegger, he predicted this far into the future (after all, he did come from the future), and he and James Cameron made a subtle joke about it on film.  Look hard enough into the many writings of forums and internet sites in general and you'll find even more absurd statements than these.  What worries me the most is those that attribute hidden meanings to films such as "The Matrix".

Now don't get me wrong, the Matrix twology (I refuse to acknowledge the third film as anything other than a waste of space), in an ingenious piece of work, because it showcases beautifully some truly amazing computer generated effects and cleverly filmed sequences.  It makes some fairly shallow references to many mythologies and makes a mockery of many hierachies, (the counsel, for example, is a typical American attempt at trying to represent all races and just looking like a bunch of stereotypes thrown together), but when you read pages and pages of internet articles on how deep the meanings go, you begin to realise that it is more than likely that the FatCowSki brothers didn't really think of all these things and instead just threw a whole heap of stuff together and let the know-it-alls of  world find meaning for themselves.

This sort of desperate search for meaning is of course most prolific in religion.  In times of old, if an eagle attacked a rodent, it was a sign, if it didn't it was a sign.  The signs invariably pointed towards the hidden agendas of the priests concerned, but in modern times, our holy guides seem to truly believe in these god-statements scattered in the most unlikely of places.  When a bridge falls down and nobody gets hurt, it's a sign from God.  When a bridge falls down and kills several hundred people, it's all part of Gods plan.  Well, all I can say is God is not a very efficient planner.  He should have just given signs to the parents of those that died not to bother or at least to use condoms, since would save a whole heap of trouble.

It's the Election Hour with Cliffy B!!!!!

Hello again all you funky cats and dead koalas, it's been a while since you've had the chance to bask in the glory of a shiny new update upon these hallowed pages, but now you may, yet again, get a really bad sunburn with the Ultra Violet glow of my wisdom.

Today, we're going to cover an exciting new topic that you obviously can't get enough of, those wacky Elections!!! (The three exclamations are required by law to make the topic even more exciting).  Although you may think that you've had as much as you can have of the Elections!!! after hours upon hours of  ads, current affairs programs trying to predict who will win and complete media saturation whenever any minor event takes place, you clearly don't realise that you need more.

Whilst there are many good dissections and excellent writings about the Elections!!! findable by the box of Gerald, I believe several things need to be covered further.  Personally, I think that the Elections!!! are immensly enjoyable.  All of a sudden things that everyone wants done are all started at once, roadworks crop up everywhere, pension payments massively increase and all sorts of chances take place at a rate previously thought impossible.  The bad thing is that once these Elections!!! thingoes are done, the roads remain chopped up and all pension payments get crippled once again.

So with this in mind, I think there should be Elections!!! every 4 months.  This will ensure that pensions stay high, roads remain new and slagging matches between brainless politicians are endless, much like the transformers, only without any interest whatsoever. 

Furthermore, the elections themselves are fairly useless.  We may choose between a bunch of overweight old men who have identical views anyway and somehow this is considered democracy.  Why not cut out the middle man?  The elections are so time consuming anyway, why not have them as a series of referendums about each of the supposed issues?  This way, whoever got in would be forced to give the bulk of Australia what they actually want, rather than making false promises and ignoring them once in power.

In fact, we could go one step further and have Election!!! Idol.  Every week a possible candidate would be eliminated from the running after performing a song of sorts.  I wouldn't fancy John Howards chances, but he does tend to sing a new tune every week anyway, so who knows?  Only the "Australian Public" would decide.

For those of you who aren't in Australia, sorry if this was a bit confusing.

The Rules

For those of us who aren't female

A little while ago, an acclaimed writer write an utterly brilliant piece of prose, so powerful that it brought whole nations to tears.  A bit further before that, I wrote some crap about a stupid book with lots of propaganda in it.  I also said that I would provide a similar set of rules for males, so here we go:

The Rules for non-Women Folk

1. Be Honest -
   If she asks how an item of clothing looks, then she clearly isn't sure, so show your full support by laughing loudly.  When she seems proud of a new outfit, tell her exactly what you think of the style which it encompasses. Lastly, an honest opinion is needed if she ever asks if her butt looks too big.  Remember to stretch your arms out when explaining exactly how large her rear is.
2. Be Open -
   Everyone knows that women love honesty and truth in a relationship.  On your first date, announce that you intend to video tape her having sex and put it on the web.  Make her feel comfortable by burping loudly and using the same language you would in a room full of drunken guys. She will appreciate your courage in showing your true appearance, so never bother wearing deodorant or cleaning.
3. Always Arrive Late -
   Women take several months to prepare for any outing they take whatsoever, thus you should try not to bring this fact to their attention by arriving several minutes late.  If they happen to mention your generosity in a negative fashion, reply with something along the lines of: "Well, my watch says I'm early", then show her your watch which you have put back by four hours just to prove the point.
4. Relax -
   Many first dates are spoiled by being too tense about the occasion and doing something which is usually considered silly.  The solution to this eternal struggle is to find a way of relaxing.  One method is to drink a lot before the date, most people swear by this method.  Another is to take a walkman of some description along and listen to calming music throughout the evening.  If things become particularly tense, or if the female insists on talking to you, then simply turn the volume up.  This will ensure an excellent evening.  For you.

Now, go forth my minions and follow the rules for an excellent and healthy dating experience.