Currently Listening Love Jones: The Music (1997 Film) By Various Artists see related

It's already Sunday night? Ugh...

I need a vacation, I promise you I do.  So, I'm trying to evaluate some of the drama that I have been experiencing lately so I can understand WHY I am going through said drama.  Recently, I made it abundantly clear to a very good friend of 14 years that I no longer wanted anything to do with her.  Why?  Money.  Isn't that just... sad?  Money is the root of all evil. But it's not even really ABOUT the money.  It's about how I had her back when she was REALLY going through a lot... and how even though I didn't have a job, I stretched out my unemployment check just to make ends meet.  It's about her admitted atrocities towards me yet no real willingness to fix what she damaged.  It's about how I entertained that notion for 3 years by never calling her on it, and how the moment I do - she totally disrespects me.  In April, I presented to her a "reminder" that she owes me money.  I'm trying to get a new car, and thanks to her, my credit is damaged.  She instantly came up with this excuse so out of pocket, I could have literally smacked the hell outta her.  Didn't you get my check?  Wait... what did you say?  I sent you a check.  Get out... no you didn't.  Yes I did, I mailed it to you.  Did you really?  Yeah you didn't get it?  Ummmmm... negative.  Well I mailed it like two weeks ago, I was wondering why my account balance was off.  Word?  So, after literally 3 1/2 months of back to back mess, I'm like, okay... we're done here.  Deflection and excuses dominated her end of the conversations.  I was the bad guy.  So I said some choice words to her, so masterfully delivered, that she would have no choice but to say don't talk to me ever again.  It was great.  Because, technically, I should be the one saying that to her.  It's the exact opposite of how it should be. So, now I am taking her to court for almost $600 she owes me for utilities, security deposit, and cable.  And I questioned why a friend of that long would do something like this to permanently end the friendship of so long? 

Because she is a bad influence on me.  She's not helping me get to that next level, she's not helpiing herself get to any level.  So I felt a little upset you know, that it came to all that, till it really hit me WHY it happened.  Then it all made sense.  And I as I sit back and reflect to all the "good" times we had, I couldn't once reflect on a good time that we had when I was sober or not getting high.  That's not really cool.  Not at all at this age.  I mean I think it's totally gotten her to the point where she doesn't care about anything other than herself and what she needs to do to further better her situation, sans the repercussions it will have on friends.  I just don't get it.  But I understand how it relates to where I'm trying to go, so I don't question it anymore.  I am still going to take her to court.  For me to have the balls to do something like takes a REAL strong desire.  I really have to mean it.  And I did.  I've never done that before.  I've never had to.  But I get it... now. 

For me, that's a big step in the right direction.  Moving on from someONE.  Aiight, I'm out.

Live, Love, Laugh & Learn:

, B

Currently Listening Victory LIVE! By Tye Tribbett see related

My Country 'Tis of Thee

Currently Listening The Dana Owens Album By Queen Latifah see related

Week to slow... weekend too fast.

Will it EVER not rain?  So the power went out Monday night from something I wouldn't even really call a storm.  When did it come back on?  Wednesday afternoon.  Me and my roommate woke up simmering in our own juices.  It was nasty.  Tuesday night it was STILL hot, so we stayed at a hotel, so I could cool off and bathe in the light.  The crib stank Wednesday from the nasty food in the fridge and freezer.  Way to be on top of it, Com Ed.  I'm glad that in the wake of such a disaster as a mild storm, that you were there ensuring your customers had power.  It's funny cuz I was watching TV that same Wednesday and a Com Ed commercial came on talking about how they made $3 billion worth of improvements over the past ten years, but hadn't raised rates.  Word?  So would our power have been out for a week if you didn't make those improvements?  Whatever.  LOL

Went and saw Superman Returns 3D at the IMAX in Lincolnshire.  It was a pretty okay joint.  We ended up sitting way too close b/c there were so many people... so we left out with a headache. 

Friend of a friends family was having a BBQ today cuz dude is goin to Iraq.  Asked me did I want to go.  I'm straight on that.  I lost a cousin there, so I'm REALLY straight on that.  Anyway - time to bounce.

Live, Love, Laugh & Learn,

, B

Are you there God? It's me, B Sheezy

Today:  Sunny and HOT.  High: somewhere close to the temp in hell I imagine.

Mood:  Chill

What's really good?  So yesterday after work, I went to church and we watched this T. D. Jakes joint.  He talked pretty much about how those of use who are destined for greatness face a LOT of adversity.  So that got me to thinkin, right.  Here I am... someone who has come a long way, but still as a long way to go.  I just joined this church in Feb of 05.  My first consciencious decision to go to church, make sure I was getting what I needed from it, and then join... something I have never done.  Okay, wait... let's back up a little, shall we?  I am a musician and a singer.  I was raised playing instruments, not forced, but by choice.  Went to college on this phat music scholarship, left after 2 years of being unsatisfied.  But in the midst of being in college, I got saved.  So I come home and I am this new person.  Not without fault, mind you. 

Anyway, back to now.  I join this church with a ton of music knowledge and experience under my belt.  I have toured almost everywhere (nationally), sang and played with some of the world's leading musicians and vocalists.  So, I have somewhat of a reputation for knowing what I'm talking about.  So here is where it get's tricky... and last night was the first time I EVER talked about it with someone.

Me and D went out to eat afterwards, following a 45 minute social gathering in the street...  ghetto.  But you know how we do.  So as we sit there, D raises the question on what I thought about the flick.  Blah blah blah... so we talk about walking in the Kingdom, right.  And I start talking about my future, and how unknown it seems to be right now.  I have REALLY gotten my life in some sort of order after joining this church.  I got a job that I love.  I got out of debt (except those nagging student loans), got a new whip (that's a car for you slow folk), and my finances are on point.  But sometimes I still feel lost.  This past Tuesday night, I pretty much prayed myself to sleep, and somewhere between the realm of conciousness and unconciousness, I felt God come into me.  Wanna know what He said?  Of course you do.  He said "worry not." And that's pretty much it.  So what was I praying about?  Doing His will.  But WHAT IS HIS WILL?! 

A few months ago, this cat in the choir, Bro. Wallace told me that God had given me everything I needed to do what I need to do.  Really?  Has He?  And even that made me think.  When I first joined the church, there was a lot I wanted to do... work with choir this, start a community group that, etc.  And it seemed like everyone wanted to confine me to the walls of the single church, which I wasn't really comfortable with.  Now, I get it.  I understand why they said that.  Here's the thing though - before I'm a singer, I'm an instrumentalist... and a good one... not to brag in the least.  Now that I am in this church, it's like I have less time to be a musician b/c so many folk want me to do all these things vocally.  And my thing is, how do I question what a man of God says to me, when CLEARLY God is using him as a vessel to tell me something that, apparently, I need to know?  So what is my destiny, and where is He leading me?  Why would God train me up as a musician, only to then say "That's enough, you are going on this path now?"  Or has He really even said that?  See, Bro. Wallace, bless his heart, doesn't know me outside of church.  And when I think of what I want to do with my life, singing is not # 1.  But then, I have to be honest and say PLAYING isn't either.  So I'm like how can Bro. Wallace say something like that when he doesn't KNOW me?  How can you say I am pretty much destined to do all these great things with this choir and in this church, when # 1, I don't feel like that's my calling?  I want to go back to school.  And I busted my TAIL to go back this fall, only for it to blow up in my face.  Why would God not WANT me to further my education, and get the best out of life that I possibly can?  Maybe society's standards on what the "best" is differ from God's - in fact I KNOW they do, but why something like education - which is something that I now VALUE?  And D was told me not to even try to understand, just get in your Word and He will reveal it to you in time. 

I hate to question when that will be, but I can't HELP but wonder.  Music is more important to me than I am able to express to ANYONE.  I know so many things that I can't talk to about with anyone b/c they simply won't understand my frame of reference or mind.  So why is God STILL having me learn all this stuff, if I am ultimately moving in a different direction?  Or, am I NOT really moving in a different direction at all?  I just don't get it.  The timing to go back to school was PERFECT.  It's hard to dedicate your life to school when you are almost 27 years old.  Mommy and Daddy don't help anymore.  Money will DEFINITELY be an issue.  While I love my job, it doesn't provide me with the satisfaction that I desire in LIFE, even though I do see the fruits of my labor there.  I know how important my job is and how valuable I am.  Sometimes I wish my salary reflected that a little more.  LOL  But seriously, most people don't get the opportunity to see how their job effects the whole.  It makes you feel good - like you have truly accomplished something.  Rambling...

So where does this leave me?  Where am I going?  When will I get there?  "Worry not?" That's a pretty powerful thing to say.  And while I don't WORRY per se', I do WONDER.  I have faced a lot of adversity, so I KNOW what He has in store for me is greater than I could possibly imagine - and I gotta say, I imagined a lot for myself.  Ball of confusion, rolling along the path of righteousness.  Sounds like an oxymoron.  I'm out peoples. 

Live, Love, Laugh & Learn

, B