BedMates pt.1

Fuck me Big Daddy!
Whisper in my ear and
Tell me how much you don't give a damn
Cuz you got enough women in line
Waiting on your reprise.

Grab my legs and
Wrap them around your waist
As you plow me
Hard and deep like
Rain soaked earth.

Laugh as I wriggle and squirm
Wanting to find a comfortable place
On that bed
Where you claim
The magic happens.

Let your eyes fall
From that place on the
Wall behind me and
See those tears
Landing silently on my cheek.

Mix me up and
Lie to me,
Just a little more
Convincing yourself that this
Is exactly what every woman wants.

Currently Listening King of Sorrow By Sade see related

Grab a Bottle to Drown Your Sorrows?

Then inevitably found yourself drowning at the bottom, I'm certain.

I never would have forseen such a painful conclusion to this chapter--let alone a conclusion at all. Love, and devotion to the overall success and progression of that love has always been[and always will be] a large chunk of what makes love last, in my opinion. Similar core values; a strong belief in the power of change and a willingness to do so is a beautiful thing.

We as people, have given up on ourselves as a whole and therefore learned to give up on each other individually. Sometimes, all a person needs is a kind word; a gesture of faith and intimacy to encourage growth and prosperity. I am, a strong willed person....

...but I am also very sensitive when it comes to my heart.

I admit, that I require encouragement from time to time, upon reaching certain junctures in my life. Decision making has never quite been my strong suit, when it comes to seeking immediate results. But I know this about myself, and have made it a mission to rectify such a handicap. However, in these times of confusion I seek refuge in those who matter most in my life. Never having much family to speak of, my friends reside in my "fortress of solitude". I bounce ideas, thoughts, and feelings off of them in hopes of gaining the knowledge necessary to achieve a goal.

It's difficult, when someone who lives in my heart, finds it unecessary to bless me with the patience and encouragement, and maybe swift kick in the ass that I need. I am a work in progress; I am aware of that and believe that as humans we all are such. Gaining perspective is key in this progression, yet being chastized, humiliated, and put down only proves to be a negative hinderence [especially when done by those who you love most]. In an unforgiving world, at least those in my heart would allow me a fair chance to grow and develop as a person.

But as it seems, some folks no longer believe in a fair and just world within the confines of their own relationship; within their own safe bubble. From that, I learned it became much easier just to say, "I didn't try" then to continue saying "This change is difficult, and I need help" and be, again, chastized for it. I wanted things to be different, full circle: to be a better girlfriend, a better daughter, and a better friend and companion. Fighting my own handicaps, and character flaws in a death match; a battle of wits and will!

...but it seems that the folks in my corner slowly but surely became folks routing for the other guy.

Here's the deal

I've been writing on here because, frankly I don't think anyone will read it.

Anyone who DOES read it, hopefully won't be judgmental. My thoughts and feelings are wrapped up in so many different problems, stuffed inside a sphere, and subsequently displaced and not quite useful to me at the moment.

I am misunderstood, and therefore ostracized in a way that I'm afraid I cannot recover from.

whatever...here goes nothin

Popcorn kernels lodged in my teeth
I pick away at my frustration
Still painfully out of reach
Broken glass windows and door frames
My security breached
Yet I lay here melancholy
A sanctimonious speech
Continues to ring loud in my ear drum
Poster child for underachievement
I can her 'em
Close the door, lettin heat out
And bugs in.
I can't survive all the dark nights
With out that lovin luv'in

And as the quiet grows quieter
You better quiet her
Big man's been appointed the silencer
Drip dreams from a broken lip cup
These seams have been torn to smithereens!
From afar his gaze still beams
Only he sees these seams aren't what they seem
And believe me
It's best to trust an open mind and a closed mouth
Though they talk very little
When they speak they know what they talkin bout

But these hopes
Leave a wide mouth open to the ocean
Click clack..bick bick
It's one swift motion
Bodies drop at the hands of Big man the silencer
Discovered off the coast
By a local islander
Who knows better than to tell truths
And hand over his fate
What to do? What to say?
Is not up for debate.

It's a test of what you know
And what you know best.
Stand firm a deliver
Never assume the rest.
Love God first, and man last
Repent the mistakes you made
Never live for the past.
Pray you'll find one day
Someone who sincerely gives a fuck.
Peace up. Maryland down

Deuces chucked!

~L-Boogie

Currently Listening 5 Steps By Dru Hill see related

Just one of Them Nights

4:00am....

Feels like one of them nights again. Stress on my mind. Watching Foxy Brown, and tryna understand the plight of the black community, at the time so desperate for movies featuring our own kind that we scrambled for the next blacksplotation film available. But, it's a stepping stone. Sometimes, stepping stones aint exactly what we hope for--but it's damn sure a start [possibly in the right direction].

Never really meant for things to take this direction for he and I. I guess, that's the way of life. We make plans, and God laughs. Shit, he has a right to. I'd laugh at my silly ass too. Thinking I could have any amount of control. To me, seems like that's the only thing I got left in this world--my little bit of control. Without it, I feel like a failure. Like every stride I make will ultimately amount to very little in the long run.

Damn, like... if I could do things over again, I surely would. Take back those hurtful words and that sharp, hasty tongue. Maybe listened a lot more, but never...NEVER expect any less than what I needed/ wanted. There were things I needed, that I won't apologize for and won't regret asking. But maybe, in my quest to gain better understanding...I should've given it as well.

Relinquishing that control has been so hurtful. Like I failed. Like no matter what I say or do, I will always be that same muthafucka I started out as. No growth; no progression--not a damn thing.

But I'd much rather sacrifice my happiness, for the happiness of the one I love. Cuz if I'm doing what I need for me, and that person is doing what they need for me...then who is doing for them? I've always thought like that...had relationships where I was the poor hapless "them". Guess I lost sight of that somewhere along the way...somewhere in the mix of uncertainties, and wanting to protect myself form being on the lower end of the totem pole...

....I forgot what it meant to love somebody. Now that I remember, is it too late to prove it to the ones that mattered most [me and that other person]?

Currently Watching The Wiz By Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, Nipsey Russell, Ted Ross, Mabel King see related

...singing the Crow Anthem

anybody who has ever seen The Wiz, will know exactly what The Crow Anthem is--a song sung by musical genius, Michael Jackson and produced by the great Quincy Jones!

"You can't win...you can't break even...and you can't get out of the game!"

Yea, it's exactly where I am right now. Even as things are looking up, and seemingly going my way I soon realize that "I shall NEVER! Never get down offa this here pole!"

Can't wait to start school. I'm so excited, I just wish I had someone to share in my excitement. I've been wanting that special man in my life who can love through the hard times [because I'm sure there will be plenty in a lifetime] and see me for the intelligent, wity, sarcastic, sweet, soulful, creative woman that I am. I open the door, just to have someone look me in my face with bewilderment. I am ME! I will always be ME, with improvements to foster and nuture my own progress. Understanding that I am human, and beautifully imperfect as such...is the key to understand me.