goodbye.

love always, mikey

i never realized how much i wanted a child until recently.

and now he's gone.. it just makes it worse.. i wish i could have a child with him.. with pieces of both of us.. so i could keep a piece of him forever.. i know that's so warped but it's how i feel?

the other day in my philosophy class the teacher was talking about how they'd combined 2 males and 1 females genes into one child.. and everyone was like "ewww" but i was like "aww" out loud.. it's personal...

tonight at work i was running these thoughts and scenarios through my head.. i was thinking of how i wanted a daughter and lover to come home to and i wanted to run by toys-r-us and get her a present for no reason, just because she deserved it..

and about this time in the daydream this 2 year old little girl comes running up to this handsome young man saying "yu awe mah daddy!"

and wow i almost shed a tear... how emotional i've been lately..

i just want someone to love me like that.. open and unrestrained and who couldn't leave me.

but who doesn't?

then i started thinking about childhood.. and i watched that little girl run through abercrombie while occasionally running back to her father and hugging his leg, only to run off again, only to come back again... and i started thinking about how happy she was. the music and her dad were enough. they made her happy. that's all she needed.

and she'll never be this happy again.

she's going to grow up and her mind is going to expand and she's going to understand the world and it's disease and hunger and boys and the way hearts break and that music and daddy aren't enough... .

and she'll never be this happy again.

M

we talked again today.. at least i know he still loves me whether he says it or not.. i also failed two tests today i think... maybe i should incorporate studying into my weekly routine.

the last two nights i've dreamed about the only two boys i've loved.. the first night i dreamed about how Person Idiot realized that being gay wasn't so bad and that love is love.. and he came and we were happy.. i actually remember hearing him say this in my dream

"the only time i've ever been true to myself in my whole life was when i told you i loved you"

 but this dream was just a random nice dream.. i don't really miss him anymore.. i still love him, but miss him? no. do i still want him? no not really.. that was a long time ago and he has become someone i don't even recognize. i also dreamt about a puppy getting potty-trained.. 

then last night i dreamed than dan came to my house and he was telling me about the horrible things Person Russian had done to everyone (most of which were true) and dan kept saying how much he hated Person Russian now.. even though he was his best friend a few months ago.. and all i was thinking about the whole time was how much none of it mattered, he could hurt me and everyone else as much as he wanted, cuz at the end of the world i would still care about him.. and then in the dream there was this warm little light glowing beneath my skin and i knew one day he'd see all this love and come home and all would be forgiven..

and that was my dream.. it was nice while it lasted.. good feelings.. except having to wake up to the realization that that isn't reality.. ouch...

except he is getting better.. which he told me today. his previous doctor was severely under diagnosing him (no shit) i don't think he will ever come back though.. cuz coming back would mean facing the mess he caused and left..

mess = me

 but at least he's getting better.. i would rather him be stable..

people arent going to comment on this because it's too personal.. people only comment when i'm impersonal

M

i've had a headache for the last two weeks... i think maybe i should go to a doctor...
I had a 50/50 time at the party last night.. it was nice hanging out with breck. super smash brothers is super lifting... i'm gonna stop smoking cuz it makes my head hurt worse..
I'm getting fat.
I hate gay people.
I hate people who care about looks and attitude. why is being a "bitch"
so desired?
all i want is what i had. someone to read with... someone to be quiet with.. someone to just walk with.. words are empty..
i'm really sad.. but i wont put it on here..

that's a lot of dislikes... so here are some likes.. i like the cool weather.. i really like hash browns and big drunk black women.. i also like the color brown. oh, and i have this huge infatuation with anyone of russian descent...

i love fiona apple's new cd..

i'm really not very negative in person... just when i'm alone and on xanga..

I've been feeling very black and grey lately.. no, not black and white.. just black and grey.. maybe it's the season..
 

I broke my car today... I'd just filled the gas tank and I always hit the little button that resets the miles before I start the car, but today I forgot.. and as I was leaving the parking lot I realized it and I tried to reach through to steering wheel quickly and hit it.. it was suppose to be a lighting fast ninja shot, but I missed the button and the wheel started turning back too fast cuz I was going around a corner and it pulled my arm down (keep in mind my car is super small and there isnt much room for evasive action) and my arm broke open the steering colum by pulling the blinker lever thing too far down.. I was flabbergasted and kicking myself for being ignernt..

but i kinda fixed it so it's ok...  kinda..

my head feels funny..

a song goes with this collage.. it's "Asleep" by The Smiths

"Sing me to sleep i'm tired and i want to go to bed sing me to sleep and then leave me alone don't try to wake me in the morning cause i will be gone.. don't feel bad for me, i want you to know deep in the cell of my heart i will be so glad to go.. sing me to sleep I don't want to wake up on my own anymore... there is another world, there is a better world, well there must be, bye."

M

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!

Holy Shit, this is not good news for Mikey!