Apparently, 60% of the time I'm going to board an airplane its due to bad news.

First time, I moved to California. Not that I hate California, but I definitely did not want to leave what I had in New York. In the process of moving to California, I think I lost my identity. I had to start over, and for most people that's a great thing, god knows I need one right now, but at a young age, that's the last thing I needed.

Second time, Grandma's funeral.

Third time & Fourth time, to visit family and go on mini vacation. But those times weren't very thought out, it was good, but definitely could've been better.

Fifth time, Uncle is sick.

Right now, everything with the family is hectic. It's becoming less about taking care about my uncle and more about taking personal stabs at each others flaws. I want to be as helpful as I possibly can and I"m questioning whether or not I really am helping. =/

Not only that but I lost an old friend this week as well. Someone I knew for a very long time and promised to always be their friend but... it's better to just break it off quick and fast. It hurts, but its for the better. That's what I need to tell myself.

As of now, I'm pretty sure I'm turning into the failure that I feared I would be. Aspiring to be an Oceanographer seems to be a very distant path, and I'm no where near to finishing it, which is making me scared. Living with my father for the rest of my life also scares me. I don't hate him, but the need for me to break free of him is what I wanted to do since I was eighteen. But at the same time, I refuse to let him live by himself.

*sighs* i wish i could fix my work ethic. i need something to really hit me. hard.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written in here. In fact, it's been awhile since I've blogged period. The joy I used to get from updating my xanga/livejournal/blogspot everyday has been sucked away... mainly because I have no life to update about lol. That and the fact that I'm actually writing in a real journal now. Some things too private to share... the convenience of an online blog isn't as appealing as it once was. Besides, I'm a bit uncomfortable sometimes with showcasing my life and describing my day to day activities. I'm also sure no one is really interested in it anyway, but the one thing that I do like about online blogs will be that I can easily go back and see what happened on a certain day and due to my diligence and love for blogging, I have like a detailed account of what happened on which day x) .

Well.. it's too soon to tell but I mean I'm actually... doing work for my classes. It's the first time since... 6th grade. LOL. But it's too soon to tell whether I'm actually going to stick to it for 16 weeks. =x I have a volunteer interview next wednesday for Long Beach Aquarium and I'm waiting for Ecostation to reply back to my email about a job opportunity. I really really want this job and it's a bit of a commute but totally worth the experience. As much money as being a waitress rakes in for me, the stress and the fact that it has nothing to do with my major makes it a little discouraging. This semester's classes are a lot of fun so far. :) I'm happy with my teachers and my classes. I just need to get a laptop for my stats class. =x yikes. so now i have to save up for it. Laptop, Car Insurance, and Project Monterey. That's a lot of money... *sighs* Hopefully everything will work out.

Back at PCC

I had two days to enjoy my summer. Pathetic. *sighs* Well.. as you can tell from my title, I'm updating this at PCC which means, yes, I am back at school. Unbelievable. My summer was wasted. WASTED I say. I wish there was something more I can update on.. but my life is as usual dull and lifeless. Well.. with the exception of friends who I love oh so dearly. :) But yea.. I don't understand why I'm always bitching how boring my life is. I should do something, but I can't do anything without any money.. so I work my ass off.. OH! I KNOW!! I GOT A NEW FUTON IN MY ROOM! :D lol. That's something I'm really happy about. I'm saving up now for a car and also for a Flat screen for my room. Basically I'm redecorating my room.. slowly.. but it's happening. :) I'm pretty happy about that. x) I'm loving Wal-Mart right now too. Although I don't support child labor and whatnot, but my futon from there was awesome. :) So cheap x) haha. Anyways, I'll update more later.. I have like 45 mintues to catch dinner before I need to go to class. =(

Oh.. and I'm finally identified.. and I also have a permit. :) Looking for an instructor right now actually. :) If anyone still has the number to their instructor, if you kindly can leave it for me I mighty appreciate it. x)

Next Goal is to get my license by the end of October. :)

Consumed by Work

I can't believe how fast summer has passed by. I have done literally nothing... with the exception of the birthdays celebration, but other than that I have been working. I work 7 days a week.. I will not be getting financial aid next year.. -_-' eff. Now I actually have to start saving my money or else I won't be able to pay for anything. Son of a gun. I've been working way too much... I want summer to end, but then again I don't. I love my job at MBCLA. The kids there are just adorable. x) Sure... I'm not too crazy about them sometimes, but at the end of the day, I don't wanna say bye to them. My waitressing job is making me decent money.. but I would like to move to another restaurant where the check average for each person is a little bit more.. that way I can get more tips but eh. I have my other reasons for wanting summer to end but I won't go through that. I really hate myself right now because I'm yearning. Something I haven't done in a very long time. It's probably what Lam said though.. lack of options.. but goddamn. I hate yearning. The fact that I'm watching stupid love movies is not helping me either. Whatever, I'll forget about it soon enough. Nothing much to update on unfortunately. Except for stories about work.. which is really teh last thing I need to update on.

a new goal?

My life feels empty.. I feel like I have a big void and I need something to fill it up with. Just SOMETHING. But I mean, is someone my age really supposed to feel this way? Lol. I'm only 18 years old and most of the time people in their 30's find their life meaningless and pathetic, and going nowhere. Why is it that I'm going through this problem at such a freaking young age? I'm supposed to be enjoying my teenage years. It's the "prime" of my life is it not? I'm supposed to be out there and just living. Carefree without a worry. But I'm constantly questioning what needs to be done, what has to be done, where I need to go and whatnot. When I'm at home sitting and doing nothing, it makes me feel so useless. Whatever... I think when I grow up.. I would like to write a book. To be a published writer, and an oceanographer. But I think I might be involved politically or something. I don't know. I want to actually make a difference in my field and.. lol i want to be a little famous. But I don't really expect to be famous, BUT i would like to write a book, novel.. something. Writing was something I always wanted to do during middle school, so who knows. I'll make writing a book as one of my new goals.. I only have 5 at the moment anyways haha. x)