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| Hello, old friends. It's been a while.
It's tradition that I write a post about the past year. A lot has happened, and I feel that I've become a different person because of it. After all, I'm quickly approaching the end of my teenage years.
Some of the highlights of this year include rear-ending Laura Rivera's car and effectively totaling it, having my first little batch of students, and purchasing my beloved red Squier Double Fat Telecaster Deluxe (which I have named "Madeline").
I'm becoming increasingly lonely and depressed. I don't understand why. I once thought it was because I was single, but that theory was quickly crushed after getting involved with a few girls here and there. It could be the result of realizing how fast time has passed me by. It seems like just yesterday when I was in high school, carefree and immature. Perhaps I'm still immature. A few of my dear old friends are still around, but many of them have since moved on with their lives, and I seldom (if ever) try and keep contact. The distance between us is too vast. Maybe, just maybe, my loneliness stems from self-isolation. I'll explain that later. In any event, even when surrounded by my loved ones, I can't help but feel so lonely. I miss someone, some place, or something, and I'm not entirely sure of who, where, or what, respectively.
I feel very bitter about life. I find that my will and ability to be a social butterfly has made a complete turnaround: at one point in my life, I was disgusted by every human being that I encountered. My philosophy and views pertaining to life and the important parts of it differ greatly from many of my colleagues and fellow living creatures. To me, one's life is both extremely invaluable and unvaluable simultaneously. It's a beautiful duality that shook the foundation on which my morals and beliefs stand. One's life is very important, as it's the only one one's got. In one's world, the only person that matters is one's self. However, in the grand scheme of things, one's actions and very existence is of little importance. In the world, one death causes temporary grief, but life goes on. It's the way things are and always will be. I asked myself many times why I go to school, play guitar, or even bother living anymore. I became annoyed and eventually hateful of how many people worried and dealt with such trite and temporary victories and losses. My performance in school, work, in the band, and at home suffered because of this. I attended counseling in an act of desperation, as I started to feel my life spiraling out of control, with thoughts of ending my life recurring multiple times. One night, a good friend of mine named Trevor Frasch invited me over after work to hang out with him. His story is much crazier than mine, but I will not go into it out of respect for him. In any event, I talked to him while he proceeded to effectively get himself absolutely intoxicated while watching some horror movie starring Dee Snyder. Although he was clearly drunk, he proceeded to crush my views with his philosophy. Even though life (and sometimes, his own doings) dealt him devastating situations to work with, he kept fighting. I asked him why, and he told me that it was simple: he had to live. It was then when the idea of existentialism made sense to me; I am the only one who can determine the importance of my life. I'm the only one who can decide what matters to me, and consequently what holds little value to me.
The unfortunate thing about this epiphany is that it came a bit too late. I'm in danger of losing my scholarship, as I essentially threw away all but two of my classes (Teaching Diverse Populations and Lifespan Developmental Psychology), and only completed one of the aforementioned courses. I was recently dismissed of my duties at Walgreens after over two years of employment. I've killed off three bands that I was involved in this year: The Rising (with Jared Bell and a drummer I simply call "Brandon"), Red Light Bandits (with Jared Bell, Talal Ferretti, and an old friend named Robbie Knopf), and my pride and joy, The Doombringers (with Noah Ray). I've lost touch with many of my friends, all of whom I miss dearly. My relationship with my parents, while still tight, has a most undesirable awkwardness to it: sometimes, I feel like I'm talking to a stranger when I'm with my father. On a light-hearted and mostly facetious side note, I think I might have gained weight, which probably will lead to more loneliness.
Despite all of this, I have hope for 2008. I'm auditioning for the position of lead guitarist in a punk-rock band called The Explicits. I'm going back to school, albeit with only nine credits (three courses). I'm currently employed in the Florida Institution of Education at the University of North Florida, which will require me to guide 6th graders to success both in the classroom and outside of it. I'm still close to some of my friends, and I intend to keep it that way for a long time. I'm hoping to run the River Run with Jared this year, so I suppose I'll be getting back in shape. I have my sense of purpose back, and I'm ready to fight.
After all, we have to live.
Yours,
Kevin Nam Vu
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| I'm not the boy I used to be. | | |
| I'm nineteen today. Sometimes, I feel ten years older than that. Other times, I act ten years younger. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and see an old man facing the world. Other times, I see a reckless teenager hellbent on destroying everything and everyone around him.
Nineteen... wow, what an age. The past nineteen years were definitely interesting. I've been through many things, many of which were a result of something ill-planned on my part. Looking at the past year, I realized that I have learned much more now than I have ever learned in my life. I learned that I am somebody, and that I do take pride (and responsibilities, unfortunately) in my actions. I don't have to be afraid to let people see me for who I truly am. I am not a jester. I am not a joke. I am a musician. I am a romantic. I am a poet, a storyteller, an artist... I am the result of everything I've put my heart and soul into. I am a boy... no, a man. I am just as capable as Mr. Right, yet just as destructive as Mr. Wrong. I'm a lover and a fighter. My savior and my sin is my pride.
One thing I do regret, however, is not realizing sooner. I don't have to wear my mask anymore. I'm much more handsome without it.
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| Looking back at 2006, I saw many changes in my life. I've evolved from a self-confidence lacking high schooler to a full fledged college student who isn't afraid to sing his heart out. I suppose it comes with age.
I saw an old friend today. She looks really cute. I shouldn't think that, though. Thoughts like those can only mean disaster.
Happy New Years, everyone. My resolutions...
1. Lose 20lbs and keep it off.
2. Become more disciplined in both my studies and my guitar playing.
3. Embrace and further develop my writing skill.
4. Keep in touch with old friends.
5. Learn how to fall in love.
-Kevin Vu
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| Merry Christmas, everyone. I've got all the presents I want... love, a sense of stability, and my family and friends. I hope you have the same as well. | | |
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