did you ever wish that you could be in two places at once? and u felt like your skin was the only thing holding you back? ... i feel like i stole that idea from a movie somewhere. i probably did.

i've gone from one extreme to the next. i went from not knowing what to do with my life, to wanting to do EVERYTHING! and i have no clue where to begin, or even how to. and i'm so impatient that it's like, i wish wish wish that it could just happen overnight. haha.
there's so many things that i've been thinking about. just little things, that truly do interest me. but im trying to decide if it's an interest like.. it's something i could do forever, or if it's an interest like a hobby.

do i want a job that's just a job? or a job that's my life?
do i want a job so i CAN live? or a job that IS my life?

oh where oh where do i begin?

i've been thinking about going back to school.
you know what stinks? i was thinking about choices that i made back at stony brook. some were the best decisions of my life... others.. not so much. one of those is my major decision. i mean, psych was cool, it was interesting... but honestly.. it's not something i was very good at. maybe that's why i struggled a little through stony. if u ask me what my best classes were... my favorite classes and the classes i was best at were the music electives and french classes i took. i would hardly do any work for those classes and yet aced with NO problem whatsoever. i even skipped a term paper in music altogether in my sophomore year coz i was lazy (one of those bad decisions) and managed to pull off a B (don't ask how that happened coz i'm still confused myself) but you know... ur in college... and ur supposed to make responsible decisions. i love music... but i was trying to be realistic. and i had no clue what to do with a music degree. so... i opted for psychology. and just took a few music courses on the side for credits and decs.

so.. i was thinking about it........ and i looked into the bulletin. and i REALIZED that i was three classes away from a music minor. =X gahhh. sucks.

like i said... i've been thinking about going back to school. but this time for something that i'm genuinely interested in, instead of going to school just to get that college degree that helps oh so much in this thing called life. (i'm being sarcastic btw.)

it's such a gamble. now i know why people don't go after their dreams and just stick with that desk job that they hate, rather than trying to stand on their own two feet... go out there and go after what they want... only to fall flat on their face in the end. wasting all that time and energy, getting nowhere.
that's my greatest fear.
i wish that i knew i could go out there and just DO what i want... and in the end i know it'll be alright. in the end i'll be fine... able to live comfortably on my own.

oh well. here goes nothing.
only time will tell what happens in the end.

i like to think that i have a lot of faith, but it's not something i discuss openly. don't get me wrong... it's not that i'm ashamed of my faith and my christianity... but i just feel like one's faith is personal and something you keep to yourself. it's about your relationship with God, or whoever it is that you believe in.

i absolutely HATE it.. i ABHOR it when people play the Christian card...

i.e.- "you can't judge me. only God can judge me!"

ummmmm okay. save it for the man upstairs then. then normally after making that statement, they assume that because they're holier than thou, they're better than you. guess what? you're not. get over yourself. you're not the only person in the world that believes in God.

then there's those chain letters or whatnot.... "pass this on if you love God." so what..... if i don't then... that means i don't love Him?
like i said...... i feel like faith is something personal. and shouldn't be something for you to preach to others... unless it's your job of course.... but other than that.... i wouldn't want to shout to everyone "hey, i love God, so you should too...." it's up to you.

Faith is a very strong thing. It can make or break you. You either have it or you don't. If you don't that's fine. If you do, that's fine too.

... becoz only God can judge you right?

i've been feeling quite reminiscant lately. a lot of 'looking back' at the way my life used to be back at stony. and i finally realized that... i talked about myself .. QUITE a lot. and i did a pretty good amount of whining! geeze. wahwahwahhhh. why didn't anyone just smack me and tell me to shut up already?? HAHA. i sat here and started to read old xanga entries and i had to stop! i couldn't take it anymore. i kept talkin about the same shit over and over again... and whined a whole lot. lol seriously. i was a taaaad bit annoying.

friday im finally gonna get a chance to hang out with my girlies. havent seen them in a super long time, and im really excited. and reading old xanga entries totally reminded me of all the good times we used to have at stony. loves it. =) soooo many laughs and memories that i had actually forgotten about. but thankfully, since i kept a xanga i had blogged a whole lot about those memories... which is definitely a good thing. =)

but then i got to a realization............

i truly, honestly, think there is something wrong with me. coz i think i have some SEVERE trust issues.
there was a time in my life at stony that i was SURROUNDED by friends and many many loved ones. i had a LOT of close friends. but u kno wut? during that time... was also a time that i was surrounded by drama. and that sucks... coz.. then i think.... can't i just have ALL the amazing friends without the drama please? haha. i hate drama. drama bites the big one.

and another reason why i think there's something wrong with me....
while i used to be super close to all these people.... how come i'm not close to them now? why do i have such a hard time hanging onto my friends? i feel like the few friends i have now are all i have left.... and slowly im starting to feel like im drifting away.... and if i dont have them... then im truly, honestly... on my own.
i don't get it. i used to be sooo close to all these people, and we all just drifted apart.

i used to think that i was a good friend. im a good listener, and i will DEFINITELY be there for you whenever you need me............. but now im starting to rethink all that... and maybe im actually on the selfish side? iono.

boo to me. =T

oh yeah...

happy valentine's day

i do love my friends. even the ones that i lost touch with. i really mean that.
to anyone and everyone who has ever been a part of my life: my past and my present.... i really do love you. i mean that from the bottom of my heart. and if at any point you felt like i didnt care for you, or that i wasn't being a sincere friend, or did anything to make you not want me in your life .... i apologize from the bottom of my heart.