Boo, (Radley)!

(Thanks to lame cut by xanga, half of what I type is gone. So I'm not goint to elaborate in school happenings :( )

Today was total emotional roller coaster.
& now I want to sleep :/

Today morning was a disaster, and I went to school late first time in my life. Wahlao piss me off. Haha.
DSA sucks. Period (yeah it got "cut" away lah :( )

I'm too tired to type about school. Let's just say SS was a complete waste of my time. ;)
Messaging Clarissa in class is the lamest, but the funniest ever <3
I love Louisa, but please stop saying, "Are you pissed? Sorry .. oh no .." -.- I get pissed when you say that hahah. <3
I'm sorry Thalia, but you gotta know it's not you, or last night. I hardly talked to anyone today anyway :)

Edit:
Teo just asked if I'm fine :) Haha, thanks dear, thought you'll never notice oops ;) I'll cope, I'll try to catch up, & may I be alright again :D (get me outa that rubbish chute!)

♥
/edit

Well, the best part of today was studying with Tessa :) Though we didn't really study oops :/ Sorry Tessa! (I can't believe I made her wait so long then had to leave her behind  ) her friend, Cristine, is damn freaking fun and funny :) They made me laugh really damn alot and make me really happy. I was motivated to study, I was.

But when I saw my car as my parents came to pick me up, I knew my happiness wasn't going to last long. Sure enough, by the end of the car trip, I was ready to break down again. I can't believe I shot back at them, but they really didn't understand me and I was so fucked up and fed up. Seriously I wanted to just ask them to lead their fucking lives. I wanted to tell them to stop ruining my mood cause I was really happy and they just totally ruined it. I don't care about their fucking lives or anything, I don't want to care. I don't want to listen to what they have to say.
If you're reading this, well, I'd like to tell yall. If yall don't understand, then stop minding me. Cause it totally screws up. I hate yall.

Hahah whatever I'm much better now. :)
I'm waiting for Louisa to come on and send me lit and I'll go do it :D
(hope I don't fall asleep! haha )

Dictionary.com - Stress

7.	Physiology. a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism.

8.	physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension: Worry over his job and his wife's health put him under a great stress.

Haha, I don't think I'm stressed :)

Okay shut up what a long post. I'm damn freaking luosuo haha.
As I looked through my photos the other day, I saw my photos with my mother with my super nice hair. Why didn't I take photo with anyone else when I had nice hair :(


Though I look like shit, or not even myself at all (omg the shirt was gay ttm) but my hair was really nice! :) now, I'm bald :( I miss my nice hair :(

Okay Louisa sent me the file! :D

Love you, Boo Pork :) You're the best today :D (let's have a photo please :D)

Jumbo the Elephant
Fly home.
Where's home?

I'm the most insensitive in the world.

I'm not going to say anything. Cause I always end up saying the wrong thing. I hate it when I have exploding emotions, cause when I explode, I lose people.

I hate saying the wrong things.

So shut up, I'm not talking.

I like swings.

Today, I finally ran.
My knee was falling off, my shoulder was cracking (like cracking petroleum), my ankle was damn pain stomach also, but I just kept running. Thinking back, maybe I was mad.

Ended up running alone, and thought so much. Things now, things last time. How things have changed and how I've changed. How I've refused help, how I've chose to isolate myself, unconsciously. How I choose to be how I am now, how I've lost myself.

I caught up with Erik in my brain while running, & a whole lot of people. I thought of how we could run 16 rounds, laughing and everything. It'll never happen again, it'll never. How we've lost time, how we've chose to use our time for something else rather than spend time with each other. I'm sorry. How I've taken many of yall for granted, I can't believe next year :(

I'm so screwed for DSA and I can't write an essay about my academic interests and everything omg just, kill me :(

Hate life & hate myself. Please mug please work hard :(

I'm so glad for friends, I really am, even if I take for granted. Or I'd have given up, too long time ago.
I don't want to lose anyone (:

edit: I hope you'd stop being this way. I don't even know how to react. You say it's not my fault, but it obviously is. I'm very frustrated but I really want you to be alright. I care so much for you, but I feel so helpless and that I'm the one causing everything. It's pathetic. I get all affected by you, & I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't know what else to say/do. I want to give up and stop talking to everyone in the world. I want to stay in a box and isolate myself and not talk to anyone. Just kill me :(
/edit

How I'd wish, time could stop.
I think I'm tired.

Brave enough?

Today morning, I ranted to Jolene, and it felt good. It's the first time I talked about that issue to anyone. I felt relieved enough :) Thanks, Jolene, nothing can describe how much you mean to me. Cause no matter how weird you may be, you're irreplaceable to me.

(I don't care how weird/ugly I look, I ♥ you.)

I don't know what's wrong, maybe I'm stressed, maybe I'm burnt out. But I honestly don't know. I just keep feeling like I've disappointed everyone in the world, I keep feeling like I need to really work hard. But apparently I'm here blogging -.- I need to, I guess. I can't get motivated, & I'm totally don't-want-to-study.

Went to dentist, I'm so disgusting. I think my teeth were very dirty :(

Came home, and my brother proudly showed off his "class monitor" badge. I couldn't feel more bitter. I'd never be as good as him, I was never, and I can never be. I'm a total failure, and he's the success. I'm probably the worst daughter one can have, & when you've got a brother who's outshining you when he was just 4, I don't think you can be proud of yourself. To make matters worse were my parents' reactions. I could tell they were really proud of him being a monitor. But in the past, they never said anything about me when I was the monitress. Then came one day when they scolded me for being a monitress and didn't allow me to be. I look back and compared it with the reaction they have for my brother. I can't deny I'm greatly disturbed.

Today ain't the best day I can have, I reckon. I told myself I don't wanna talk, and I don't wanna burden anymore. But for all I know, my character sucks. I know I'd just go to school and rant about anything in the world.
I'm a complete failure.

My parents quarrelled again today. My mother is totally and completely unreasonable. They're quarrelling more and more openly. idk, idk.

I was, pretty brave today. Until, :)

Today, I almost cried too many times. Finally broke down at the end of school thanks to Zhiying lah, who asked her to cry. I didn't know what I was crying for, I didn't even think I was going to cry. I just walked away quickly, and before I know it, I just, broke down. I think I shocked everyone cause I wasn't expecting it either. I didn't know why I was crying, I really didn't. 2nd time was my brother's incident. I didn't know what came over me, but thankfully I walked away quickly. Thoughts of myself never good enough kept crashing onto me as I bathed. I'm exhausted.

It's like a dream world,
Where we want to be.
It's life fairy world,
Where I want to believe.

Broken, finally.

It pains me when I know people aren't really happy but pretend to be, cause of society or whatever. Or just of character expectation.
I want everyone else to be happy & alright. I don't care if people throw their troubles at me, cause I really want people to be happy omg.

Thalia, I'm here for you forever and ever <3 :)
Please be happy cause I love you so. I love you so, :)
Cause you're the best, and you're the love-liest. I'd do anything to have you happy :)

I should be doing work. But I'm fed up and I have 0 motivation. Zero.

Heart cramps/heartache again and again. Headache is constant. Sometimes I want to shoot myself >:(

Please, everyone be happy :)

I want to tell someone everything in my head all the time. I don't think I can take it anymore. In my heart, secretely I've been falling. I'm so demolarized, all the time.
I need someone to talk to. Just day in day out, listen to what I've got to say. Hold me when I'm cold and tired, tell me it's alright, but know it might not. Someone who can assure me, and catch me when I fall. I need someone who'll lead me when I'm scared, holding my hand. Will, I need you :(