Sober by Tool

...to see that spark of divinity even in the most unworthy of men.

Just recently somebody posed me the question, "What qualities are you looking for in a man?" I was stumped. I just realized that the answer to this is probably in corollary to what I said during our KASH training that, "I can't be a success if I don't know what I want, because you have to want something bad enough for you to actually get it." Ladies and gentlemen, I just solved the equation for myself: my ideal man hasn't arrived because I have no idea who he is. Well, I know that that's not entirely true. I have a vague idea of who he is. In fact, not long ago I made a dummy list of all the traits I wanted in a man, in hopes that by writing them down, I could actually concretize him and draw him to me by virtue of creative visualization (yeah I know, it's pathetic). Months later he still hasn't made the slightest apparition so I threw the list away, thinking that no such guy exists anyway. Maybe in a parallel universe, he does. I'm not asking for much. I know the most trivial things and pettiest flaws don't really matter as long as you love the person. But what is love anyway? I mean, love not in the romantic sense but in its purest form, what is it, really? I don't think many people know and not even the smartest ones can fully verbalize how it can be defined. In my attempt to describe my ideal mate, I wrote a simple ode below envisioning what my heart and soul yearns for (as cheesy as it sounds; but I'm a girl after all). It's all probably just plain gibberish, but then again, it's what can probably put an end to this perpetual restlessness I've been battling for so long:

If it's not too much to ask,

I ask for someone real.

He must not be too much of a woman

And certainly not less of a man.

He doesn't have to be a demi-god,

But everytime I look at him

I will see beauty beyond words.

He must know how to make me laugh

But also know when I want to be silent.

And that silence he must learn how to enjoy as well.

I do not require him to like the things I like and do the things I do

But he must at least treat them with reverence as I do for his.

I will not force him to keep his anger

But he must show some respect when he releases it.

He must learn how to be a friend

And an enemy when it's called for,

But an enemy who is a friend, nonetheless.

He must not compete with me for energy

But share it on mutual ground.

He must have a genuine interest in knowing me

Otherwise I'll know when he's faking it

And really just wants to talk about himself.

He must not stop knowing me,

And I must want to keep discovering him.

Each day he'll find a way to bring me closer to my Personal Legend

And not keep me from getting there.

He doesn't have to be a great writer

But must have a taste for words.

He must love my words as well

Because they happen to mirror my soul.

He doesn't have to be a poet or an artist

But must look at life with the same eyes.

He must be a child forever,

While growing old with a constant taste for adventure.

He must always seek novel things, new experiences,

Refusing to settle for all things trite.

Life with him must not be a cliché

But a story without an ending

He doesn't have to be rich

But must be grounded enough to support our needs.

I want him to have questions about life that I can give answers to.

I want to be his goddess, his nymph, his muse, his faerie elf.

I want to lift him up by my sheer presence

Without being put on a pedestal, for I'm human as well.

He doesn't have to be a prince or a knight in shining armor,

Because that would mean I'll forever be waiting for him,

And as those are just mere archetypes that exist in dreams.

I want him to comfort me by holding my hand when I'm feeling lost.

I don't need pretentious words of wisdom, for they would never serve me.

He simply has to be there and listen.

We must almost always click in the bedroom, but not just inside it.

Making love must be the sweet course of every sumptious meal

And not a chore we have to toil over.

I won't stop him from looking at other girls,

But must be fair enough not to stop me from doing the same.

However if we choose to bank on exclusivity,

We both have to follow the rules, no questions asked.

Otherwise he must be decent enough

To tell me he wants out when he's met someone else;

I'll do the same for him as well.

It seems I'm asking for too much,

Too much that he probably doesn't even exist.

I know with this I may well be looking at a whole lifetime of spinsterhood.

I know as well this list doesn't bear much weight

Just as long I know he is real and brings love in its purest form.

I may not know how to define that but I'll feel it without a doubt when he comes.

I hope he comes, and I hope he is real.

It's amazing what constant lack of sleep can do. You master the art of sleep-waking, seemingly floating, mind active and replete with a myriad of thoughts. Nothing makes sense (or so it seems) yet somehow you feel more liberated than ever. What can this freedom do? I'm at a loss for words (or am I ever?). Suddenly things become clearer, and you finally know what you want. But then you realize your body needs sleep after all. You go to sleep, wake up, and it's all gone. You're back to square one...floating, swimming, sinking. You're again faced with an array of illusions. I have to quit babbling about such illusions lest I be mistaken for a restless ghost. Well, I guess I feel like one already anyway. You think of other people's lives that seem almost perfect or at least running smoothly, just taking their natural course, and you compare those lives with yours, which certainly pales in comparison. Heck, I know I have a far better status than most of them. I just know I whine too much. But sometimes somehow it doesn't even matter anymore. I know what's true. What I can't stand is this constant screaming and struggling to make known to the world my purpose...to be purposeless, to be free of needing, wanting, hoping, because I'm already complete. But not all people know that. Sometimes I can't help but mercilessly drown myself in my age-old sorrows that I forget what is truly significant. I miss my old friends, kindred spirits I call them. But then, I keep meeting new ones, and suddenly I'm at the top of the world again, knowing I'm not alone. It's a huge deal for me to regain connection with what's part and parcel of my soul. Just like that, I feel bigger again. I keep reiterating to myself that my real purpose in life is to be a mirror of other people's greatness. No, it's not a poetic excuse for having no direction in life. I think it's a calling I have to stick to, in order for me to know Who I Really Am, and to bring people closer to the Truth, to their Essence, to the Big Mass which is I Am That I Am. I sometimes can't understand why I never tire babbling about all this, while some might not really care at all. But it's just that when I get to look at the night sky and see palm trees swaying in rhythm, I feel whole. I am reminded. I am back on track. I know I'm bigger than this, bigger than the small world almost everyone holds so dear. I'm not saying I'm nearing transcendence. I'm not even close. Buddha-hood is my Mt. Everest. But to just be able to grasp even a chunk of it can provide me with eternal bliss. I am not alone. I refuse to admit it even if I feel isolated or alienated most of the time. I am slightly depressive, and my thoughts on self-hate scare me sometimes. I think I need a shrink but heck, I'm not going to pay some self-knowing fuck big bucks for something I've been studying for almost a decade now (what have I been studying again?). But this is one of the rare moments that I feel giddy with hope, love, and finally...peace. I'm new at my job and I may suck at it, but it's the interaction with different people, diverse personalities that gives me a natural high. It's the gift of knowing so many souls in a short span of time that truly lifts me up. It's giving simple acts of kindness, smiling, paying it forward each day where I find meaning. It's good to know this, despite the lack of sleep. In a few minutes I'll be catering to my bodily needs. I'll be taking my much needed slumber, and hopefully when I wake up, I'll still feel the same.