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plasticdaisies
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Name: Lexie
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Metro: Rockford
Birthday: 2/16/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: exploring and photography. i like taking walks at night because its quiet. i enjoy crocheting and painting, but i never know what to paint. i like school, well sortof. secret crushes. old fashioned things and traditions. cultures and big cities and strings and paper picked up off the ground. [i found a reciept once for a coffee bought at an airport in alaska in 1997] i like blue skies and canadian films. i tend to act a lot younger than i am and can be greedy and selfish and 5 years old. chain smoking in diners and folding sugar packets into tiny paper cranes. feminism and stop violence against women organizations. wings made of bird feathers [im trying, ive got about 8 so far]
Expertise: nuclear fission and quantum mechanics. valence electrons and stoichiometry, dont forget nomenclature.
and art.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  StatisticallyGod
AIM:  Inonesock
AIM:  charcoalyellow
Member Since:
8/19/2005
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| just wanted to remind you all that i do, in fact, have a new xanga. and have had it for quite some time and am a little hurt that so many of you have not added that one.
chase_freedom
this lack of adding however is starting to turn into lack of interest for xanga, and unless for some reason i feel the need to continue with this, i will just stop. because im not seeing the point anymore. | | |
| oh, oh..ohoh.
big news.
im getting new stuff. im feeling pretty good. because i want to free right? i want to break loose and i want to be free? so im recreating a bunch of stuff. my new default name for basically everything is now...
chasefreedom
i got the idea from a photograph. you know who, credit credit. rock cut state park/cari/everything.
and it made perfect sense because i want to be free. free free free.
so im chasing it down.
only problem is that im not sure if i should change my xanga name as well? do you think? should should should i? it will be better, i promise. and i will still keep this one. just in case.
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|  ;survive
I'm starting to get real scared. you know, I just cant fake it anymore. and I'm suffering. I'm suffering so much and I cant stop it. when I look in the mirror, when I look at you, when I catch a glimpse in a store window. my mind processes it unlike my own. its not my heart anymore and its not my vision or my world. I'm losing myself way down deep. I have to fix this. I know how. I know how to fix it but its hard. its so fucking hard, you cant even imagine what kind of withdrawal I will have. what kind of shuddering I might do. because it will never leave me, it will always be there, lurking and smiling, flying on make-believe wings just in my blind spot, in the corners of peripheral vision, fluttering and blinking. I want to smash it like a bug.
so I'm giving up. I'm packing myself in. its raining you know and I've got the perfect yellow suitcase. if things would have worked differently I would have never had even a slight interest in that suitcase. what if I'm borderline? what if I'm walking a tightrope and instead of staying steady and keeping pace and breathing deep, the first pretty thing I see I want it. I want to be it, I want it to be me and I want to have complete possession over you. over it. and my mind will not let it go, will not let you go. it likes you and it wont stop possessing you. I have to get out of here. I'm going to lose my mind. you're stealing it, you don't even know that! but you are you are taking away everything that was me! but someone always does. that's how we work in this world, we steal little bits of each other. we emulate each other and ripple in their shadows. but this time its going too far. I need to escape.
I never liked floral print...or pearls, never liked jewels or skirts. I had a vendetta against scarves and dresses weren't my thing, I wasn't thin and I didn't talk with a nice voice. I kept my eyes open and wide and never crunched them with a smile. I never wore make-up...I didn't care about lace and didn't care about the view from my window. I never drank tea and could care less about flowers (that was the worst! I hated them!) I was not by definition considered a pretty girl. and then something rounded the hard edges, softened my shoulders and cleared my skin. in a way you sort of saved me from some god awful destruction. but you are killing me everyday. because as I do this, as I change I am completely aware of what I am doing. and thus being this way I can pick out others who do the same. I am completely happy with the person I am. I just want to forget you. so I want to say this: I hate you. that's simple. because I really do. I wish you would just fucking die. but that's not so nice, is it? there's still a part of me that wants you to live, keep going. but I would rather be weak and just hate you in a silent raging you could never pick up on, never imagine. who would hate you? not me!
but I've pictured your death, I've been to your funeral. I've picked through your things after you were gone. I've even killed you and ran for the border. I'm just afraid that you're not going away. and that's all I want. go away, please. leave us in peace, leave me in peace. I want to be hard again, I want to dye my hair black and sneer. but all of a sudden I just find beauty in the funniest places. in my boyfriend, in my friends, in the tiny communities of xanga and livejournal, on the street, in my yard, out a window. I never wanted this. so fuck you. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. leave me alone.
so I'm going to try and find someone else. something that's fucking better than you. because I would rather torture myself in someone else. I want to grow to hate you. so I'm looking. I'm people shopping. I'm replacing you. I don't want to look up to you anymore, I don't want your opinion. good-bye.
nobody really likes anyone. but people need to stop. I want to keep myself. I want to keep myself like a secret. maybe you feel the same. but you're not even a person. you're not even real. so why am i doing this?
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| i regret to inform you all. all of you who have ordered scarves. i havent received any payment. now im not trying to be...mean about it. but its been about a month guys. maybe it wasnt clear that your supposed to send payment first and then i send you the scarf but how else do you expect me to get it to you without your addresses eh? well, hah. yeah. so
im giving you all one week! *points finger*
those of you who i get payment by next saturday will get their scarf. those of you who dont. you have been...canceled. or whatever. and if i receive any money after saturday of next week. i may just keep it. *sticks out tongue*
if there are any special circumstances (you didnt get the post, you were on vacation blah blah blah) just email me and let me know.
this doesnt go for jennifer. who can bring me the money. (which btw i may need. i ran out of the yarn about 5 lines into your scarf. and i need to buy more. i would buy some with my own money but i dont have any.)
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