Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I'm falling in love with him and I don't know what to do. I'm moving in less than a month. Fuuuuuck.

I don't regret getting myself into this situation though. I look back at the decision of whether or not to start a relationship knowing that at the end of the summer we'll be 6hrs apart, and I'm glad I made the choice I did. Yeah it would be a lot easier to leave Ottawa if I had stayed away, but there is so much that I would've missed out on as well. My summer has been wonderful, largely because of him. Just about everything is perfect except for the timing and circumstances.. but really, we just go together so well. It's hard to explain but whenever I'm with him I just feel entirely at ease. It's amazing to not have to feel like you have to impress somebody constantly, and it's wonderful to be able to just chill and enjoy each other's company.

I'm going to be so heartbroken. I know that over time it will be okay, but I can't help shake the feeling that this could last for a really long time if I wasn't headed off for school. Something about us just feels so right. It's corny but true.

Dear person that used to be a big part of my life...

I'm glad you're not anymore; I'm glad it's past tense. I tried so hard and so many times to be there for you and to be a good friend. I know that neither of us are perfect, but the problem was that you expected me to be there for your every whim 100% of the time. The truth of the matter is that the world doesn't revolve around you hunny. I really wish that I had the ability to help you, or at least to help you help yourself, but through my many failed efforts I have realized it isn't worth it - you don't want to be helped. All you really want is attention from people and it doesn't matter who it is so long as you're getting your daily quota. Why do you think you are the way you are? Don't fucking say because of your family or how hard your life is. Yeah your parents are retards but there are so many bigger problems in the world; you need to pick your battles and take a look at the larger picture. See the world outside your self-centred bubble.

Now that I've made it clear that you aren't the axis of the universe's rotation.. let's talk about how you're dealing with this whole situation. It's fucking immature. You know that people will tell me what you say about me, but the problem is that I really could care less and that's not the reaction you want. Saying that you are wishing for me to catch a disease, get physically injured, or ripped to shreds emotionally is probably one of the saddest things I have ever heard. I didn't do anything to you. You are a fucking annoying and pain-in-the-ass drunk. I can only handle so much of you when you're like that, and plus I had other people to entertain that night. I think you can fly solo for one fucking party. I am sorry that I kissed him though.. for that I do apologize. But you have apparently said that this isn't about him (which it clearly is but w/e, lets go by your rules) so I guess that isn't any good to you. But the fact that you are hoping I suffer is ridiculous and it just goes to prove that I never ever meant one shit to you. Even though I hate the way you are dealing with your life, I still would never want to see you in pain. The truth of this situation though is that I am doing much better without you involved. So you can continue to hate and spite me.. you can talk all the shit you want. None of it matters to me anymore because I don't want to waste my time with you ever again. It's harsh and I do feel bad to say it, but I need to do what's best for me here and that means letting you get over yourself. Hopefully it doesn't take too long, and hopefully you'll treat your future friends better than you did me.

"To take flight all you need is a final destination and strong wings to carry you there."

The only problem is that I have no idea where I'm headed. I'm not going to lie, I'm very sick of not having the answers to all the questions inside my head. Feelings go back and forth so quickly that I can't be certain of anything anymore, and so all I feel like doing is running away. Cowardly, I know. It's just that I don't have the will to do anything. I just want to waste my time away waiting for something to come make it all better, even though I know full on that's never going to happen. I know that I could just suck it all up and pretend that everything is and will be fine.. I know eventually I'd start believing it.. but something is stopping me from doing that. Maybe this was a mistake; maybe it was too soon. I have a bit more pride in my actions now but I still have a hard time with trust. I guess this is a test, and by the looks of things now I'm failing it.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be happy about it but I am. I feel rather guilty being manipulative about it but I've done a lot worse than that. The truth of the matter is that I don't want to let go. Like I actually cried last night and I can't remember the last time I did. Something just really hurt; it was like being told to have a taste of the most delicious thing but not enjoy it. The idea of seeing him but not being allowed to have feelings just wouldn't have worked out for me. I can't fight this stuff back.. and yeah it's fucking scary. The fact that I already cried over this guy just shows that it's nothing like the other guys I've been with in the last 8 months. He has the ability to hurt me, and now that I've given it away I just need to trust that he won't. It's so hard. And I don't even want to think about the goodbyes that need to happen during the last week of August. I'll deal with that when the time comes... we both will.

But for now I'm in a much better mood. I'm proud of myself for opening up to somebody and taking this chance. It obviously is going to be tricky, but each experience in life has significance so whether it works out or not I know I'll be a stronger person. There's a lot more complications than I'd like but I could honestly care less; whatever stands in my way will be dealt with because this is something I want. It's something I feel like I need. I've been waiting for something like this for a while now, and wasn't really 100% sure if I was ready, but now is the moment of truth. I need to put my doubts and fears behind me and find the qualities I had a year and a half ago. No more easy paths for me - no more shortcuts. This time I'm actually going to throw my heart into the pit and hope it doesn't get stepped on.

Oh boy.. well it figures - I've done it again. I single-handedly in one night managed to ruin it all. I don't even know why I did what I did. I just look back on the night at my actions, which at the time I didn't think were wrong, and I want to slap myself. It's like I wasn't in control of my brain; that somebody else took over and started making all these bad decisions for me. It'll be a miracle if things ever work after this, but even if they do it won't erase that night.

I want to talk to him about it so bad. I want to do whatever it takes, explain everything.. I just want to make it better. I'm so sick of ruining all the things in my life that I care about - somethings gotta change.