Oh one more thing!
I met one of my goals.
I was second chair in concert band, but I challenged and won, so now I'm first.
Thought it was worth sharing.

Tried to recover (again), inadvertently started starving (again).
I realize that I'm playing with my life, but in the words of Edith Piaf,
"You've got to play with something."
Oh well, at least there's a possibility of being thin now?
But the only thing I can't stand is lying, constantly.

I miss him so much, even though I should be over him by now.
I reacted poorly to a stinging remark from my sister tonight.
"You should have a boyfriend."
I know I should have a boyfriend.
I just don't know how.
I'm awkward and stubborn and mean and fat.
I'm just not worth anybody's time.
But anyway, I got really sad about that.

But um. I guess I'm back on Xanga.
Hi everybody.

Disgraceful.

Alright, yesterday and today were both awful, but I will make tomorrow better.
I went with my mother grocery shopping, and ended up buying lots of fat-free foods.
Hopefully that will help a bit.
If there are no fatty foods in the house, I can't eat them.
I'm just worried about developing an irresponsible mentality, ie) "I can eat as much as I want, because it is all fat free."

I'm on a multivitamin, starting tomorrow.
I'm actually really scared, because the last few times I've tried taking vitamins, my body has been unable to handle it.
We'll see what happens.

I have renewed motivation to be thin thanks to Sahil.
He won't even speak to me anymore, let alone acknowledge me as competent.
I thought maybe I could be over him soon, until I saw him on Saturday, and everything just fell apart.
It didn't help that I had to go straight to homecoming to play at halftime after.
I was absolutely miserable and treated everybody awful, which made me even more miserable.
Then I went out to dinner with friends to make myself feel better, and subsequently felt more miserable.
Great weekend!

But I think that I have a crush on this other boy.
He has a girlfriend, though, so that's all blown to bits before it even begins.
But he doesn't seem to attached to her.
He flirts with every girl he encounters, including me.
And I don't mind, but it kind of sparks a sort of false hope.

Anyway, I can't sleep, and I certainly can't look at myself in the mirror.
I can feel this one tiny little fold in my belly and it's bothering me to no end.
It needs to go away, as soon as it possibly can.

I need to remember not to whine about how large I've gotten in front of my family.
My sister was so scared that she almost cried.
Apparently her friends all tell her, "Your sister is anorexic," like it's some kind of joke.
Apparently, my life isn't the only one I'm wrecking...

But for some reason I can't wait to get back into the swing of things.
I just want to lose weight right now, more than anything.
I weight about 110 I think, though I haven't had access to a scale.
I want to lose 20 pounds, I decided in the shower this morning, while I was prodding my fat hips.

I know that I've been eating "healthy."
I know that it's how I'm supposed to be.
But I need to be thin. I can't be average anymore.

I'm HUGE, Rochester, HUUUUUUGE.
(If you aren't from around here you didn't understand that.)
But anyway, I'm gigantic.
I've been trying to eat "healthy" to make my mom happier.
She is always stressed out and I think that I am a part of it.
But now I constantly find myself bargaining about food.

Mom: I'm making you veggie corn dogs. How many do you want?
Me: Well I'm not really hungry...
Mom: Well you have to eat, blah blah blah blah blah... (it went on for a while)
Me: Fine, but I only want two.
Mom: Six.
Me: Three.
Mom: Six.
Me: Four.
Mom: Five.
Me: Fine.

And this is how I got fat while I was gone.

Today there's a field trip instead of school, so maybe it would be a good opportunity to try to get back on track since there won't be much eating involved anyway?