Wednesday, November 12, 2008
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Why University is like Paris
Uni life is like Paris: you get there thinking that there will be philsophers on each corner, debating the finer points of Existentialism whilst sipping fine coffee and there are vending machines that sell books at tube stations; you expect a place full to the brim with culture and learning...be autiful sights and beautiful people. Instead, you turn up and there are herds American or Japanese tourists all over the shop, the French all speak English and they try to force Lipton tea down your throat at breakfast; the culture is materialistic, the taxi drivers suicidal, and the most interesting conversation you ever hold with the locals is with the tourguide who tells you where the nearest public restroom is. University is a bit like this - you turn up expecting great things and enlightenment, and the most useful thing that you get to learn is 7 mistakes you can make to kill your patient, and how low your drink tolerance is. Let's not even talk about conversations (my experience of them is that they are superficial and dull to say the least).
Monday, October 20, 2008
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I am a very stupid person.
Seriously.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
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I'm not much of a poet, but I found this in an exercise book and I quite liked it (which is more than I can say for most of the stuff I write).
Soft, silky sand draws gently at
My being, my thoughts, my cares
Sink as water upon blotting paper.
Warm, loving sun-embrace
And all-encompassing silence;
I surrender,
Let me be absorbed.
No more,
No more than the distant must of camel
Or the whisper of desert grass.
I surrender,
Let the sand take me,
Let the chill wind scatter my name
Amongst the stars.
I reckon that my poem needs a title. Suggestions anyone?
Sunday, August 03, 2008
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Oh haha, God, very funny! When I asked to be challenged, I wasn't exactly thinking of leaving me to play housewife for a month!
Monday, July 14, 2008
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be careful what you pray for/are you ready for what you've demanded
Reading back over my diary last Friday evening (or perhaps it was more like early Saturday morning) I came across something that bothered me. My spiritual life, if plotted against a godliness/time graph would look like the motion/time graph of some oscillating particle or a transverse wave. This isn't great since surely our spiritual lives should ideal follow a more exponential growth over time. So the overall progression should look more like the graph of ex than anything else.
(I'm not going to paste a graph of ex here because that would verge upon plain nerdy, which is not the thing I'm trying to emphasise here. But those of you who have no idea what the graph looks like and would like to find out, please feel free to google it).
It hit my that my spiritual 'peaks' always occurred during tough times, the times when I was almost crying myself to sleep or considering giving up. Those were the moments when I relied on God most and when the Truth (BIG capitol T) hit me (again). The fact is, nothing matters. My priority is what God wants of me, and what God wants of me primarily is not to hand in that essay on time or to pass the IB or worry about whether my friend's boyfriend is cheating on her... they say your time is the most precious thing you can give someone. God wanted me to spend time with him. His only expectation is for me to love him and to act/live in response to love.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
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If I weep when you fall down, how much more weeping will there be in heaven? How am I to carry on when those around me are falling down, falling away, walking away. What am I to do?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
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feeling lost
I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment. It's almost stupid really.
When I'm not worrying about myself, I always find that I begin to worry about other people. Recently, I've found myself doing a lot of the latter thing. A LOT A LOT. The reason why I feel that my worrying is somewhat stupid is because most of the time I've no control over the things I worry about, especially when the object of my worries is other people! I can't change those around me, I can only slightly influence them, but most of the time, I struggle to barely do even that.
What then am I supposed to do when those people whom I lean on fall down? How am I suppose to minister to a brother/sister who are losing/lost their way?
I sit up at night replying over and over again that night when my friend questioned me at St Catherine's monastery. I cry every time when the thought that a brother or sister might one day become like her - bitter and angry at those who still hold onto to their faith in Christ. How do am I to face them on judgement day? I'm sorry I failed you..? I'm sorry I didn't catch you when you fell...?
I sit up at night praying for you. Yet prayer doesn't seem to be enough. Am I supposed to be DOING something more?God, surely you won't let then down even if I do?
I know I'm not perfect. I too struggle with spiritual growth and suffer from bad days. But then I look around me and see all those who also suffer and fall down next to me, but can't/don't find the faith to stand up again. What can I say to help? What can I DO to help? I've always been blessed to have God give me some solution or someone to tell me the right things. I don't feel that I can say the right things to you, yet that passage from Hebrews stills haunts me everytime I think of you. What can I say? What can I do to stop you from falling? I pray for you. I must trust that God has the strength to hold you up, since I am unable.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
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Where is the love? / Privileged
I was reminded recently of passage we looked at in a cell group discussion a few weeks back:
"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace." (This verse is taken from Hebrews chapter 6)
The thought suddenly struck me that there really is only ONE CHANCE. One BIG chance admitted and one chance filled with the enormous enveloping forgiveness that only God is capable of, but one chance all the same. The danger of falling away is real. I have come across those who have. People whom I have called friends - like the person who quizzed me that night in the desert - I will never see again after this life. If we turn back now, we are lost forever. Saying 'sorry' is not an option because we would be asking for the gift of life to be given again. It would be like receiving a really expensive surprise gift from the Queen, but then changing your mind and throwing it back in her face, before changing your mind again and asking for it back...you couldn't do it. It couldn't be done.
Paul warns us against falling away because the Christian walk is dangerous and fraught with spiritual battles, misdirection, bad guidance...the works, and if we fall, we can't go back. We can't go back.
This thought almost brought me to my knees with tears. I wept for all those I've known who have lost their faith, and for those who are going through tricky times in their faith and are in danger of falling.My friends, please don't ever fall.If I was crying, then how much more grieving will there be in heaven for each Christian that turns their back on God?
"Where is the love?" was the question ET asked in his blog recently and I want to ask it again. It has occurred to me that love is not just a nice element of Christian living, an outflow of our love for God..etc, but it is an immediate necessity. Without acknowledgement from others, without the love of others boosting our love and faith in God, we are in danger of falling. If we don't love each other, we, literally, risk losing each other to the enemy.
Reflecting on the above, has made me realise how privileged I really am as a Christian. My mentor had told me so only this week, but I had sort of nodded genially at the time without thinking too deeply into the comment. I am privileged. (oh dear, I sound like a car insurance commercial
). I saw this during GAG today with all me wonderful Christian sisters (hi girlies!
). I mean, where else could you have such deep spiritual conversations, share all the ups and downs of being a warrior princess for Christ, support each other AND giggle about (insert girly topic here) all in one breath? Indeed, I am privileged, blessed even, to know you peeps. (Which is why, I suppose, I was so traumatised by Paul's words.)
I think what I mean to say is:
Dear friends, please don't ever fall.
God loves you
!!
...and I love you too
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
specky4eyes
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- Name: Elim
- Country: United Kingdom
- Metro: London
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 1/9/2006
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About Me
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Crazy, violent, short and Chinese...ummm I could tell you more but I suppose that's enough to scare you right now; )
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Pulse
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can't help wanting to cry all the time
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thus begins another week
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revising. well actually, procrastinating. but will get back to revision presently.
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