Always, Smile.

I call the last chapter of my life 活该, Serves Me Right.
I want the next to be called 爱, Love.

It has come time. The person I was is no longer the person I am now.

So, this is the last entry.

For the first time in my life, I wish I was where my grandfather is now.

To those I have hurt, I want to say, with all of my heart that I have left, not only Sorry, but to those, I give you the rest of my heart. It is no longer mine. Please take care of it because it's so fragile, but it's been good to me. Maybe in a while, can I ask for it back?

To those I have loved, thank you.

To those who have loved me, you have given me the best and only thing of value in this world and for that I will never have words to show my gratitude.

Thank you and, if there is just one thing that I can hope, if there is only one, I hope you can smile.

So, smile.

Let's Go For A Ride.

 
For now, a shift.

I really don't have much to say about this entire school year. It's not unlike other times when you wait and wait for something, and then it finally arrives. You've spent so much energy waiting that it's now just exhausting. I wish there were a few good things I could mention so that it doesn’t seem like it was a waste of so many, many months. Regardless of what I may say, there are some good, non-stupid, people here. I'll say that.

There is a bit of a change coming up that I initiated and want.

This summer I'm going to a place that somehow succeeds in turning my sense of being in all different directions, and spits me out trying to figure out which way is up. Hopefully, this time, it'll be for the better. I know, in some strange way, that this time I might find I do things in different ways.

I leave in about 30 min, the driver is usually early.

By the way, that photo above was taken a few months ago, outside of my bedroom window. I've been waiting until now to post it.

A few thousand miles and a little more than a day of travel (plus a 19hr self-imposed layover). I hope I'll update more, and with something at least more interesting than this post.

Can you guess where I'm going? (If you already know...shh...) ^^

See you there.

Sigh (again).

The dark stage.

There's really very little reason for me to ever 回来丹佛。 如果我的爸爸不喜欢。。。他必须了解我真的不喜欢这个地方。

I went to a concert on Thursday, but after the opening acts and then three songs by the band I actually went to see, they said the lead singer had a problem with his voice. I was trying to catch up to my parents in the number of concerts I've been to. Talking with my sister, I realized that my parents have been to more concerts this year than her and I have ever been to haha. Sucks so bad to rent a car, drive all the way there, wait through mediocre openers, and then hear 3 songs and leave. So I'm really gonna try to find concerts to go to this summer to make up for that.

I should be excited and all to be able to leave for so long, and I am, but it's kind of empty, and I'm not sure why. It's not as though I'm leaving many friends behind here (ha!), and it's not as though I like this place any great deal ... I think it's the waiting that's getting to me.

Oh and I went to 노래방 the other night and realized that the only songs I know are the sappy kinds you'd probably hear at the end of the type of movie that makes your chest feel like children just cried on your heart.

我迫不及待想离开。

A Little More.

I suck so much at math that if math were a tootsie pop, I would get to the center in like, a second. It'd just be me, sitting in an empty classroom after everyone else has finished their exam, chewing on tootsie. What do you call that stuff if it's not in the shape of a roll? Can you say "tootsie"? It sounds like what someone is the 1930s would call a girl. Or a nickname Aussies or Brits would give to a train.

I'm so ready to leave this place. I have to remind myself each weekday morning that I need to go to class because if I don't, my summer and next year plans could be mixed up. So, basically, my motivation for school these days isn't a job, isn't money, isn't the great sense of security that comes from working in a cubicle surrounded by salarymen equally mired in their various states of boredom – it's the summer and next year. But what better motivation?

The other morning I got out of the shower and as I toweled off, I realized I didn't wash the shampoo out of my hair. I think (or hope) this has happened to at least some others. I don't know what I was thinking about, but I must have been thinking about the same thing this morning, because it happened again.

Just a little over a month left and I'm getting really antsy. I've got 1 of a few plane tickets ready, and 1 visa of 2.

Wait.

I can't wait for days to blur together in that way that only summers after a school year can. Those days that consist of nothing and everything that you always and never needed or wanted. Those days when you wake up, inexplicably, at 8 in the morning and wonder why you couldn’t do that while in school. Those days when you sit next to friends and ask "so, what should we do?" and not hear an answer for a good few minutes, after which time the answer is usually something no more profound than "I dunno." Lazy days and hazy nights. Running down streets, with lights passing overhead in a line like a long exposure photo. I can't wait because I've seen and heard what happens when those days are no longer as freely available.

So often I've heard people older than me say something along the lines of "I look in the mirror and am surprised by the grey haired person staring back at me." I suppose that's not a terrible thing, since it kind of implies that they feel younger than their age. But the majority of those people out of school do not get those summers back. Those summers are replaced by 1 week vacations, after which they're greeted with a stack of papers, piled to the ceiling, and a boss wondering where the TPS reports went. I wonder, have they done what they wanted to do? Are they doing what they want to do?

We take chances and test limits - usually for no other reason except that we can. When we are young, we can take those chances without the world falling in on us.

We take that for granted, until we're the ones standing in front of that mirror after one lazy lunch, trying to remember where we put our cane and wondering if it's too early to go to bed. Who knows.

What are your summer plans?