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| Each different paragraph is about something different.
I don't know what to do sometimes. I have no authority, all I can do is sit and watch. Not even my possession, just something that lives in my heart. How lame. What they don't know is it hurts me a little inside each time.
I think we've both accepted it. I saw him today and he was wearing this shirt I complimented him on last year. I'm pretty sure he said thanks. Then I thought about his skinny arms
and his hugs. They were so delicate, almost fragile, but not. If it were an object, it'd be light but almost unbreakable. Kind of like a diamond. And soft, something you can almost fall into.
There are so many little things that remind me of him, and when they occur or pass by, I want to tell him.
Like whenever I'm sitting outside while it's raining or thundering. It just cries out to me.
But I can't believe him. And I can't accept him.
I never though it'd be like this. Last time... it was so easy...
I can't show any sort of affection towards him. No goodbyes, no lively hellos, not anymore. And I don't know why. It doesn't seem like he even makes a difference in my life, but problem is, I know that's not true.
But he irks me. There's something about him that just drives me away, but I can't go far because the connection is like an appendage which is slowly tearing since neither of us seem to tend to it very much. Except him. He tries sometimes. But I get sick of it.
I'm going to keep writing with my left hand. It's hard. It makes me went to claw my throat. It's illegible. But it's a challenge and I worked so hard to do it. Why doesn't anyone see this? People ask me all the time why I still write with my left hand. Fuck. You. I'm not giving up something that took so much effort to build and so much energy spent on. It's something I've grown attached to. Just like anything important to me, it's now an animate object in my life and I can't shatter it.
Monday, August 25, 2008 Stuff to talk about: I'm having a good mood change finally, stopped being such an asshole for a while. I hope this keeps up. xXlp rocker 1100 (8:42:12 PM): So what I was doing was I had all/90% of my papers from last year stored under my bed
xXlp rocker 1100 (8:42:19 PM): And I took them out today because I needed some binders
xXlp rocker 1100 (8:42:26 PM): And then I put all the papers in this bag so I can recycle them
xXlp rocker 1100 (8:42:34 PM): But then I was like there might be some important stuff in there..
xXlp rocker 1100 (8:42:53 PM): It was a shit load of papers but I started looking through them
xXlp rocker 1100 (8:42:55 PM): I found some stuff
xXlp rocker 1100 (8:43:03 PM): I found this poem I wrote last year, I can't remember why or what I am a disappointment, solely to myself
Only because I spend most of my time with me
While with others, I do nothing
That happens to be my biggest accomplishment in life Sitting on the couch.
I am a pain inflicter
Only unto myself
None of that even being true
Just repeated endlessly through a day
As if the only thing I feed off of is frustration. I am an exaggerator
Living like a czar
Turning mole hills into mountains
Wearing the darkest of lokes
And not percieving what is in my hands. "Mind-numbingly pointless"
Only should be labeled onto the hypnotizers
Turn the other way
And keep digging until your nails peel off. Odd. I'm going to try to walk on with a good head on my shoulders. I've been saying this for a while, but if this mood change isn't temporary, I might just be able to hold up. That is, if track doesn't wear me down. | | |
| What happened to this? It used to be my fuckin life ya know? Damn that my dismonkeysez xanga had to be deleted. This doesn't even go back to when it mattered. Well yeah it does, but still.
This summer has been... placid. Dull. I came in with a positive attitude about not doing anything. Then it broke, and now there's a week until school starts. Here we go again..
I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm so nervous for this school year. JUNIOR YEAR can you believe it?
Whatever...
I miss my cousins.
Jenny's sweet 16 was krunk.
I wish Christina the best of luck on her last year in high school. I have to throw her a graduation party if no one else does. She isn't really my friend anymore, but doesn't mean I don't care about her and respect her.
NIN concert in one and a half days. I was so excited about this. I still am.
No one even reads this..
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Next day So let's think about this. I don't even know what I'm doing this for. Everytime I get myself into this, I go in knowing my whole plan and then everything starts to change and my motives are different which is not a good thing because they usually end up defying my values. I've done this before, and last year when I did, my life was so much better. A little more stress free, a little bit happier, it's like my mind could breathe again. A few weeks ago when he came over, I realized no, this isn't what it was, what it's supposed to be or what I need. Parasitic. I was done. It was very easy pulling the cord. As time passed by... I started to lose my train of thought, and just started doing things because I told myself that's how it should be. I don't know where I am now. Keeping him would result in the headache, losing him would bring up a heartache. But the heartache is very dull, and I can live with it. But my imagination still runs wild... maybe something good will happen. Maybe he'll crack and it'll be like a dream. Maybe I'll get something better out of this than what I intended. Chances are slim. I know I can do this for as long as I want. He has no reason to be here anymore. If he really needed it, he would do something. I saw him today. He whispered my name. I ignored it. I'm not gonna expunge his existence from my memory. That's ridiculous. One thing against my values. Then he said my name, I looked over, he smiled, I did nothing and that's when I knew he knew something happened. I walked away. Seems like nothing but the smallest actions hang on to me for days. Disrespectful, pessimistic, parasitic, selfish, hypocritic, and just an all around asshole. I wonder if I have any classes with him this year...
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| Hmm.. I haven't even updated for the end of 10th grade thing. Let's see..
I had a really good last week of school. The rest of the year was pretty shitty though. Track season was probably my most depressing time. I didn't make many new friends this year, but that's a good thing. I just hung on to the ones I have. And lost some, but it happens. Sucks that all the seniors are leaving, but I still talk to most of them. I have all the pictures on my facebook of the last week of school. There isn't very much left to say right now.. I'M GONNA BE A JUNIOR | | |
| Almost two months since my last post. I've been thinking and I've been bigger than an asshole to alot of people lately. I've been snapping at people who I've never been mean to before or they've done nothing wrong. And yet, I'm the one who talked to Bryan and helped him stop being an asshole. Maybe I should take my own advice. I've finally realized that I need to start being a better person again, or atleast start being Ambereen again without throwing away all the major changes I've made on myself. Maybe it'll work, and maybe I won't be so gloomy anymore. This month so far:
April 2: District track meet: field events and 3200 meter - Cy Falls.
April 3: District track meet: sprinters - Cy Falls. I did terribly.
April 5: Marlena's 16th birthday and Natasha's mom's birthday.
April 7: Start of last six weeks.
April 8: Raheb(cousin)'s birthday.
April 9: Dadu(dad's mom)'s one year death anniversary(RIP).
April 12: Nanu(mom's mom)'s birthday.
April 13: Drivetime, driving test 12-2 pm.
April 14: Track pictures.
April 15: Drew's birthday. I still love my baby. HAPPY BIRTHDAY :D
April 18: Watched the unrated version of Good Luck Chuck at Natasha's. Omg so many boobs oO
Arpil 19: Katherine, Marlena and I went to the mall. Then my parents picked me up to go to a birthday party that was an hour and 45 minutes away. Met some really nice 25 year old(she's a girl, idiots -_-).
April 20:
I guess sometimes I really don't want to know things. And I know that I don't and I'm glad that yesterday while I was talking to her, she decided not tell me in depth things about you. The only thing that hurt was to know that some stranger knows more about you than I do. But then again, that's how it should be. I can't say I don't care about you, cuz God knows all that pain you put me through counts for something. It did help me grow. And if I didn't care about you, then I wouldn't worry so much. I guess it isn't really care that exists here, it's the fact that you seem to matter, even just a little bit. I don't want anything to do with you. I wanted to get you on my chain so I could hurt and manipulate you like I did to alot of other people. But anyway, while I was talking to her yesterday, she said that that plane that I was in which got struck by lightning, that whole story, seemed to effect you. I never knew this since you always laugh about it. But I must have figured because you do bring it up. Did you feel helpless? I have to say, if I died in that plane that day, then and there, that would have been ok. I wouldn't have known anyway, considering I was asleep. And you knew that, didn't you? And yet you still bring it up. Sometimes, I wish that I might mean the smallest amount to you. Just knowing that a thought of me might pop into your head every once in a while might make me feel better. But I'll never know. All I have are secondary sources saying that you do care about me. How can I trust them? I mean I guess I should since they're always honest with me, have known me for a very long time and are all over 20. They know you pretty well too. But I can't believe them 100% only because of my own encounters. And when I shed my tears, they aren't over you, they're over the thoughts I have about you. It's only a few tears though, since I don't really cry anymore, especially in public. Like last night on the drive home, I had to shed a few tears in the back seat because I know they wouldn't turn around. I was just hoping they wouldn't turn around. And for some reason, sometimes when I think about you, that memory of when you came into my room and started crying just pops into my head. Your most vulnerable moment. The only moment in time where I was stronger than you were. You'll never grow up, will you? I've been waiting for years. You just started to recently, but the ice is so thin that it could just crack any second and things could be just how they used to be. That's what scares me the most. It's frightening; one of the reasons I don't interact with you. It could all be my fault. I don't think I want to know you. I don't think I can be mean to you. But I do want to hurt you. Just once to make a difference since that might be the only way I can get to you.
April 21: Holocaust survivor visits Ridge. Can't miss it. -- Yeah it was nice. Met him and all.  April 25: FINALLY FINISHED MY DRIVING HOURS! NO MORE DRIVER'S ED !@#232@#!!423$^$%78">!@#232@#!!423$^$%78 HUZAHH.
April 27: New phone. Huzzah.
April 29: Easiest test ever: 10th grade math TAKS.
And now... the month of April is over. | | |
| Happy Valentine's Day One of the best things about today were watching these guys at ballroom. They're so funny ^^ Also finding out that Sheena's going to be my future wife, we're moving to Antarctica and getting a blue BMW and we're going to have Alan as a pet. This is according to Ida and MASH. Happy birthday to dad, Sharfaraz, brother, Saad, and Ameena Hossain. I hope the two guys enjoyed their delicious dinner and cake, and Ameena looked absolutely radiant, even more than usual, today. | | |
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