exhausted

I don't know how I feel any more. I have gone up and down the entire weekend. I spent an entire day with him. And now...I feel out of it. When I look at him, I don't know if I want him or if I want to walk away. I have words on the tip of my tongue and I don't know what they are. And even if I knew them, I wouldn't know if I should say them. I'm at a loss for words. I'm beyond confused. I've lost all perspective. I don't know what I want. I don't know what he wants. I don't know if I care if I know what he wants.

I wish I could say that I wasn't crying over him. I wish I could say that I wasn't crying and feeling sorry for myself. But here I am, admitting my weaknesses yet again. I don't know if it's him that's driving me into this spiral or if it's one of my normal episodes. But I feel trapped and chained to my room. I stare outside and see nothing for me. I lay down and lose myself in the tv to keep myself from thinking about everything. I lose my willingness to speak to anyone, even my best friend. And when he calls I pick up obligingly because...god I don't know why.

I was on the phone with him and the sadness overwhelmed me. I was silent, pensive and attempted a few jokes. He was chatty and didn't notice. He rambled about his weekend and I didn't blame him. He was full of energy and the more he talked, the more I realized how empty my life was. By the end of the conversation I was barely audible. And he was ending his energy streak. I had trouble faking it. As I spoke, I wondered if the next syllable I uttered would the one that would drive me to tears. I held it back and held it back. I ate the sadness slowly and my heart now suffers. Every time I hold back, my heart, my weak, weak heart, suffers for it. The palpitations increase and the ache that makes it difficult to breathe worsens and turns into a real, physical difficulty with breathing. Funny how that happens, right?

All this alone time makes me realize how alone I am. I touch the glass window and wonder why I do it. I'm finding fewer and fewer reasons to hold on. Or rather, I'm finding it harder to remember the reasons. My mind is fuzzy and my heart is exhausted. Moving requires extra strength...strength I don't know if I have.

I may be seeing him tonight but most likely not. I'm not keeping my hopes up. I don't know if I will be able to be myself around him. I let myself go the past week but something about this weekend made me crawl back into myself. I am guarded again. I am closed. It hurts to be back here. But, here I am.

self-actualization?

I guess I realized that until I know there is some sort of commitment, in which we have obligations to each other, i will never be able to be myself, my whole self, around him.

Is that the same with everyone else?

I mean, I have been hurt so much in my life...that I have learned to protect myself at all costs. So much so that apparently I have become closed off and detached to people who could hurt me the most=men I am most attracted to. Perhaps it is his flaw, although I doubt it seeing how perceptive he is in other ways...I do admit to being closed off and stand-offish. I use this sarcasm and wit to prevent my actual feelings from being exposed.

So, here I am with unknown baggage that was revealed to me. How do I be myself while protecting myself? How do I be as caring, emotional, passionate and loving as I normally am...without risking it all being taken advantage of like in the past? I don't know if I can. Which is why I suppose I need this commitment/validation...I cannot fully open up without it...and if I am not open, I will continue to be this detached, cold person. And I hate being that person.

I'm so confused on what's going on right now. There was so much mis-communication and assumptions made on both parties...both thinking each other wasn't really into each other when it was the opposite.

I'm giving him time to think...but I'm afraid I'll be waiting around for too long. I don't want to do what my best friend has done and given 8 months to a man who still doesn't want to commit...

But there is something that's telling me that if he does decide to commit we'd be great together...and I just threw this on him just a few days ago. I'll give him a few days more...maybe a week to think about it. I want to see him again just to show him what he'd miss...but then of course I remember what it is that I'm walking away from & more importantly what I can't have...it's a give and take. That's the risk...

And if he decides he can't do it...then I will walk away.

I just can't give up now. I still have hope. I wonder if all women say this before they end up wasting months or years of their life on the impossible. I suppose we are our own worst enemy.

Devestated.

I attempted to tell him twice earlier in the day. Each time I opened my mouth and couldn't force the words out. The moment before the words actually escaped from my lips I had opened my mouth and for a few moments they stayed open, gaping like a fish begging for water. I closed my mouth, took a deep breath and opened it again.

"I don't think I can see you any more."

His head spun towards me. "What?"

I repeated, "I don't think I can see you any more."

"Why?" he asked softly.

I paused a moment and tried to remember everything Lillian spoke about. I tried to think of everything I had written down last night. I couldn't look at him too long. I promised myself I wouldn't allow myself to cry in front of him.

"Every time I am with you, all I want is to be with you..." I finally replied. I didn't need to finish the sentence. After last weekend's conversation, he knew what I meant.

He had been dressed and ready to go but he lay down with me after I told him. He lay across me and I put my head back so he couldn't see the tears. I steadied my breathing as much as possible but it grew jagged and difficult. After a few minutes he sat up to look at me and I refused to look at him. He saw the tears and looked surprised. The rest of the conversation is a blur.

In three hours I managed to cry off and on. I sobbed for a moment and controlled my breathing so I wouldn't lose myself. He told me not to hold back because of him. He held me and stroked my hair. We would kiss but as we kissed I remembered I wouldn't kiss these lips again after today and I would start crying all over again. Once I calmed down, I would talk to him in bits and pieces.

"I just feel like if it was meant to be, we would be in the right place at the right time," I said, trying to explain. "I feel as if I am not enough for you to want to be in a relationship. I feel like everyone goes through moments where you are in the middle of something but then someone comes by and you just know that they are someone special. It's not like you go through something, get over it and then say, Okay I'm ready for a relationship and then it just happens. Or at least that's how I see it." He attempted to form words into an argument but he never got past, "No, it's not that..."

I told him that I wouldn't be on gchat for awhile. He paused and burrowed his head in my arms. "I don't think this is sinking in..." and he voice trailed off. "Just imagining not talking to you on gchat..."

"You were just such a surprise. I didn't think that it would turn out like this," he said, again expressing the same disbelief we had been talking about for weeks. "I know," I replied. "You weren't supposed to be so...if only you had a major flaw. This would be so much easier." We would joke in between the tears. We both used humor as a defense mechanism, but we would both sense it and once the half-forced laughter wore off, we would be back where we started.

"I'm going to miss you..." I said, my voice cracking. "I'm going to miss...I don't think you realize how much..." he responded and trailed off. He sighed and repeated, "I don't think it's sinking in." The more he spoke about how he cared about me, the harder it became to walk away. But I knew it had to happen and deep inside, I was glad to know that he felt the same as I did.

"This is so hard. This is so fucking hard. This is ten times harder than I imagined. And I knew it would hurt," I cursed more and buried my head into his shirt. I pulled away and triedto dry it off. He gently pushed my hands away. "You don't need to do that," he said and pulled my head closer to him.

After a few hours, I knew he was holding on to me because I was crying. "You don't have to stay for me. I'll be okay. I honestly believe that "what is meant to be will be"...When the right person for you comes by you are going to realize it. It's just that I'm not that person. And I want someone who will see me and realize that I'm that person. And you deserve the same." He looked at me and sighed. "No," he said and couldn't seem to form any other words than sighs of confusion. He pulled me closer and I cried more.

"I don't cry like this in front of other people," I said. "I just don't. I wait..." He nodded and stroked my hair. "Okay," he said and pulled me closer. I sobbed in his arms for a moment and regained composure. "I don't like being out of control," I said, in disbelief that I couldn't control my sobbing around him."You have to let it out," he said. "Just...don't hold back."

"This is ridiculous," I said over and over again throughout the conversation. "I'm so stupid." "Why are you stupid?" he asked? "Because I've only known you for a month. It's not supposed to be like this..." I shook my head and hid my face with my hand. Once the tears stopped streaming, he traced the outline of my face with his hand and kissed me gently.

"I still want to be friends," I managed to say before breaking down into tears again. "Absolutely," he said slowly, as if he couldn't imagine a life without me in it.

"You're an amazing person," I said, not knowing if I ever had told him how much he had become a part of my life and how much I actually cared.  "Aww. You are amazing." I shook my head. "No, really, you are amazing."

"Now who am I going to fall asleep on the phone with?" he asked, joking. I laughed and looked at him. He looked sad and didn't seem to be speaking as much to me as at me.

After every time I spoke or we were able to have a part of a conversation, he held me closer. I haven't looked at a man like that since Shawn. And I haven't had a man look at me in the way he did since Shawn. In the beginning it was so hard to look him in the eyes. But towards the end, I was staring into them and wanting him even more. The longer he was there, the harder it was for me to pull away and tell him to leave.

"Please don't cry," he said as he tried to leave. I would look into his eyes, smile and tear up. "I won't," I said as the tears rolled down my face. He kissed the tears away and sighed and buried his head back into my embrace. I stroked his hair and the outline of his face. I touched his lips and he kissed my hand. We kissed again and again throughout the conversation and it took all the energy I had not to burst into tears. "I will be okay," I repeated outloud. "I say that for myself," I explained as he stared at me.

He had to leave and I knew he was staying because I was crying. I kept on repeating for him to go and that I'd be okay. "Goodbye," I said, bursting into tears. He forced me to look into his eyes. "Don't say that," he said softly. "Please don't say that." I nodded in agreement. "Is it okay if I call and text you later?" I nodded, tears still streaming down my face. "Please, go. I know your father needs you and your session at the studio..." He stared at me and shook his head. I nodded. "It's okay. I know you need to go." He finally complied. His last words were, "I'll figure it out. I'll work it out. Okay?" I'm not exactly sure what he meant but I wish he hadn't said it. It gives me the tinest bit of hope that he will realize what he is leaving behind and will come back to me. I can't have hope because then I won't be able to move on so I'm trying to block it out of my mind.

I get physically ill when I think of my life without him. I can get over him, I know that much. I've been through worse. And I will find someone new. But I'm leaving behind someone amazing. I don't want to live a life without him in it. But if that's what needs to happen, then so be it. It still feels surreal. I stare at the words and they don't seem familiar. As if I am already trying to block out the pain from today by forgetting it. Tomorrow will be the toughest. I will be staring at my google homepage dying to log into gmail chat. If I can get through the week without it...I know I will survive. If only he hadn't told me that he didn't think he was going away. If I'm alone on July 4th and I know he is here too...it will be one of the hardest tests of my will. I still can't believe we won't be spending the summer together. I wish...I wish I could be okay with being casual...I wish...I wish he was in a place where he could let me into his life...